Letting go

[coconuts]

It's so sad for you and your mother that she could never learn to love you. In fighting against you she lost so much. You lost so much. Its amazingly sad to think that if she had loved and accepted you both of your lives could have turned out better.

Glad you are taking time to reflect on thought patterns a recognize reactions and habits. It's a difficult thing to do.

Coconuts

[honeybera]

Hi Coconuts!

It's so sad for you and your mother that she could never learn to love you. In fighting against you she lost so much. You lost so much. Its amazingly sad to think that if she had loved and accepted you both of your lives could have turned out better.

I couldn't agree more! What a shame it was. And I was such a cute little kid, performing for anyone who'd watch, reciting poems or dancing or singing. She would've been better off to just love me. I would've been better off, too. She's always been like this, though, and still is to this day. She holds so much of my own history and I'd love to reminisce with her, but she's still meaner than a junk yard dog, unapproachable, just waiting to pounce. I can't risk it.

I'm so glad that I found Dr. Les Carter (online: you tube videos re: narcissism). He really has her pegged, and he offers suggestions and coping methods when dealing with someone like her. It really helps! I can understand her WHY, but it still messed up my little Inner Child. Sadly. She has insurmountable shame and self loathing, which when dealing with someone like me (back then outgoing and cute) is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Her anger would flare if I was being cute or happy or anything positive and she'd physically, mentally, and/or emotionally attack me. I learned to try to be quiet to avoid her outbursts, but sometimes it just didn't matter. At the time, I thought it was me "being bad" or that her cruelty was somehow my fault, even though I couldn't figure out WHY she was blowing up at me, but now I can see that it was her fault, her own negative inner workings, and that it had little to NOTHING to do with me or my behavior. Too bad that little children can't properly psychoanalyze another person at that age.

Glad you are taking time to reflect on thought patterns a recognize reactions and habits. It's a difficult thing to do.

Yes, but a very necessary one. It is for me at least. Dr. Les says that the difference between me and MD is that she cannot for the life of her admit that there's ever been anything wrong, but I can say, "I'm healing." Huge difference.

TODAY I cut up boxes in the living room and readied 10 of my SmartPots for planting in the morning. NOT "tomorrow" I WILL cut up boxes or ready those pots. I did it TODAY. BIG improvement!! I also began to make a SECOND Keto cream pie (DS ate most of the first one. I have to admit: it was really good!) OH! It's midnight already! I have to get to bed right away so I can get my gardening done EARLY and miss the heat of midday.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Doing some therapy today...and not Dr. Les Carter this time. No, I'm watching the animated movie Shrek. I saw this with my son in the theater when I was still working. It came out in the year when I was waiting for this home to be built. I was living in a studio apt. with my adult daughter and eventually with my the-14 yr. old son. It got to be super cramped. All my belongings were in storage. Wow. It was a time for real upheaval for a person who ABSOLUTELY HATES upheaval and/or change of any kind.

So DS and I went to the show (which is really unusual for me) and we began to watch the movie. I didn't know what it was about at all. It was really funny at first, but when the princess begins to turn into an ogre and feels horrible shame, I felt sorry for her. Then came the part where she turns into an ogre and Donkey finds her, and she tells him that she considers herself "UGLY" and unacceptable, and I began to cry. I tried not to. I really did! Here I sat in a movie theater in front of everybody bawling my eyes out! But these tears were from DEEP inside me and I just couldn't stop them. I tried to not make any noise or draw any attention to myself, but I was SOBBING!! I remember that I kept turning my head and looking down so no one could see my face twisted into tears. It was humiliating. But the feelings that the movie addressed really hit a nerve with me.

I finally stopped and watched the movie some more. During the rest of movie I was sort of okay, right up until the spell is broken, she stays the same (an ogre), and a disappointed Fiona says to Shrek, "But I thought I would be beautiful." and he says to her, "But you are beautiful!" I burst into tears again. It was supposed to be a happy moment in the film, but it just broke my heart. It shattered me. It was unconditional love and complete acceptance. I still long for that kind of love if it even exists.

I finished watching Shrek just now. I'm really glad that I did, that I saw it was on cable, and I downloaded it on my TV, and re-watched it. I'm not going to blow it away just yet either. I believe I need to study it some more. A "friend" of mine (decades ago!) once told me that I was "in love with love". I wonder if that's true or even what it means. I know that I'm quite lonely behind my wall here. I'm still not "ugly", but when I was younger and prettier, I was told how horribly ugly I was, even though I wasn't! I wonder if there's anyone who would or could appreciate me, just as I am. Even a friend like Donkey would be nice. But I guess I can start with befriending me.

Self acceptance. What a concept!

Honeybera

PS - I've just looked up the term "in love with love" on Google. HA! It reads more like MD's philosophy than mine, BUT I can see how as a child and young adult I was influenced by that way of thinking. More pondering is needed. God bless Google and the information highway!!

[coconuts]

I think we all want to be loved. And especially when life has thrown so much at us and best us down.

I always was told how ugly I was. I never walked right, I remember being told I walked like a man, I was too fat ( not true), I was too stupid ( also not true) my skin was always dry and wrinkly ( very much true) and a burden for my parents to care for.

