Letting go

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honeybera
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Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Tues.
Hi there. I'm about to go out back and do some gardening and dog training. What a life! :mrgreen: BTW, THANK YOU for fixing the bold and italics! I'm as happy as a little girl!! :mrgreen:

I'm about to order some "GRASS" clippers that don't make you bend over, but rather stand to use them!! (GardenersEdge dot com) There were several five star reviews from senior citizens! I'm thinking of those devilish whippy weeds and cutting those LONG tough stems that trail EVERYWHERE, but often right next to the ground. They are so strong that they wrap around my ankles and trip me, sometimes making me fall out there! So I'm going to give these clippers a try and save my back and legs while doing the whippy weed cleanup. I'm also getting their "Deluxe Soil Knife" (also 5 emphatic stars) - I have a TON of things to do out there with it.

I may try to find my old uniform belt so I can carry my tools with me in a pouch. It's tough to garden in a muumuu with two tiny pockets. But this evening, now a mere 79ºF at 7pm with a nice breeze, I'm taking on the front yard weeds. DS said he'd do it, but his boss is working him constantly AGAIN, EVEN THOUGH HE'S PART TIME! So I'm going to right now. Wish me luck. I have an hour and a half before dark.

===========================(8:45pm)

OMG. :? I got so much done, but just not what I'd started out to do. There were too many things in the way: my hauler FILLED with the second straw bale was blocking my path, weeds were coming back up (although just here and there and not like a weed carpet like they used to be) and I couldn't just dump the straw on top of a clump of green growing weeds. So I pulled the straw bale out of the way, set up my weedeater (I'm getting quicker and more confident at that! :mrgreen:), mowed down the offending weeds, dumped the bale out of the hauler, played with the excitedly jumping dogs ("What is this smelly old thing doing here?" <sniff, sniff> :!: :!: ), and flaked it out and sort of spread it. Then I watered all my poor super thirsty plants very well, threw out the old dead petunias, moved some of my hummingbird plants around, came in and SAT DOWN!! WHEW!

Those once-lovely petunias, now sadly just an eyesore, went right into the trash. THAT IS TRUE PROGRESS FOR ME! Throwing things away is getting easier to do for me. I always felt like a sense of loss, of "OMG. What if I need that later?" or something like that. As I heal up internally, I'm noticing quite a few things like that. Once I put on my gardening shoes and step out the door, I have no problem keeping going, but putting those shoes on and stepping out there is often darned near impossible for me.

================================(Wednesday afternoon)

Taking a break. My lower back and legs are killing me! DS and I just cleaned out all the freezers due to some new stuff coming in and a need for space (I emptied, he hauled it out). Saved all dated for 2021 and some for 2020, but all the rest = TRASH! A bit for the dogs, but not much. It's getting easier to "let go" of STUFF. I'm not as nutty about it as MD was, but it really needed to be DONE. Some of that stuff way in the back dated back to 2015 when I got my big upright freezer! Some packages had no markings but were grayish and full of ice crystals. OUT THEY ALL WENT! And now I have shelves that don't threaten an avalanche!!! :lol: And that's after TWO big shipments came in from A)Walmart grocery (frozen veggies, etc.) and B)a shipment of pork (chops, stew meat, and ribs) from TX packed in a cooler with dry ice. Rebel ice cream comes like that, too. And NOW we can get 3 cases of Rebel ice cream at a time without worry as to "do we have room for it??" This chore was LONG overdue!! :mrgreen:

But now it's a done chore and it feels both freeing and amazing!! Like I've given myself the gift of spaciousness and order and control!! There are many more projects like this to do, both outside and inside. But it is getting done and I couldn't be more pleased!

And what's more, I don't MISS or NEED the defrosting, ancient meat out in our garbage can! HALLELUJAH!!! And there's NO ONE over my shoulder complaining and shaming me for HOW I did MY JOB! :P It was done at the right speed, it was done (period!), it didn't matter how long it took me to "get to it", how someone else could have/WOULD have done it LONG before I did AND done it better than me...NONE OF THAT! And now that is that.

The lesson in this? That I now have room COMFORTABLY for nice fresh frozen food, whatever I want and in PLAIN VIEW whenever I look in there! OMG, I just realized that when the recipe says, "Just pop it into the freezer." that I CAN DO JUST THAT!!! OMG, OMG, OMG!!! I can freeze my keto soups again, too. I have the perfect containers, but now I have the room to stack them in there. And if I want to pop them out of the containers and then keep the frozen soup blocks in a 1 gallon Ziploc® storage bag (and I do use those, believe me!), I CAN!! Oh wow!!! That was time very well spent! So many benefits!!

