Letting go

[Chessgirl]

Hey honeybera,

Oh how awful your DD’s father left you while pregnant! That does sound like the work of a narcissist. I’ve had many boyfriends too many to count as well. I totally understand “in love with being in love”. Luckily I eventually found a man who does know how to love me and take care of me, push me to be my best self... I pushed him away countless times but he was persistent and I finally allowed myself to be happy and to stay with him. I’ve had a real habit of pushing the good people out of my life. It’s been a problem. I’m sorry you have an estranged relationship with your daughter. I have that with my mother but she’s an abusive narcissist, and you seem like such an empathetic loving person. I don’t understand that.

Yes that recipe of the chicken and rice sounds delicious, easy and cheap haha. I don’t blame you for raising your kids on that. That’s funny you say you had your dream job as a bus driver. I’ve actually always thought Id like to be a truck driver or bus driver, especially if I was a single mom. I understand how someone would enjoy that. I love to drive ! Helps me take my mind off everything. I can only imagine how jealous your mother was of your success. My mom could not stand for me to have anything nice or of my own, anything I could brag about. She would try to mimimize anything good I had and sabotage me even at times. It was a special kind of hell having her a mom. I’m sorry your mother was so similar. If only she could have just been proud and happy for you.

Your house sounds like such an accomplishment. I’m happy about your pups too, but hope they don’t exhaust you too much. I may have asked before but are you keeping all of them? That’s quite a load you have! Hope you slept well!

[honeybera]

G'day, Chessgirl! I hope your Morning Sickness is leaving you alone today. Hang in there, Kiddo!

Oh how awful your DD’s father left you while pregnant! That does sound like the work of a narcissist.

Yep. He had his own crosses to bear. He was a Jack Mormon (not too faithful to the Temple) and was addicted to drugs. I really know how to pick 'em! And his mother kept sending squads of Mormon missionaries to my front door to convince me to send him back to them! A real winner, that one!

I’ve had many boyfriends too many to count as well. I totally understand “in love with being in love”.

I think what I was lacking was having real UNCONDITIONAL love and acceptance. MD hadn't had any for her first 5 years of life (before my grandparents adopted her), so she didn't understand it nor thereby did she have any to give. What I craved from the BFs was innocence and devotion because I didn't understand it either. I nearly almost dated younger men. I was always disappointed. I was always judged, and judged harshly. So I was isolating even from before the pandemic hit. Self preservation? <shrug>

Luckily I eventually found a man who does know how to love me and take care of me, push me to be my best self... I pushed him away countless times but he was persistent and I finally allowed myself to be happy and to stay with him.

You have been so blessed!! No matter what his small irritating habits may be (because we all have them), he sounds like a catch! He apparently loves you enough to be persistent. You are special to him...as he watches you barf on a daily basis and as he makes meals you can keep down and keeps an eye on your daughter so you can rest. Bless him. He even loves you when you are at your weakest and least alluring, hanging, nay clutching, on to the toilet bowl. Now there's a real man!!! I must admit, I envy you both. ♥♥♥

That’s funny you say you had your dream job as a bus driver. I’ve actually always thought Id like to be a truck driver or bus driver, especially if I was a single mom. I understand how someone would enjoy that. I love to drive ! Helps me take my mind off everything.

It's not as romantic as it sounds. I began my journey by going to Truck Driver's Training School and getting my Class 1 (in those days - for big rigs/tractor trailers) Commercial Driver's License. That's where I met DS's father. Mostly the entire school all stayed at some dilapidated hotel connected with the school way out in the desert. DS's father was not only a student and stayed there, but he was also the drug dealer for the entire group of students that wanted them. So of all the people there, I chose him...and he chose me. Lordy!!

So I learned to drive big rigs. I was so nervous and was shaking so hard during my first drive test that my foot slipped off the clutch and the big rig I was driving lurched forward and STOPPED. End of test. But I passed the second time. And then months later I was pregnant, so I took a job at the YMCA as a driver taking the preschoolers from their preschools to the Y for their swimming lessons, lifting them up into their seats in the van and buckling them in. I did that right up until my 9th month. After some time (and another futile run at being a nurse - UGH!!), I decided to be a Unionized Transit bus driver in the big city (not NYC) for some REAL pay! Get off Welfare completely!! And STAY off!! And I have. Happily!! Even with my good job, it was still a struggle to break free of the clutches of The Great Society (Welfare, welfare housing, and food stamps) and the War on Poverty. I lived it. It's all a big trap and one big JOKE. But now I'm a pensioner and live very nicely. I'm not rich by any standards, but at least now I'm comfortable.

When I lived in welfare housing (The Projects) in a two story, 3bd/1½b apt., did you know that the actual self proclaimed COMMUNISTS would come to my door to convince me to abandon my apt. and follow them? I laughed at them! But they were persistent! I had put a screen door on my apt. and that's what we spoke through. I spent pointless hours telling them how good I had it, even on AFDC. I had a 13" color TV (nice enough - and purchased on layaway at Kmart), food in my pantry, my kids were in school (better schools in those days), were well fed, clean, and we had a roof over our heads for the mere pittance of $51-83/mo., depending on my income. Welfare was my surrogate husband. I attended my local Community College for free and later a State University for only $356/semester (steep for me to pay, but a real bargain considering)! So they countered with a day care AND night care for my kids and all expenses paid for all of us...but what of the quality of the care and food, and what supervision of all of it and who was doing it? Nah. It was a bunch of malarkey then and it's a bunch of malarkey now.

Even now we live in interesting times. As you can see, I am not new to this as so many others are. Hippies are hippies. Gas lines are gas lines, as are food shortages and even empty shelves where the toilet paper used to be.