Today I looked at my daughter and how stunningly beautiful she is. She really is gorgeous. She is only 10 but i can see so much beauty. Her wild hair that we work so hard to tame but is so full of character and her beautiful bronze skin and her deep brown eyes. And I remembered. She is so identical to me. She looks just like I did in my pictures. The ones I always looked at and thought how ugly and shameful I was. But I look at her and see how amazingly beautiful she is. Not that it's all about looks but I just always had that deep belief in what an error I was. But I look at this beautiful girl. She is so much like me. And I see nothing erroneous in her. I just see beauty and possibility. Intelligence and talent. Everything I wish someone could have seen in me.

But then I remember that there is growth in my experiences. That i see the world differently. I have more empathy than most. I'm not sure if that's nature or just something I became because of the terrible things I went thru. Probably a combination of both. Somehow I find pride in all that I have fought for. Every victory in my life has been battled for. I have fought hard for every success. Overcome challenges that most could never imagine. Sure I would have preferred to never understand trauma and pain. But I cant discount the growth in my life that comes from that.

Sorry that you had to fight for your confidence to be you. Glad you have seen growth. Strength in the journey.

Coconuts

[honeybera]

Hey Coconuts!

When I read your post, I literally shouted out loud, "OMG!!!!" I thought that MD was the WORST, that I was the only one who has suffered so, especially emotionally, mentally, and physically, but you obviously had a very similar childhood, right down to the slurs and damning mistreatment!! You also seem to have come out of the cloud of shame and confusion that that kind of constant berating creates. GOOD ON YOU!!! I mean that!! And what a blessing for your daughter to have a positive and supportive Mom like you!!

I always was told how ugly I was. I never walked right, I remember being told I walked like a man, I was too fat ( not true), I was too stupid ( also not true) my skin was always dry and wrinkly ( very much true) and a burden for my parents to care for.

OMG! It's nearly verbatim!! To quote MD: "YOU WALK LIKE A FOOTBALL PLAYER!!" "You're FAT! You're going to take acrobats and dance to work it off!" "You're FAT, DUMB, AND STUPID!" (Aren't the two last barbs interchangeable?? ) "YOU'RE UGLY!! Why can't you be pretty like ME?" (Oh puh-leez!! She did that to me periodically from my first memories until I left home at 18 and even later into adulthood.)

I want to deeply thank you for sending me your post. I really needed to hear it and to hear it from you. Thanks! {{{{{♥♥coconuts♥♥}}}}}

Honeybera

[coconuts]

I remind myself these people were deeply injured themselves. Their words mean nothing to me. Well they shouldnt anyways. I do refuse to hand them down. And i try and focus on the moments of clarity when i can see thru their lies. Seems as if youve done much of this yourself as well.

Hope plants are going well and the heat is being kind to them.
Coconuts

[dancingfish]

Hey honeybera, sounds like you've been making some important connections between what happened and what was simply not true. You are a beautiful soul, and certainly deserved so much care and unconditional love. :) It's sad when we realise what's kind of missing inside us - but I think we can learn to rebuild, with time and as you put it, self-acceptance.

Hm I don't think you were at all "in love with love", and I always thought that was a bit of a glib sentence for people who liked daydreaming about romance, if anything. :D To be wanting love is a perfectly healthy, normal response I think. Perhaps particularly so when you've missed out on a whole bundle of love and care that you deserved and should have had as a child, but it wasn't always so. Certainly never at all from your MD, which is sad.

Well, I hope your garden continues to thrive under your careful tending and wise eye. :) (You know so much, you know! I haven't a clue about types of fertiliser and soil additives for plants, I'm barely managing to keep water on my few and stop the critters eating them all... :D) Take care dear honeybera, and keep cool out there! :)

[honeybera]

Hey coconuts and dancingfish!

I think I upset the powers that be. Sorry about that. My big long post to answer your posts got erased. I was getting off the subject anyway. But it felt good to write it out. Those kinds of posts I usually take with me and post it to my computer instead so I can read it later to myself, but whoever did it, more power to them. I need some time to regroup though. Sometimes my feelings get hurt.

Honeybera

[Jonesy]

Hi honeybera

Sorry to hear that a post you wrote went missing. Please know that it was not erased by any of our team - sometimes glitches happen.
Take good care of you and be gentle with yourself

[honeybera]

Thanks Jonesy. You are always kind to me. And thanks because this is my only (and I mean ONLY) form of socialization and human connection due to COVID-19 available to me ATM. I can occasionally call my cousin R, but that's about it. He is kind, too, but he has his own life (truly adorable grandkids, a relatively new wife, all their blended family, boating/camping outings with the family that I'm told of after the fact, but never invited to). DB NEVER EVER EVER calls me. So I am very much alone, except for DS and even he's been gone for the entire 4th of July weekend (F-today and then again tomorrow) to sites 100-200 miles away and 12 hour shifts when he gets there, coming home only to sleep, eat, and shower. I haven't laid eyes on him in 3 days. I hear him leave via the RING doorbell. I'm back to being a night owl and staying up until dawn and then sleeping all day. When this connection is broken here at isurvive, it creates at minimum a panicky feeling, I can assure you.

I'm doing my best to keep up good cheer, but it's difficult. I've watched so much negative TV news that I've begun to alternate that with old Dr. Phil reruns and murder mysteries and lots of movies when I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. I'm also fighting my old nemesis: CLINICAL DEPRESSION.

So it was very, very satisfying to hear you say that it was just a glitch and not merely another rejection. I'll take that to the bank. I don't know if I could handle any more rejection or even more bad news ATM.
♥Love to you all!♥
Honeybera