=============================(Double WHEW!!!)

I weed-ate one entire side of the front yard!! :mrgreen: It really needed it! And THEN I watered the ENTIRE backyard (except for the mini-orchard out there). Now I have to cook my dinner (pork chops, Brussels sprouts, and maybe some tuna on toast). I've been fasting since last night and so now I've been fasting for 21 hours. I'm not starving (so I plan to sit here for a bit and let the pain in my legs subside - varicose veins are acting up), but I do need to eat something. Also it's especially good for me to fast and exercise (exercise before eating), so doing this hauling of the bales of straw and weedeating in lieu of going to a gym and doing pointless and ponderous exercise just seems logical. At least this is accomplishing something in the yard.

My varicose veins are also being exacerbated by my weight, which is coming off, but SO SLOWLY, so I'm trying to do all I can to get my weight off! I don't care what I LOOK like, but I do care how much weight loss at this time will improve my health. I could ignore all this, eat whatever I want, gain weight, eat out every night, and eat fast food...oh, I have to admit that FAST FOOD sounds good, but it will kill me. "Oh, she died at 75. Too Bad. Nice long life, though." NOT FOR ME! I plan to stick around for a long, long time! Besides, MD lasted until she was 91 and my father until he was 88, so I've got a good chance at least. But I have to maximize my chances, no doubt. More activity, move more, sleep well, and enjoy life. And why the heck NOT? :mrgreen:

Time for dinner, a bit of TV, and BED!!

Honeybera
Last edited by Serenity on Sat Jun 26, 2021 11:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Added trigger warning
honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I need to write about this, but only for a second. Last year about this time, I ordered a gun. (Don't freak out. Only for protection.) But in my state I need to take a test first, then wait 10 days before picking it up. All nice and legal. I had my rifle shipped in from out of state to a licensed gun store nearby. They told me about the test that is required that I take and were very accommodating, even to the point of telling me that I could take the test in my car to be COVID safe. I have been putting it off for an entire year now and they have been storing my new rifle that' I've already paid for. Now they are finally getting irritated with me. And no wonder! It's been a freakin' YEAR. All I need to do is take the dumb test. Well, today I'm going. They called (AGAIN!) yesterday and I promised them that I'd come in today. I've done that many, many times. But I could not sleep all night; I was WIDE AWAKE...until now at nearly 8am. :roll: Now I'm ready to drop off to sleep.

I DON'T CARE! I AM GOING IN TO TAKE THAT STUPID TEST and just GET IT OVER WITH! It's all about gun safety and so on. If I don't pass it, they've already said that they'll let me take it again the next day. Why, oh why, do I put things off like this!!? Even writing this is just allowing myself to not study for it. They open at 10am and I'm going to try to make it down there close to that time, but if I have to go in the afternoon, so be it. And if I have to retake the test, so be that, too! I am great at taking tests. I don't know why I'm doing this avoidance thing! It's just like the backyard. I just don't get the reluctance and avoidance.

Oh well. Back to studying. Oh, and I'm driving myself there -- driving my car for the first time since the pandemic began! This is so strange.

===========================(10:25am)

Finished studying the 47 page study guide recommended. Now to take a shower, wash my hair, get dressed (not in a muumuu), AND GO TAKE MY TEST. I'm as ready as I'll ever be! Do wish me luck. (Why am I so fearful of this? I ace tests!) :roll:

============================(5:24pm)

YAY!!! I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!! I got 29 out of 30. Just got one wrong. Not bad! Plus while there I bought a second gun, a handgun this time that takes the same ammo and has little kick to it for my arthritis in my hands. So success! Now I just have to wait while they run a background check. That should be no problem. Then they'll release my guns to me. I am so happy and relieved.

First time in over a year I've worn anything but a muumuu, first time driving a car in that long (but I was fine, like riding a bike! :P ), and I passed my test! I'm beginning to realize just how out of shape I am. I'm definitely keeping up with my gardening and setting up the dog's yard with lots of fun things for them to do. DS just went and bought a very cheap little wading pool over at Walmart for the pups, plus we'll be setting up more straw bales, a dog's bed (with a canopy! :roll: ), and a tug line with a bungee. More on that later. Pups are totally spoiled! And they're chasing all the birds, too, and even the lizards. It's a wild time out there! :lol:

But now I am absolutely EXHAUSTED! So nighty night, y'all.