Hippie, also spelled hippy, member, during the 1960s and 1970s, of a countercultural movement that rejected the mores of mainstream American life. The movement originated on college campuses in the United States, although it spread to other countries, including Canada and Britain.

Hippies were considered radicals. "Don't trust anyone over 30." Kent State and Vietnam and OPEC. Yep, same old stuff, different day. <big yawn!> And there weren't even computers, no cell phones and no instant cameras or even texting, no big screen TVs and the TV reception was lousy at best! I'm currently rewatching all original episodes of Star Trek (1966-67) and I must admit, although when I saw them on TV originally I thought them astoundingly good, they are now sadly dated.

I sound like Grandma Methuselah, but I remember the big deal made about fax machines and microwave ovens! My first computer was a 486 (although my DD's BF wanted me to buy a PENTIUM [for devious reasons], brand new technology back then) with a "JUMBO" 256k HD. Ancient times, those. I was warned that if I got a "ridiculously large computer" for my needs (the Pentium) that I would be throwing away my money. Computers were just a toy, temporary, and wouldn't amount to much. I wish I'd bought stock in Microsoft! Even worse, if I'd changed my major from Nursing (ugh!) to Microbiology (I was a hand-picked tutor for the head of the Microbiology Dept. because I was so good at it), I was offered a position in a "new start up company" called GENENTECH!! So close to the brass ring...so close, but still a swing and a miss.

And clear back in the mid-60s, I worked at a huge electronics place manufacturing the first computer chips/semiconductors using gold ball bonding under a microscope.

Gold wire bonding is the process by which gold wire is attached to two points in an assembly to form an interconnection or an electrically conductive path. Heat, ultrasonics, and force are all employed to form the attachment points for the gold wire.
- www dot palomartechnologies dot com/processes/wire-bonding/gold-wire

Back in those days, it was all done by hand, each individual chip wired carefully on a VERY HOT machine with attached binocular microscope to make this tiny gold wire "look like an eyebrow". Tedious, hideous, miserable, finger-burning work!

======================================

Sorry to go on like that. I may not have lived an easy life, but certainly a full one!

Time for bed. (Sun is up. )

Honeybera

[Chessgirl]

Honeybera

Wow the more you share about your life, the more interesting it gets! Sounds romantic meeting your DS’s father at truck driving school. Wish he had treated you better through. What an exciting time that must have been.

Driving the bus for the ymca sounds like a cool gig. I worked there for 2 years after highschool in the kid zone. I loved it! Such a happy environment and I eventually got a sweet nanny job from the connections I made there.

You have certainly lived through all kinds of fascinating times and have accomplished so very much. Didn’t know you were a microbiologist too! My major was Anthropology but I dropped out just one class before graduation (always have had the bad habit of quitting before I succeed at something) anthropology was an interesting thing to learn about though. Very broad and encompasses so much.

I too tried to watch Star Trek and found it terribly dated haha... any other shows or series you like?

Love hearing from you!

[honeybera]

Hey Chessgirl! Wow. I thought that last post might have sent you running. I bravely posted it though. I'm glad I did. And glad that you're still here.

Anthropology, huh? Mine was Nursing. Hated it! It was suggested to me by MD. "More ladylike than driving!" Ladylike? OMG. Death and sickness and so on. I even had to wrap a body up for the Morgue and was forced to witness a mastectomy, too. When they removed this woman's breast, they unceremoniously plopped it into a nearby sample bucket for the lab, but it just kind of flipped around and ended up with the nipple up, sort of looking at us. YIKES. Bus driving was what I wanted, but back then (and even now somewhat) women were the definite minorities. I was one of the first in my division. A couple of real old timers were there, but still very, very few women. One other lady driver with just a few months seniority on me had also come off Welfare, too. We both worked there happily until we retired, homeowners both. A good job can turn a life around.

Looking back, it doesn't even seem real. But real it was. Only 6 weeks of training and I was out there on the road picking up passengers on a tight schedule in heavy traffic, driving a 40' straight vehicle that did NOT bend around corners. Turning a bus like that around a corner is a real skill. And if you take a look at the dashboard, it looks like you're driving a 747 down the street with all the stuff that's on there, like lights and switches of all kinds. But once I got the hang of it, it was a piece of cake...usually. But then there were the passengers. After several years of that, I began to understand their idea of "customer service": just smile and nod, and if that doesn't work, just "shut up and drive your bus!", as the ornery passengers would say with a smirk or a snarl. 99% were nice, but the 1% were atrocious! Happens in close work with the public.

They have changed things for the new guys recently, but back in the day the dispatcher just handed me a "pouch" with a schedule in it and the stops listed on a sheet of paper - and off I went out to do my route. But now they pamper these rookies by sending along a seasoned driver, aka a Route Familiarization something or other, to guide him/her on all the routes so they know what they're doing. We weren't so lucky, especially on a rainy pre-dawn morning where I didn't know where I was going nor where the bus stops were and when to get into the left lane for an upcoming turn PLUS due to the rain I couldn't even see out of my mirrors and didn't even know how close I was getting to anything on that important right side! Hit something and that was the end of the dream!! I remember being occasionally terrified and thinking, "Just pretend. Just DO it! Act as if you know what you're doing. You'll be ok!"...and I was.