Honeybera
Last edited by Serenity on Sat Jun 26, 2021 11:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed ST to NT for no triggering detail
coconuts
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Re: Letting go

Post by coconuts »

Woohoo, congrats on passing your test and finally getting it. Its funny how we put off simple things. Im never really sure why i do that. Oh well. Yeah for getting it done
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
honeybera
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Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

coconuts wrote: Sat Jun 26, 2021 6:08 pm Woohoo, congrats on passing your test and finally getting it. Its funny how we put off simple things. Im never really sure why i do that. Oh well. Yeah for getting it done
Thanks coconuts! I ended up sleeping for 14 hours straight! :roll: I also ate some chicken and rice prepped by DS (good cook!) - high carb, but there and super tasty. Back to keto now though. And we now have to travel the 150 mile round trip to my hometown to get my birth certificate to get my new driver's license, then a wait of 10-11 days for a background check, and THEN get my new guns and ammo. That's a lot of "getting"! But I am glad that they are so thorough! The test was just the FIRST step! Wow. But I am SO thrilled to have that darned test behind me!

I watered the yard tonight (important because of the consistency aspect of it - very important to my healing) and then peeled off the stickers on the new wading pool. I watched a video on "How to Get Your Dog to LOVE the Water". He said, "To get your dog to love the water and not fear it for the rest of his life, LET HIM TAKE THE FIRST STEPS IN. NEVER just THROW your dog in the water." Makes sense. But he was using a Golden Retriever while I have Rat Terriers; that's a whole different thing, believe me! They were even afraid of the actual wading pool...EVEN WITHOUT WATER IN IT! So what I've decided to do is to throw some FAVORITE little bits of treats into the empty pool and teach them to enter the pool and jump back out. Boots, my adventurous one, got it right away, Mittens not at all. She sure wanted those treats, but that "big, blue, scary thing" was just too off-putting to her! With Boots? OMG. Jump in, jump out...was that another treat thrown in? Jump in, jump out! Too cute! So we'll work on it tomorrow, too, until both "get it". Once that's learned, I'll add about a ½" of water, just enough to wet a belly and paws. Then another hot day, bring it up to 1". Get them gently used to it. I hope that they absolutely LOVE it on a hot day, and the 100ºF+ days are here, so now's the time.

And time for bed...again.

Honeybera
honeybera
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Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

My God, what a process!!! Now I've just decided to do this all online, so I ordered it. NOW I have to find a notary public and get the darned thing notarized and either snail mail or fax it. But at least I'm one step closer to my goal. They're promising waits of 15-20 days just to "process" it while charging me big bucks to do so. Wow. What a racket! And then I have to face the DMV to change my license back from Commercial to a regular license! Oh lordy! I wonder what a mess that will be to do! I shudder to think about it!

When I took my Gun Knowledge and Safety Test the other day, I apologized to them repeatedly because I felt really bad about leaving my rifle there for just about a YEAR due to my fears of God knows what. After passing the test, I purchased a small handgun with ammo that matches my rifle (for convenience sake). When I asked how long I have to complete all the upcoming paperwork to be legal and actually put my hands on my guns they told me that now that I'm into it this far, I no longer need to rush it. (Like I've "rushed it" before? :lol: ) However, I'm determined to do one step in this process at a time. Just one foot in front of the other and NOT allow this process to overwhelm me. It does seem like every time I complete something someone comes up with several more things to do! But no worries. I can do this!

Also coming up with me recently are intense memories of just how EVIL and "CONNIVING" (one of MD's favorite words) MD was!
con·niv·ing
/kəˈnīviNG/
given to or involved in conspiring to do something immoral, illegal, or harmful.
"a heartless and conniving person" - Merriam Webster Dictionary

related words for conniving, like: scheming, plotting, planning, calculating, inciting, finagling, conspiring, collusive, calculative, machinating and fomenting.
In short, she was a gaslighting maniac! And I'm now realizing that she did it to me because I was, to her, the ENEMY! She hated me! I was her child and gave her the status she craved as a mother and stay-at-home housewife, but not for me personally. In fact, she despised me for my gender and let me know it in every way she could. And she called me UGLY to hurt me - and it did. I was a dolly for the teenager to play with, but I wasn't. I was flesh and blood with all the frailties that one can have. I also had a lot of gifts which only made her more jealous and angry with me - just for being me. She was brunette with brown eyes. I came out with straight hair so blonde that it was nearly white, and I had green eyes. I remember her saying to me, "Your ONLY good feature is your eyes!" which confused me as a toddler. I remember wondering what I did look like and trying to see into the mirror on tiptoes, seeing my face, and then as soon as I stood normally again and was unable to see my face, I'd completely forget what I looked like. She did this ridiculing of my looks from then on, even taking my face roughly in her hands when I was a teenager, pivoting it towards the mirror in my bathroom, and snarling at me, "Why can't you be pretty like me?!"

The trouble was, I WAS pretty! Because of her own self-loathing, jealousy, and shame of who she really was, she didn't have it in her to be kind to me. (Thank God for my grandparents, who were the epitome of kindness and unconditional love - so I've sampled it and had it presented to me - I know what it looks like.) MD was not what you'd call a Happy Person. Her boring days at home consisted of a leisurely breakfast and talking with my father until noon or later over coffee as they made plans for what their next home project or trip or whatever would be - all done while I was at school - and then before I got home, she'd shuffle him out the door to do a few afternoon service calls. He was a TV repairman in the early days of television. I'd get home from school to see MD making dinner or housework or something and she'd send me out to play. (Didn't take much convincing.) We all ate dinner as a family (with MD ridiculing and mocking me as I ate), maybe some TV for me while they talked at the dining table, and then MD put me to bed...as soon as my father came home from his evening service calls after dinner. She had the rest of the evening with him. Alone. I was supernumerary aka in the way, a bit player in MD's scheme of the "movie of her life".
Supernumerary means "exceeding the usual number". ... Supernumerary actor, a performer in a film, television show, or stage production who has no role or purpose other than to appear in the background, more commonly referred to as an "extra" - Wikipedia
It was always there. I always felt like an outsider because I was treated like an outsider...ALWAYS. Once DB came 10 yrs. after my birth, it was even worse, more pronounced, more obvious and out in the open. She didn't even pretend to like me. She didn't have to. She'd provided a son to the marriage. It was like I didn't exist. She didn't care and Daddy Dearest didn't dare make even the slightest wave on MD's pond. And so it was allowed. Others in the family saw it; some tried to help, especially my aunts. But MD always won - often with the help of her band of flying monkeys with my father topping the list. I remember one time coming from my bedroom and hearing MD on the phone telling my beloved Aunt M that I didn't want her at my wedding. It was just MD stirring up trouble; I'd never said that. But that's how it always was. And if I got upset (and I did!), she'd blame me and the slapping would commence. I remember the deep feeling of betrayal and screaming at her loudly enough for my auntie to hear, "THAT'S A LIE! YOU BITCH!" over and over and over and watching her smirk and laugh at me. That time she didn't hit me (I think she knew better than to push me further at that moment!), but you could see how much she enjoyed watching me be so enraged as she sneered and laughed at me. God, I'm so glad that that is finally over!

I understand the narcissist, but I'll never understand the why of it. Well, maybe I do. Even people outside of our family told me that she was jealous of me. All I could think of was, "Jealous? Of ME? WHY??" I thought she was perfect. She was always saying that she was and that I was failing and faulty in one way or another. But unbeknownst to me, underneath it all, under all the facades and masks was the little Okie girl that was really her. She came out here during the 1930s Dust Bowl in absolute poverty, got bounced round from relative to relative (truly "Grapes of Wrath" style, right down to living in a migrant camp) and then to foster homes and orphanages...in the depth of The Depression. By the time my grandparents adopted her and my auntie M, she was 5 or 6. The damage was already done to her. And 11 years later I was born into a household of people that had never experienced a newborn, including my 17 yr. old mother. She was on her own: no Dr. Spock book even! :roll:
Dr. Benjamin Spock authored The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care in 1946, he became the world's most famous pediatrician.
I was born in 1946. His book was available and popular. But she never read it.

So she came to believe that life and children were like in the movies and they became her guide. I was doomed. She slipped prescribed Phenobarbital into my formula to shut me up from crying starting when I was 3 months old. I needed braces on my legs, but "no child of mine is going to be a cripple!", so I never got them. Now I'm horribly knock-kneed ><. Is that what caused it now? IDK. :roll:

I made mistakes as a mom, too, with my own kids. But I never ENJOYED making them, gloating about them as I viciously did them, like pulling the wings off flies and giggling about it. I felt bad about my mistakes. MD could only think about how to cover it up!!

Did a lot of work today. Exhaustion is overtaking me. Off to bed.

Honeybera
Last edited by Jonesy on Wed Jun 30, 2021 1:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to ST, for triggering detail
honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Thanks Jonesy! I never know which label is appropriate when I know I'm going into dicey areas, like my test, etc. So glad you're here to be more sensitive for all. ♥♥♥

I haven't watered since last Saturday, and it shows. I believe I need to water every day during the blistering heat of July. I managed to get out there tonight as the sun set and water due to guilt after seeing my hummer plants, tomatoes, and peppers drooping in thirst. I know better than to do this. But it's all up to me, whether I should do it or just watch them die. I do this every year. I usually let them die as I feel horrible watching them curl up and dry up as I bask in a/c comfort. But then I feel incredible guilt, promising myself not to do it again next year (or tomorrow or w/e).