But I was so green and unprepared that when I first took my bus out on my first route, I set the head sign (that tells what bus you are) to ODO because when I was in training, the instructor would say, "OK, what is our code for the head sign?" and we'd all yell like Boot Camp recruits, "O-D-O!!!" and she would smile and say, "THAT'S RIGHT!" - so there I was out in the middle of nowhere in a bus ready to do my route and I put up on the head sign code (what else?) ODO! And sure enough, it said, "TRAINING COACH"! Oh my. It was supposed to be Rt. 15! So I panicked, nearly in tears, but after some deep problem-solving thought, I grabbed my Coach Operator's Guide and with great relief discovered the section for Head Sign Listings and looked up Rt. 15, put the proper code up, and lo! and behold!! ROUTE 15!!! So many of my beginnings at bus driving were like that. Hit and miss. Just do the best you can and put one foot in front of the other and DON'T QUIT TRYING. Scary, but it worked.

You wonder why I'm so calm now? I had to learn how to cope with all the nonsense, but now they pay me (my pension that I EARNED over 25 yrs.) to stay at home...and relax. So I'm relaxed...most of the time. If I could cope with that which I've already lived through, I can cope with anything. It strengthened me. So did MD. Not that she meant to, but she did anyway.

Have you ever ridden in a big rig? Lord knows I have! It's sort of jarring and rocking as you go down the road, but you get used to it. Very rhythmic, almost soothing. If you really want to drive for a living, there's many ways to do so, but right now you've got bigger fish to fry.

My poor feet are killing me today. No work outside sadly. I'm also trying to stay awake until around 7 or 8pm so I can be up in the morning but well rested, too. I watered yesterday, so it's ok. The pups were very good yesterday!! Quiet all night long!! YAY!! No crate for Boots last night due to no fighting outside; inside yes, but not outside to irritate the neighbors at 1am or so. Doggie door open for potty access...all night long! So proud of them! I gave them a newly arrived treat today, a pizzle stick chew, and they fought over that plenty! But not outside. So I'm fine with that. I'm about to begin training them to fetch and drop. I just ordered a bunch of tennis balls and a cool launching "gun" plus a small swimming pool for the dog's yard for the heat we get here in the summertime. Lots of training to do. I'm thinking about getting my pups into Barn Hunt events. I've never done this before, but it looks like fun. I've already got the bales of straw for my garden (weed control + moisture control). To train my pups to jump up on the bales should be no problem; they love to jump up and explore things. LOTS of training to do! We have a site for the events about 3 hours away. (Not bad.)
=======================

Even better!! Got one about 45 min. to the north! After watching a lot of short videos on Barn Hunt, I can see that I'm going to have to start with Agility training at first. My dogs are more than smart enough for that, the attention will do them only good, and in addition, it'll get me up and off of this chair! In the morning I'll be moving around some of those straw bales (I have six of them) for my gardening, but also to get my pups used to the straw. Let them jump up on it and such. With all that I have going on, I can be sure that boredom won't be my problem. I also noticed that my weight and age seem to be in line with the other participants of Barn Hunt, so I won't be out of place and uncomfortable. And my Rat Terrier pups are PERFECT for this, BORN for this! The judges hide a LIVE rat in a long ventilated tube and bury it in a stack of straw bales and then the dog sniffs it out and finds "The Rat" for a WIN. Right up our alley. Some dogs in the videos had to be coaxed to show any interest in the rat at all, but not my dogs!! They've already run all the rats here off from around here already and have been sniffing around and digging and exploring underneath my planters where the rats have been. I wonder if we have a rat's nest established in the heart of the stacks of straw already? We'll see tomorrow. I have no fear of rats, but I do have a healthy respect for them and stay out of their way if I see one. They do the same for me. But my aggressive pups don't feel like that at all!

It's midnight now and I'll need some sleep if I'm to get out there tomorrow morning. I hope that I can do this all this activity, but I don't see why not. The pups are going to need a lot of practice in Obedience and Agility, but that puts me out there, too, and that's got to be healthier for me than the constant sitting. More weight loss, too. And Boots and Mittens are such smart and pretty dogs and need to be seen, maybe even winning a ribbon or two? I'd love that! They are registered AKC and are from AKC champions. I'd hate to hide their light under a bushel. Tonight I did have to separate them again due to barking, Boots in the crate and Mittens in the pen. They'll catch on eventually: no barking outside after 10 pm. Gotta be law abiding dogs, y'know!

Tomorrow: straw bales and lots of Agility & Obedience 101 (or how-to-start) videos.

Honeybera

[Chessgirl]

Hey honeybera

A good job can turn a life around.

Such wise and hopeful words. The bus driving sounds like a a great long term career. Sounds at times terrifying though! I would probably hve a panic attack driving around in the rain like that!

Nope I don’t believe I hve ever driven in a big rig. Looks fun though.

Barn Hunt sounds awesome! Those pups are living the life! Hope it all works out

[honeybera]

I need to write right now. I am depressed (I think). I am trapped in my bedroom with my dying dog under a State lock down until June 15th. My dumb doctor REALLY wants me to come into his (germ infested) office. Taking a (free for me) Face Time call from him on my iPhone isn't enough for him anymore. I believe he gets more money that way (for a $10 copay office visit), so he's prescribing me only 30 days of meds UNTIL I go into the even more germ infested testing facility and get my a1c. Last time it was a mere 6.1. That's a reading for PRE-diabetes! Lowest reading I've ever had since I began taking tests for a1c!! It was 7.2 IIRC when I started keto/IF in Nov. 2017. It's been as high as 12 back in 2007!!! But he's refusing to issue me any more meds after this batch until I get some tests done (via a phone call from his snarky med. assistant who called me instead of him and then talked over me incessantly). It's NOT for opioids, for Pete's sake!! That phone call was a week ago and they were supposed to MAIL me the paperwork to go get the tests, but I've not received it yet.

I do see his point medically. He doesn't want to risk prescribing meds without knowing how I'm doing. BUT THERE'S A PANDEMIC GOING ON, we're still on lock down, and I fit the bill for the riskiest to catch COVID-19 (unvaccinated, obese, diabetic, and aged 74). I'm not an against all vaccines, but want to wait and see with this one. My choice, I thought foolishly. I feel safe in my room, but that is eating me alive. I thought I was an isolationist/hermitess before, but this has gone on for over a year now with ONE trip in the car with DS to fetch the pups over an hour's drive away! I repeatedly saw things that had changed and felt like Rip Van Winkle viewing the changed world!! Over and over, I'd point to one thing or another in surprise and say to my son, "WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN??", but it was old hat to him. "Oh, they tore down that building/changed the traffic lanes/shut down that business a LONG time ago!"

I haven't been out in my front yard since except to wrangle a delivered box off my front porch before the package thieves get to it first (if DS isn't home to get it first)! I receive no phone calls from anyone, even family, even if I've requested them to call. I have no friends in town. I never developed them due to working 100 miles away from here and staying at work in my RV in the parking lot (as many of us drivers did who owned homes quite far away). I don't belong to a church group or social club or even the senior center here. You guys are my only contact...well, you and my dying dog and blessedly the pups (my only cheer).

Today Spot won't eat. She is already skin and bones, like a skeletal dog wobbling around. Sometimes she is bouncy and goes into a play stance (a reaction to the pups?), but she nearly destroyed me yesterday by peeing on my bathmat. She has a tendency to pee or poop on that rug, so I've built a barrier out of a quite heavy folding table so NO ONE can go near that mat, including me, until I am so in need of a nice, hot, refreshing shower. Yesterday was such a day, and I climbed in and was relishing the wonderful feeling of CLEAN...until I looked out the glass shower door and saw Spot squatting on my little pristine bathmat!!! I yelled at her and she ran into my room, but then came right back and squatted AGAIN! I must admit that I screamed at her. She kept coming back to pee (or poop) on my bathmat, right where I was about to place my nice, clean foot. Once I got out, I yelled at her some more. She has a throw rug in by the tub that she can pee and poop on all she wants, in fact, I encourage her to, but for some reason, she singled in on my protected area and the mat thereon. I was so mad! It was like the final straw! She ran to her bed (next to mine) and laid there. Today, she won't eat. She is my neurotic dog. Always has been. So tonight, in tears, I picked her up and held her and petted her and told her that I love her. She still won't eat, but she did relax a bit.

So...it's no wonder that I'm feeling depressed. I did manage to get outside to water my plants/trees, and to play with the pups a bit before THEY get neurotic. They are craving my attention a bit too much...once I get around to playing with them. This breed needs lots of attention, they really do. These rapidly growing puppies are so darned cute and uplifting, but with Spot as she is (a cranky old lady with no time for pups that want to play with her!!) and her dwelling in my room like a troll, giving sufficient time to the pups is difficult at best.

Last night I put out a big package of frozen bone-in pork chops so that tonight I know what meat to have. I ♥♥♥ pork chops!! I may even make some keto cream gravy with the drippings. (Gotta love keto!!) Bonus: the pups get some bones to chew on, and I know that they'll love that, especially when they're teething! I'm also going to whip up some enriched potting soil and plant this tomato cutting that broke off from my Early Girl and plant it. Did you know that if you have a nice cutting from any tomato plant and stick that cutting in plain tap water in a glass and place the stem, devoid of leaves except for a few on the top, in a light source (like a bright window sill) that it will grow roots on it? And then you can plant it! A whole new tomato plant! My one from last year even got a few sweet, edible tomatoes growing on it just in tap water! Nature is amazing, and so is hydroponics.

I think I'll go make some dinner and play with the pups for a while. They are just being introduced to "The Ball"...and they like it! Spot never was much interested in The Ball, but Dot was OBSESSED by it! "DOT! Where's your BALL??" would send her off sniffing around for wherever that Ball was!! I miss my yard dog. I probably always will. But now Boots likes to fill the bill, always nearby in the yard. Or Mittens, too. I'm glad that I got them. They are perfect. I just hope that I'm good enough for them. They deserve the very best!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

The following may make me seem like I'm bipolar or something: high highs and low lows. But no. I am just finding out how well I've managed to treat myself well - starting years ago and happening now. I have decided to get a Generac whole house generator. It's turning out to be a bit more complicated than I realized, but it is doable. As you know, I already have a Harvest Right freeze dryer, naturally the biggest one and the best I could find! I just finished paying it off, over a year's worth of payments, and yet it is STILL in the box! I didn't know how to set it up and I was a little concerned that it may draw too much power, and would the Generac be sufficient...etc. etc.

BUT BUT BUT while looking at how big a generator I'll need in case of a power outage with this being a real possibility in my state and me having so much frozen food, I ran across a video (God bless videos!!!) on "how to set up a Harvest Right freeze dryer"! IT IS SO EASY TO DO!!! Nearly "plug in and play"!! I got the no-oil-needed vacuum pump, making life much easier than having to service an oil-needed pump nearly every time I use it! The easier, the better is how I like it! So now, after a year of dawdling and procrastination, I can see that I could set this sucker up all by myself. But then look at how long it took me to get used to baking bread with <shudder!!> YEAST!!! Now it's just habitual (and TASTY!), but I went through HELL trying to work up the courage to "JUST DO IT"!