But not tonight. I took it (literally) one baby step at a time, first by putting on my garden clogs. Then open the door. (Even that is a neat trick with wildly leaping, biting puppies jumping up under my muumuu, THRILLED to see me since I haven't stepped foot out there since Saturday, and also nipping at my feet! I'm trying to teach them to "WAIT" and not attack me when they see me. They're sort of learning.) After the door, it became easier. Turn on the water, look at my pitifully parched plants, squeeze the sprayer wand handle, and water one plant at a time. After that I spread some of the straw bales around. Hopefully the plants will look a darned sight better tomorrow. It's very apparent that I'm going to need more fresh straw bales since these weathered 2-yr.-old ones aren't "fluffy" enough to flake and spread easily. I'm ending up with big unruly chunks instead - so I may take the truck out for a run tomorrow, too, and pick up some more fresh ones, if possible. I'll use the old ones for the pups. They absolutely LOVE jumping and playing on them (read: training for Barn Hunt).

I didn't go to the vets office today. I sat up all night crying because of the lousy trick their office played with Butterbutt and her death. Same vet hospital. Same staff. So for my new dogs? Nah. I called them at 5am and broke the appointment. I'll look around for another vet that will allow us to stay in the exam room and not try to take our dogs "into the other room". In fact, I insist on it. My trust has been irrevocably broken by what they did and I'll have a hard time ever trusting another vet again. But they do need shots and to be chipped, so I'm going to make the appointment for when they're 6 months old, around late July or early August with a NEW vet.

And I need my shots, too. I'm going at 7:30am (first patient!) for my a1c and other tests. I am loath to do it, but my stupid doctor refuses to issue any more prescriptions until I do, not even for diabetes. (The NERVE of him!!!) But that's the system and he can do that if he wants to. I'm sort of curious what the results will be, too - but not enough to threaten me with not refilling my prescriptions. Isn't he supposed to be HEALTH CARE? Wow. I'm not a person that takes being strong armed lightly. What's with these doctors both for animals and human beings? Some God complex? Well, I, for one, don't intend to worship!! :P

Putting my soap box away. 7:30am comes early!

Honeybera
Last edited by Serenity on Fri Jul 02, 2021 11:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT for no triggering detail
honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Well crap! I lost a bunch of meandering prose that I so carefully wrote and now it's gone. But what does it matter? No one reads it anyway. I write because the isolation is getting to me! :shock:

6am here. I've been up all night (again), but I'll be out in the garden/dog's yard area for cleanup in the cool part of the day. I'm getting weary of putting it off due to the heat out there, and the heat isn't really even here yet, but will be in the middle of this week (104-108ºF. :oops: ), so I'd better get used to getting out there early in the morning. Today is yard cleanup, moving the old straw bales across the yard (and making a makeshift Barn Hunt obstacle course for them to play on during the day) and maybe do some MUCH needed planting and planning, too. We'll see how far I get. The more I do, the more I can do! :mrgreen: Today was mostly getting rid of the goat head plants, sitting there innocently with their lacy fern like greens and tiny yellow flowers, but I know what they become! Horrid spreading horrors with tentacles bristling with large sharp seeds that can puncture a bicycle tire!! And what they do to bare feet and/or soft little doggie paws! :roll: So it was ATTACK the dreaded goat heads today, and I got about half the yard done and will finish up tonight as it gets cooler after 7pm. I figured out how to do it: just slide my new extremely lightweight all aluminum shovel under the noticed weed just underneath it. They're not big on roots, so once I've got the shovel under there completely, just a quick shake loosens the dirt, I pluck it off with my handy-dandy picker upper, and into the trash it goes. Then I look for the next one. Piece of cake! I cleared the entire garden, but the dog's yard still needs some work. However, I've gotten it down to a science by now. :P

The pups are adorable, but are getting so big! The breeder said that they'll be about 12 lbs. for Boots and 15 lbs. for Mittens. I'd say that her prediction is on the lighter side. They're only 5 months old and are plenty big already! I let them out into the backyard to play from 7am precisely until around 9-10pm at night (unless they're barking or fence fighting, but they're mostly quiet and at play instead of yapping - thank God!). I also bring them into my room and let shaky, elderly Spot out to roam around in the early afternoon by herself without the explosive energy and endless play of the pups to contend with. It's becoming workable. The pups still fight and chase each other, but it's just for play and the play isn't as noisy as it once was. Mittens has finally learned to get into the empty wading pool and jump out again, but Daredevil Boots figured that out quickly, as she always does, the first time a treat was tossed into the empty pool. She has no fear (unless startled) and both love to find the treats in the straw bales out there. Perfect for Barn Hunt events! They can even win prizes and ribbons. I can hardly wait, but their shots and chips come first.