You guys praise me for my abilities to thrive and "rise above my raising", and don't get me wrong, I love the praise ♥♥♥, but it really gets to be a struggle to get over that hump sometimes. I'm running an ancient 10 yr. old Dell laptop as the computer I'm using for everything ATM, so I figure that I can take it into the family room with me and the downloaded how-to video and get this thing set up BEFORE any "emergency situation" happens. I have plenty of electricity now, that's for sure, and "emergency food supplies" are currently available in any grocery store. Big bags of potatoes, carrots, frozen peas, and frozen corn, fresh garlic, olives (green and black), and even rotisserie chicken, lasagna, pot stickers, and so on, all from Costco, to begin with. I wonder how cut up hot dogs would do, or diced ham ? Imagine that! Have you priced this freeze dried emergency food stuff?? Plus this should be fun. I'm supposed to start with regular store bought white bread first, to try things out and see how it works. Maybe even try some strawberries or blueberries or other fruits. My Blenheim apricots and Apriums (just like a really sweet apricot) and the donut peaches out in my orchard are about to be ripe in about another month or so. Maybe one of the first things I'll try after the sliced potatoes, carrots, and other veggies and meats. It's supposed to last for up to 25 yrs. Nice!! And I can store it on top of the cabinets in the hobby room since freeze dried food isn't heavy at all, and maybe even out in the garage or in the storage room. Oh, yeah - my house just hit a half million in value according to Zillow. Best investment I ever made! And it's nearly paid off. <HAPPY DANCE!>

I need to review the how-to video a couple of times first to really get really comfortable with doing something so foreign to me. It's only about 4 min. long. The setup is relatively simple. But this machine is very expensive (VERY!!) and I need to do it right...the first time! And therein lies the ancient pressure. The old MD echoes of "You're reliably unreliable!!!" or "You're dependably UNDEPENDABLE!", which was always followed by some sort of slapping or just plain beating as a form of punctuation. No wonder my Inner Critic is so loud mouthed! IT'S STILL HER VOICE! "Oh for Pete's sake!!!", she'd scream at me. "What's WRONG with you??? Why can't you be more like ME??!!" (God forbid!!)

I'm so glad that I found this protected and safe website, this forum, this thread to heal by sharing this PUBLICLY with all of ♥you♥!! It helps me to understand me. Why am I so fearful of making a mistake? And understanding the answer to that is SO HEALING! When I realized that I could more than likely set up this monstrous machine myself (it's taller than I am! ) and FINALLY get it freeze drying my food, I threw up my hands in triumph and yelled out loud, "YAY!!! I CAN DO IT!" That is truly soul satisfying to me!!

But first things first: move everything surrounding the machine and the sturdy, rolling U-line cart is sits on so I can move it around by myself. A BIG JOB in and of itself! (The Final Countdown) And then unbox all the (scary) parts that go with it. Then understand how it works. (More videos) Hook it up. And then USE IT! I already have all the appropriate buckets with lids, the oxygen absorbers (and the knowledge of how to tell if they're fresh or not and where to get more when/if I need them), tons of Mason jars of all sizes, Mylar bags (many sizes and ways to cut and seal them), and so on. It's all stacked around and with the new freeze dryer on its cart. But I can't just quit now or even slow down. I really have to finish this! And NOW.

=====================(later - after watching a Crappy Childhood Fairy video - God bless videos x2!)

Fear, anger, and grief, all swirling around. Yeah, I hear you! I really "get it" with my narcissistic mother after watching MANY videos with Dr. Les Carter, but I feel like now I've sort of graduated to the Crappy Childhood Fairy's videos and my C-PTSD and how that's affecting my life NOW. All that I wrote above shows that, and that I'm still having problems with it. Naturally. But with (name removed) approach to C-PTSD I can see how the emotions listed, fear, anger, and grief, are still crippling me emotionally. She spoke of isolation, and how people with C-PTSD are many times as likely to be isolated. I really like her empowering and self forgiving ways of addressing these issues. When I first started trying to understand what made MD tick, I could see that forgiveness of her was of great importance, but I never dreamed that when I thought about forgiveness, all I would see in the mirror was me. Fear, anger, and grief. Hm.

I know that you consider me brave and courageous, but that fear is still rearing its ugly head. My anger was so overwhelming at times, but happily is subsiding into more like questioning and feeling irked. And that leaves me with my sense of grief or loss. I sure have a lot to study these days.

=============================(next day)

Fell asleep before I could send this. I woke up to some shocking, terrifying, and heartbreaking news out of San Jose, CA re: the deaths of 9 people in a mass shooting at the light rail yard there. I can only say that this hits uncomfortably close to home for me. OMG. I knew none of the victims, but I know PRECISELY where that took place. Not only did that take place in the former Welfare AFDC building which for years was where I often visited during my time on AFDC, now housing the Sheriff's Dept., but it's where they service and keep all the light rail vehicles. They were having a Union meeting at 6:30am when this fellow came in and began shooting people. I wrote a text to my DS: "To my former employer: Just keep on sending me my pension check, drop it in my direct deposit every month, and I'll just stay safely in my room." I'm so glad NOT to be a bus driver any longer!! It was fairly unsafe when I did it, but now? With masks? And crazy people like that out there? And this guy was another employee!

We had one guy beaten (and poop smeared all over on him, his driver's seat, and his fare box) and weeks later someone sucker punched him in the mouth so hard that it broke his dentures in his mouth! One woman driver (a friend) who this guy attempted to rape when she was up in the mountains driving her bus and another time someone tried to rape and rob her as she was on break in her bus at the end of the line. Immediately afterward, she ended up as a dispatcher and he ended up at System Monitor (on the radios), hence, no contact with the public. But even I had some REALLY close calls! Nothing ever came of it, but I got out of it only by sheer dumb luck! I had one lady say to me, "I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR BADGE!!!" I thought she meant write down my badge # and call in on me, but instead she GRABBED my shirt sleeve and began to attempt to pull off my actual badge! I swung on her and she skedaddled off my bus, but wow.