I've also downloaded an app on my phone to brush up on my Spanish. I took 3 semesters back in middle and high school, but hardly kept up due to a lack of interest. I also worked as a counter girl and driver at an ice cream truck business: '"¿Cuantos libros de hielo seco?" (How many pounds of dry ice?) :lol: And I lived in a barrio (Mexican ghetto) for about 25 yrs. and drove a transit bus for the same amount of time. All have enhanced my ability to speak Spanish, mostly Mexican street slang, but I'd like to really be able to speak Spanish well enough to converse easily and increase my vocabulary. And besides, studying a foreign language can help stave off the old dreaded Alzheimer's.

So that's where I am these days. The house is getting slowly clean. The back yard is shaping up (slowly). It's just all getting done, but I am still SO SO SO isolated!! Oh well. What else can I do?

Honeybera
honeybera
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Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I'm liking this Spanish course! It's challenging, it's like a game format, and knowing Spanish isn't a bad thing at all. It's saved me many times. I remember once when driving the bus an elderly Hispanic woman came up to me pointing wildly and grunting. After a few seconds of this, I asked her, "¿Donde vas, Señora?" ("Where are you going, Ma'am?"), but in too familiar terms and not proper, sort of a street Spanish shortcut, but all I knew from my neighborhood street slang. She was SO grateful (and amazed that I spoke her language), started speaking in Spanish to me, and letting me know which bus stop she wanted. I could see her relief and her dignity renewed, and it was satisfying to me, too.

After this? CHINESE! :shock: :? Talk about a real challenge! But I'd like to finish this Spanish course first. I'm beginning to see that "to finish" is in and of itself an important thing for me to concentrate on. I need to FINISH one thing and then KEEP it "finished". Even something as simple as my kitchen/bathroom floors. MD never EVER taught me anything!! In fact, she would make it a point NOT to teach me a darned thing!! And she'd always take the opportunity to make me feel small, stupid, and unworthy of any praise whatsoever! "LOOK OUT! AND GET OUT OF THE WAY! LET ME DO IT!! I CAN DO IT 10 TIMES BETTER AND 10 TIMES FASTER THAN YOU EVER COULD!!", as she pushed me aside and took over my task, whatever it was!

I never quite understood it then, but I TOTALLY understand her reasons/logic now! It goes like this: SHE felt like she was LESS THAN at a very basic level, so she had to work EXTRA hard to feel acceptable, even to herself (but it was an unreachable dream for her). EVERYTHING HAD TO BE PERFECT!! She dare not turn ANY chore over to an incompetent, like a CHILD, and besides, EVERYTHING (again) HAD TO BE PERFECT!!! The fact that imperfect me even existed drove her nuts. She viewed me not as her child to nurture and teach to grow, but rather as a burden, a thorn in her side, A PROBLEM. "So just sit over there and DON'T MESS ANYTHING UP!! I will do it! NOT YOU!" My God, she was so driven! And all by her own doing, her OWN demons. What a way to live. :roll:

But it also was no fun living with her! If I just sat still, if I just would go outside and play and not get dirty and look good to the neighbors and LEAVE HER ALONE, then a beating might not come...unless she had something else eating at her, something that I had nothing to do with. But I am me, a human being and NOT a dolly. And she angered me...a LOT! So I would go outside alright, usually in a brand new dress (not made for me, but for showing her as a "good and ideal mother"), a dress I'd had to be beaten for, made to stand still on a kitchen chair for freakin' HOURS while she pinned this or tucked that (I was anywhere from ages 1½-4), and slapped from time to time as it pleased her ("FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! STAND UP STRAIGHT!! <SLAP!>")...and I'd find me some nice dry dirt, pee in it, make that into mud, and smear it on that dress!! Yeah, I was ANGRY. She'd beaten me until she broke the blood vessels in her hands, so she'd then pick up whatever she could find (hair brush, wire coat hanger, anything else that was handy) and continue to beat me for as long as she was mad.

My question is now: WHY DO ALL THAT WORK MAKING THE DRESS, PUTTING IT ON A TODDLER, AND EXPECT THAT TODDLER TO NOT GET DIRTY??? That is SO DUMB!! Why not put on something that a little tiny girl could wear outside TO PLAY?? HANG UP THE NASTY DRESS IN THE CLOSET, for Pete's sake!! Put it on for a special occasion, but NOT as play clothes - and then get upset enough to beat a child when it gets dirty! That should have convinced her to NOT do that, to instead change me into play clothes, but no. Not MD.