And the night that (name removed) stood between me and another VERY angry male passenger (in an empty bus near the end of the line) that kept calling me a White Devil and other racist names. He was also very drunk and had accidentally dropped a $5 bill into the fare box by mistake for a $1 fare, but old cheerful rookie me began pointing that out to him in my best Customer Service voice and telling him how to recoup his money. He DEMANDED that I get it OUT of the fare box RIGHT THEN!! When I told him I couldn't, he became even MORE enraged! But blessedly, (name removed) stood his ground, reasoning with him, saying things like, "C'mon man! You just got out of jail! You don't want to go back." I sat in the driver's seat hearing this with this jailbird standing at the bottom of my bus stairs just raging, with no one around but (name removed) and this guy. "GET OUTTA MY WAY, (name removed)!!!! I want to HURT HER!!" It all ended with (name removed) moving slowly down the stairs as he attempted to verbally soothe this drunk...and the minute the drunk's foot stepped off the bottom step and (name removed) stepped off, too, my doors shut and I was OUTTA THERE!!! <HEAVY sigh of relief!!> Come to find out, the two of them took the light rail to a rather far off spot across town and he got into it with some other woman light rail passenger on the platform, threatening her and beginning to physically assault her, and was apprehended by our Security. So he went back to jail anyway, but God bless (name removed)! He really saved the day!

Another guy spit in my face when I made his stop. I went past it a little bit (maybe 20 ft.) before it registered that he'd rung the bell. He came up to the front, cussed me out, said I did it deliberately, SPIT full in my face and RAN! I furiously jumped up out of my driver's seat and chased him outside and halfway down the side of my bus before it hit me: what was I going to do if I CAUGHT him?!! So I stopped, went back to my bus, got in and wiped the spittle off my face, and just left. What else could I do? But it was really gross!

25+ yrs. of transit bus driving in a closed Union shop. And now this guy this morning... Seems he set his own personal house on fire, too. Then he killed himself. And they still don't know why. You just never know when your time is up. They were just having an early morning Union meeting, probably just having coffee and donuts or something, this guy comes in blasting, everyone is scrambling, running to get up into the semi-protection of the light rail vehicles and away from their friend with the gun, and some survived, but not all. Pretty, mild Springtime morning, sun up in the sky, birds singing...and yet some didn't go home. <slowly shaking my head> Their families are in deep mourning. I am very grateful for my life, my safety. Kind of makes you think.

I couldn't have become a bus driver before I did, nor could I begin again now. I was there at the perfect time. As I've said many times before, I AM SO DARNED GRATEFUL. MD was a real challenge to live through, and she did indeed bend me and even leave me with some rather permanent or at least long lasting psychological scars, but she never BROKE me nor my spirit. Way back when, they used to have a saying: Every day in every way I'm getting better and better! Well, I am.

I'd better send this off.

Honeybera

[dancingfish]

Hey honeybera, just to let you know I'm reading along and sending support. Take gentle care of yourself if you can, that kind of news is hard to deal with.

You absolutely do deserve those pups, and ​all the joy they bring you. :) You're taking such great care of them too, and dear old Spot.

I think being brave is about carrying on despite being afraid. The more fear, the braver your dear self is. :)

Your fears about the doctor visit are okay, too! Perhaps you could call and ask what measures they're taking for your safety, and what they recommend you do too? Just an idea, that sometimes alleviates worry for me, when it's all unknown.

This is a bit short so my apologies if I've missed something important, but I'm so glad to see you thriving as you are. Always reading along, and so happy to have you here amongst us dear friend. :D

[honeybera]

Hey honeybera, just to let you know I'm reading along and sending support. Take gentle care of yourself if you can, that kind of news is hard to deal with.

Hey there dancingfish, dear old friend, thank you so much for the support. ♥♥♥

I just woke up...at 1am, which is like a dream come true for me. [no pun intended] I went to sleep at 4pm yesterday, so exhausted that I kept falling asleep sitting up, so I figured just go with it and climbed into bed without any sleep aids and fell into deeply restful sleep, just like that! I'd like to sleep some more, but my brain won't turn off now. I found myself writing to all of you in my mind, so I turned on my computer ("on the world" - similar to my WOW) and here I am.

It's beginning to dawn on me that I may be depressed. I have to laugh at that statement. The COVID isolationists have taken my tendency of being a self protecting hermitess to dizzying heights...and dumped me off unceremoniously to fall back to earth. isurvive.org is my only outlet for my feelings, and I thank God it's here, believe me! And watching the news on TV, often switching it to watch the murder mysteries on ID as mental overload relief, is my routine. That and doing the necessary things around here with less and less interest: eating my OMAD and doing keto, "doing my pills", and looking out at my dying garden with terrible sadness. Even my new pups are heartbreaking because I don't spend enough time with them due to Spot dying right in front of my eyes on her slowly DAILY decline. She's doing her level best to survive, but she's like watching a tiny wobbly skeleton walking into my bathroom to get a drink or take a bite of food and then wobble shyly back in and lay down in her bed to die a little more. Who WOULDN'T be depressed by watching that day after day??!