But now I find myself needing to teach myself (with love) how to clean my own house. I bought this house, me, "an unmarried woman"! It says so on the papers I signed to do so. (I've always thought that wording odd and rather archaic.) MD is dead and gone. I used to be mad (when I thought she was punishing ME instead of scrambling to cover up her own failings), but now I am just sorry and sad for her. My DD used to call her "the Insane Woman". Yes, an apt description.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. - Albert Einstein
SMALL CHILD + FANCY CLOTHES + OUTDOOR PLAY = MESSY FANCY CLOTHES RUINED (PERIOD!)
SMALL CHILD + PLAY CLOTHES + OUTDOOR PLAY = HAPPY CHILD WITH A LOAD OF WASHABLE LAUNDRY

But now it's time to get busy and keep my home the way I want it to be. If I can learn Spanish, I can learn to keep my house nice, too. NOT PERFECT! But just nice and clean enough to be lived in happily.

The extreme heat is on here clear into next week (102-108ºF! :oops: ), so the inside jobs can be done then. (Sorting, cleaning, discarding stuff, assembling [with DS], rearranging, and so on.) And of course, watering every day, preferably in the early morning. This isn't a bad life, but it is an awfully lonely life. Awfully. The isolation is even getting to ME. But I'd better get out there now and get to watering. I'll save the last of the weeding of the dreaded goat heads until late this evening in the cooler temps. I know I will thank myself later when I don't have multitudes of those little buggers stuck INTO the entire bottoms of my garden clogs from just a quick walk though the garden area. ALL GONE FROM THERE as of yesterday! :mrgreen: Now to save those tiny precious paws of my pups over in the dog's yard, saving them from that mournful limp and confused look! :(

Honeybera
Last edited by Harmony on Thu Jul 15, 2021 4:15 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Reason: Edited from NT to MT due to some triggering content
coconuts
Member
Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Letting go

Post by coconuts »

Oh your doggies are doing so well it sounds. Dogs tend to bring a spark. Their boundless energy can be exhausting but fun to watch.
Goatheats :x those things were the bane of my existence when i lived in P. Ugh i swear. We were poor. But i had gotten a hand me down stroller and i pushed my two little ones around everywhere we went. Cause we only had one car and h took it to work. I pushed that stroller all sorts of places and goatheads were all over that town. Ugh they popped so many tires. I think i had to patch up the tires practically every time i got home. Unless it was really bad and i ended up struggling home with flat tires and 2 little kids. I hated those things. And to get it a foot was pure torture.
Im doing a language course but I'm thinking of quitting :lol: well i guess more switching. I started with my twins and they wanted to do something out there so they chose Indonesian. Its interesting but not supper useful. I sorta want to take Spanish. I also took years of Spanish in hs but my school was also like 90% Hispanic so learning some basics. I actually can understand a lot but sorta want something a tiny bit more formal. Oh and i just remembered the little girl will be in my class next year from Peru. Her english is amazing. She is brilliant. But her mother speaks very little english so it probably would be best. That's it i just sold myself on switching.
My mother insisted on perfection but insisted i do it to. She came along behind me checking everything i did for perfection. Like total perfection. I never lived up to her standards and ended up quite frequently ( numerous times daily) tallying up enough errors (which i must be doing on purpose just to annoy her) to warrant a formal "spanking". Sometimes she quite admitted that she was spanking me just because. I got one every day when i got home from school because i just have done something wrong.
Good luck with all your projects. You sure are a busy lady.
Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Hey coconuts! :mrgreen:
coconuts wrote: Sat Jul 10, 2021 4:38 pm Oh your doggies are doing so well it sounds. Dogs tend to bring a spark. Their boundless energy can be exhausting but fun to watch.
That's very true! Even Spot is energized by the pups. NOT TOGETHER, but separately, the pups will "play" with her, but she's a cranky old lady that can only take so much play before the crankiness comes roaring out! :lol: Even at her old age of 16 (she has made it past her July 1st birthday), and even though she's just skin and bones vs. VERY healthy, sleek, 6 month old pups that outweigh her, she can just flip them over and have her bared teeth on their throats, snarling and warning them, to which they cower, ears back in submission, and decide to leave the old girl alone. Good move! :lol: Gotta love ol' Spot. She's still got it.