But to take her in to a vet to MURDER her??? She is trying her best to survive just like me and she doesn't seem to be in any pain, but just very weak...SOMETIMES, but other times when she wakes up, she is frisky and even goes into play stance! I couldn't live with myself if I had her euthanized nor could I enjoy my new pups afterwards if I did that, taking the easy way out at Spot's expense! I don't want someone doing that to me. DB did that with MD, put the hospice people IN CHARGE of all things, yet she wasn't IN the hospice care facility. They were simply on the same property her nursing home was on and DB saw it as a perfect solution to the fight between his constantly nagging wife and his overly demanding mother. Case closed for him. How did she die? Was COVID involved? Who knows? She was abandoned in a nursing home during a pandemic and she died. Due to her insane fear of abandonment from both DB and before that my father and her lifelong rejection of me, she ended up by pushing me away and embracing him and dying alone. BTW, due to her being "taken care of" by the hospice, including all medications and medical care decisions, we had the option of actually seeing her when the other patients at the facility were not given family visits. So said DB. He CHOSE not to see her. He left that up to staff and she died. Case closed.

I think MD bet on the wrong horse. If asked, I would've fought to the death, even for MD, despite her treatment of me. But even I have my limits on being pushed away, of being mistreated and insulted over the period of my 70 yrs. when I decided that I'd had enough. And I don't regret my decision. I have value, I have worth, too. No one deserves to be treated that way. But if SHE was being wronged and needed my help AND ASKED FOR IT, I would have put all else away and protected her. Love? I'd say so. However, the fact that she didn't, and what DB did as he systematically reaped the incredible benefits from her passing, is also depressing to me. I was not involved at all in her passing as I was not there, just as my father's passing was also tidied up and swept away before I could even get there because I was working at the time and it took me an hour and a half to drive home. I got a call en route in my pickup: "He's already dead. Do you still want to come?" Too sad. Too sad.

Writing for me IS therapeutic!! I like that it's on the internet and that others can read this. It helps me to feel that I'm not so ALONE. What is troubling me tonight and making me suspicious of being depressed enough to reject all things that used to give me pleasure is that I'm not doing anything to fix things. So obviously I need to change that. I can deal with seeing old Spot pass so slowly with that big cancerous growth on her tummy extending larger each day as her body weakens and her skeletal body...I have done this before but with different elements (stroke, doggie Alzheimer's) and I don't really mind giving her the best care possible because I love and respect her, just as I did with my grandparents 50 yrs. ago. (Has it really been that long ago?) It's not easy to deal with, but it is necessary.

The summer's blistering HEAT is about to arrive on Memorial Day: 106ºF predicted!! And from then on it'll be in the mid- to upper 90s for the rest of June, and then JULY hits!!! 100ºF and ABOVE all the way into late Sept. I already received the doggy wading pool from Amazon for my pups. They should enjoy that. I have a new dedicated plastic chair over in the dog's yard, but the problem that has to be solved IMMEDIATELY is how my pups in their wild puppy enthusiasm for my mere presence RUSH THE DOOR. It has to stop! They RUSH to get in, eager to be with me, and I love their enthusiasm, but the outcome for poor old Spot who lives in my room isn't good as these puppies jump her and want a good old-fashioned tussle. Spot's reaction is a deep low growl and then a SNAP at the pups, who only see that as an incentive to more vigorous play, but Spot is deadly serious! The pups need to have the run of the entire yard, but the split second that I open the door to my WOW, they want to ZIP IN! So they're locked into only the dog's yard. If I do open the door and get rushed by them when they're in the garden side, they see Spot and want to play, play, play...PUPPY STYLE! So NOW is the time to train both the pups (to wait for me to INVITE them into my room to play nicely with each other, but NOT SPOT!) and Spot (to not attack said pups who want to play rough with another Rattie). And that training is up to ME. I believe that command is called STAY and NO. They are all very smart dogs. They can learn!

I'm also moving ALL my hummingbird plants that are currently dying in a wealth of SUN over into the blessed shade of my north facing bedroom and the entire house. I need to clean out my non-filled planters (on stilted legs) from the junk and other plants (mainly overwintered petunias) and put the hummer plants there. I can work in the shade that the house provides. This needs doing today! Otherwise, I'll lose some of them guaranteed! I have one Cuphea, a rather fussy plant, THRIVING in that shaded area. I have a bunch of old gardening "junk" in those planters ATM that needs to be cleared out and if keepable, placed on the shelf underneath. Then maybe a practice of STAY for my pups, but individually. They pay attention BY FAR more easily IF they aren't distracted by one another. All I want is to be able to control them bursting into my bedroom and "playing" with Spot as she just tries to sleep in her bed (next to mine). She may make it to her birthday (July 1st) and she may not, but soon this will be history and we'll all know the answer. IN THE MEANTIME, I need to train my pups to control themselves so all can be happy. And that is doable.

Off to watch a few videos on How to Train Dogs to STAY.

==================================(HOURS later)

I allowed the pups the run of the entire yard. I even sat in the dog's yard. But that wasn't enough. They have a habit of jumping up under my muumuu and scratching me, and now Mittens is doing it from behind. They just attacked me in my own backyard. Especially Mittens. She jumped up and bit my hand and made me bleed...AGAIN. Needless to say, this does nothing to endear me to her! And Boots is more aggressive, but more so to Mittens and Spot. DS is the Alpha male, but they don't see me as anyone but the Food Lady, a real push over! And I had a woman neighbor who lives kitty-corner from me over the back fence that I've never met in the last 20 yrs. come to "NOT complain" to me about my dogs barking. I may truly regret getting these pups! My arms are full of healing puncture wounds and now I have TWO MORE, one of them in my right ring finger that is the one that has a painful frozen joint in it. I feel like crying.

I would do anything to please these dogs. Anything but be bullied by them and their razor sharp teeth and claws and nor will I allow them to hurt my Spot. Again, they're not doing themselves any favors. Let me study this some more.

================================(Some time later)

OK, I brought in Mittens. Right in here with Spot and me! I didn't know what to expect, but she didn't attack Spot like when she's packed up with Boots. That seems to make a huge difference! Of course, she's rarely the leader in an attack like that. But today (armed with treats and a bit more knowledge of what I'm doing) I kept Spot and Mittens apart with just verbal commands, and instead kept Mittens attention with food, BUT TODAY I also taught her to WAIT until I gave the command to TAKE IT by setting a morsel of freeze dried chicken training treat on the floor as she sat or laid down and making her WAIT for it. Amazingly, she caught right on and did it in just a couple of tries!! I'll give her another few hours here and do it all over again. We worked for about 5 minutes doing this and she figured it right out. I have placed Boots in the pen and slid in the slat so she can't go out into the yard at all and have allowed Mittens free reign over the entire yard...but WITHOUT BOOTS to pack up with! So far, absolute silence. Wow! Not even any fence fighting with whatever is over there driving my dogs crazy. Maybe rats under the fence again? Upset by the smell of my dogs? Or the neighbors used to have a pit bull, so maybe that?

Next up is Boots. I'm taking her in to the Front room for her training. Same routine, but without her sister and all that distraction. SIT, DOWN, LEAVE IT, and TAKE IT. If I get that far with little Boots, I'll feel vindicated. I feel that she may be a bit tougher to train to NOT bug Spot. I plan to do this over and over with these pups. NOT TOGETHER! But it shouldn't take too long, maybe several days. They are EXTREMELY bright! I can see the problems with their negative behaviors intensifying each others behaviors, and this morning just shocked me as to how completely they're "packing up". Against the backyard rats? Fine. Against ME?? NO NO NO!!!

I just heard Mittens out in the yard by the fence yapping. I opened the door and in she came, all riled up! And here was Spot!! So Mittens attempted to "play" with Spot and Spot nailed her! Not bad, mind you, but had Mittens upside down on the floor on her back, teeth bared to Mitten's throat. I hope I can do that when I'm Spot's age. Then Spot stopped, Mittens shied away under the bed, and I believe that these two have the respect needed to peacefully COEXIST. Now Mittens gets to stay in here with us, happily chewing something underneath the bed, for just as long as she doesn't harass poor old Spot. This morning I re-ordered another little chew toy that can be filled with peanut butter or cheese spread - we have the peanut butter, but I ordered the cheese spread today and it should be here in a week.

And some new collars!! So needed for training. I know of some at a place up the road that the breeder recommended for nice leather collars, but for some reason the pups have very skinny necks, and I mean VERY! I need to find a nice 6" leather collar for each of them. So hard to find!

========================(Happy Memorial Day?)

Is one supposed to wish others a "happy" Memorial Day? Dunno.

Today I again allowed Mittens into my room for Training Day #2, and Spot promptly reminded her why she should NEVER try to play with Spot. Despite all her old age in doggy years, old Spot was amazingly agile and flipped Mittens, who is already about the size of Spot, over on her back with Spot's teeth bared at her throat! Not biting, just a VERY stern warning! However, unbeknownst to me, DS had let Boots into his room and the rest of the house. When I opened my bedroom door, all 3 dogs were suddenly "playing". DS and I looked at each other and saw no one was being harmed, and we both said, "Leave them alone." It ended peacefully (thank heavens!). So now I can have all 3 in one room without WWIII happening. WHAT A RELIEF...and a blessing!!

And even better news...I went outside (yes, you heard that right: OUTSIDE!) IN THE MORNING (since it's going to be hotter here today than the 101ºF in Phoenix AZ by several degrees!!) and MOVED each and every one of my tender hummingbird plants over into those tall planters up next to the house and into the lovely shade! How long have I been SAYING that I'm going to do it? Well, today I DID IT!! I had to clean and clear so much C-R-A-P out of those planters first, and in fact, I threw away most of it. I had my failing petunias out there on top, but underneath was a TON of old crumbling plastic containers, sludge, and weeds growing in that sludge, and lots and lots of creepy-crawling things! UGH!! And then I neatly replaced the crap and crud with my hummingbird plants who will now get a bit of morning sun and afternoon sun, but right now they are comfortably in the shade on this scorcher of a day! By July 1st, it'll be over 100ºF EVERY SINGLE DAY (in the late afternoon and early evening) until late Sept., and after the Summer heat goes away and turns cold into the Fall and Winter, the house keeps them warm when it's cold. Nice spot for them.

But I think that I'll go out there tonight just before it gets dark and finish up my weedeating, that is if I'm still awake. If not, in the morning again. The super creepy part is over (those tall planters! ICKY!). I've been conking out early every night lately. NO complaints! Just odd for me. During the summertime here on the surface of the sun , it's a GREAT idea to get out in the garden early, and the pups (after yesterday's fiasco) are keeping me company out there much more nicely. It was just like handling the unruly passengers on my bus: calm, but firm. Well worth the time and effort spent on them both, believe me, and I'm thrilled to see ol' Spot able to handle them on her own as well. She is now the Alpha bitch! They crawl on their bellies up to her, ears down, cowed, inviting play, and Spot just let's out a warning growl as the pups then slink away. Silly dogs! But so glad that that other "play" nonsense is over!!

I need to do some kitchen work now (dishes and slice up some bread I made) and then lunch (aka my OMAD). And I need to "do my pills". I'm so productive today! But then maybe I'll sleep again. I've been UP for 12 hours already. I may watch the end chapters of "Fall River". But at least I'm not feeling depressed and hopeless!! It's nice to look out into my yard and feel happy about it. Just sayin'.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Thanks Jonesy for the edit. I wasn't sure.