But yes. They are very much fun to watch. And I haven't seen one rat since we've had them. NOT ONE! The rats ignored Spot, but not so with the pups. Everything (wisely!!) fears those pups! And they are MY DOGS! I had Boots out with me this morning in the garden and my neighbor next door, one of the nice ones, was out in her garden. Boots definitely took issue with that and began to bark at her wildly! I had to correct her to not do that, but I was impressed with her "guard dog" presentation, I must admit. Otherwise, the pups are less and less noisy...unless there's something to bark at. Then look out, Nellie! But good because I'd have it no other way. First vet appt. July 29th. This should be fun.
coconuts wrote: Sat Jul 10, 2021 4:38 pmGoat heads :x...And to get it in a foot was pure torture.
OMG, SO TRUE! And that's the reason that their eradication was at the top of my "garden priority list". Now all but a small portion, maybe a 3'x3' square is DONE! I would've done it today, but today is expected to be 110ºF out there :oops: , so it can wait until Tuesday when it "cools" to merely 100ºF. Believe me, it makes a HUGE difference! No, today I planted what I had planned INSIDE the house yesterday, selecting what would be planted, filling out the little "name stakes", figuring out what would go where. Then this morning I actually did it. SO (drum roll please): PORCH PICK (bush green beans), BUSH ITALIAN BEANS, CROOKNECK (yellow) SQUASH, and finally FORDHOOK ZUCCHINI. All are planted out there. I've even planted my SunGold in a nice big 30 gallon pot with a 7' tall support cage around it. We'll see how it does. I'm asking a lot out of it for all the neglect that I gave it. I SWORE that I'd not do it this late in the year, but I did. HOWEVER, now it's planted. What was it that they used to say: Progress, not perfection?

I just ate two of my Donut peaches at my bathroom sink just now. OMG!! SO SWEET!! I can taste "sweet" a lot more since I don't eat sugar. Veggies used to taste bland to me, actually awful, and fruits were even worse, but now I can TASTE the sweetness of a carrot or tomato, a VERY pronounced sweetness! I ♥love♥ how my strawberries taste. It's a whole new world of tastiness. :mrgreen:

=======================

Dammit. I'm not trying to be despondent. They're still working DS 6 or 7 days a week for 10-12 hr. shifts! Now he's getting irritated with me...and his boss. He tells me how he hates working this much, but he just won't turn down the work whenever he's called, which is every darned day!! And worse, I'm expected to be maid service! Who should I go to for this? Who can I speak with? I am past being tired. There is SO much to do, but I am the ONLY ONE expected to do it...AND I am expected to do it alone. With no assistance from DS! Why not?? We both live here. I need him to help me...no. I need him to simply help. Partner up on several jobs around here.

This is his stupid boss's fault! His boss is the husband of DS's case worker at our Regional Center. My DS is also a high functioning autistic, but he is a very good security guard. So his boss should understand. DS hired on as PART TIME and still wants to do so! But this boss is running DS into the ground, and ME with him!! We have spoken with him MANY times re: this. PART TIME!!! But still he calls and calls, and DS goes and works. Tomorrow he has DS working OUTSIDE in 109ºF heat from 6am-6pm, right in the heat of the day! Well, I've had it! I'm calling his case worker DIRECTLY on Monday and telling her what's what! Maybe SHE can get through to that lame and deaf husband of hers!!! All our efforts aren't working. I have personally spoken with him TWICE before, and as DS says, it's in one ear and out the other. PART TIME MEANS 2-3 DAYS A WEEK! Oh, and he hasn't even paid DS for a month until last night, and then he didn't even pay him ALL that he owes him!

So I end up with a cranky DS who doesn't want to lift a finger around here. And I'm doing my best to stay cheerful and productive, but it's not easy. (Good God, even my birds are panting today and my pups have retreated into their a/c pen! Smart dogs!) :oops:

======================

So glad that I have this option (isurvive.org) open to me!!!!! After I wrote this above, I called a counseling line, too, and spoke with a person there. It really helped!! After I had finished speaking with her, I spoke with DS and told him that he could/should cover his own job and his boss, but I would be there to listen to him if he needed to vent. He agreed. I may seek some f2f counseling, too. Then I organized which seeds I'll be sowing tomorrow, wrote their names on the little name stakes, and then went out and watered one more time after the fiery hot day we had today. At dusk the hand tools that had been left out were still very warm and the water in the hose was HOT and had to be wasted (sadly) before the cool water came for watering.

So all is well again, but I need to sleep now so I can beat the heat in the morning and plant a very standard zucchini (Black Beauty), one scallop squash (yellow) and another scallop squash (white) plus (FINALLY!!) my Smooth Criminal squash (which is like a yellow zucchini...sort of). It has no "spines" to poke while picking and it grows upwards, making picking even easier.
Smooth Criminal Hybrid Summer Squash Seed ... This squash plant will steal your heart with its easy-pick plant habit and flavorful, tender fruit!
I can't wait to try it! But for now, off to bed or my prized squash will never get planted! L♥ve me some squashes!!!

Honeybera
Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's ALL small stuff!
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