Here I am back in my cycle of depression. I just feel so weak to constantly find myself in the same place. I feel like no one understands me. I can't seem to keep anyone around and since I've been betrayed so many times I don't know how to open up to someone so the cycle just continues.
I've been divorced twice. They both cheated on me then shortly after the second divorce I was laid off. I just can't seem to believe in myself anymore. I've dated since my divorce but I can't connect with anyone anymore. I feel like if they really knew me they would be disgusted by me. What my dad did was sick and I know it wasn't my fault but it still happened and it affects me. My depression spells and how certain things freak me out all stem from him, but how do I explain that to someone? Before I even get to that stage of my relationship where I feel like I completely trust them they leave because they think I have so much baggage from my divorce. All of this just makes me hate myself even more and as lonely as I am and as painful as it is to be lonely it feels like that pain is better than trusting someone again or risk being hurt by them.
I've told people before but I'll never forget the look of shock and disgust on their face and it's never the same and they all leave because they don't know how to deal with it. The thing is I'm not asking them to deal with it, I just want someone to understand me. That I'm not weird. I don't like being depressed. I don't like feeling scared and vulnerable all the time. I want to be happy and not have a cynical outlook, but it's a process for me. Now I just fake it so people don't freak out and run the other way and in a weird way that makes me feel even lonelier.
Sorry I went on and on. I just didn't know where else to go and really needed to get this out and hopefully someone will understand how I feel.
Thank you for listening.
How do you tell someone? **Trigger SA**
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei
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Emi
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dreamykitten
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Re: How do you tell someone? **Trigger SA**
I think you have to take it in stages. I think you have to develop the right level of emotional intimacy with the other person first before you tell them. When my husband told me about his abuse, I already knew I loved him, so it was just one more thing about him. And I think he already loved me before he knew it. We also became friends when the relationship with my abusive ex was ending, so he already knew that "victim of abuse" side of me somewhat.
On the other hand, if someone started telling me all sorts of sordid stuff about their past when I barely knew them, I would probably be freaked out and worry about what kind of trouble I would be getting myself into by taking the relationship further. I don't know the person well enough to be sure they aren't going to become abusive themselves.
So basically, work on developing the relationship and the telling will come naturally.
On the other hand, if someone started telling me all sorts of sordid stuff about their past when I barely knew them, I would probably be freaked out and worry about what kind of trouble I would be getting myself into by taking the relationship further. I don't know the person well enough to be sure they aren't going to become abusive themselves.
So basically, work on developing the relationship and the telling will come naturally.
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lonelylife
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Re: How do you tell someone? **Trigger SA**
Hi emi and welcome back,
I hear and understand what you are saying as well. I think also we can inadvertently sometimes draw people to us who can have undesirable traits until we learn more about what to be on the lookout for through our own healing, because of whatever things in our abuse that are still possibly making us less likely to alert to some warning signs. Sometimes (but not always), the kind of guys who cheat for example can send warning signs that might not be as noticeable. With having had 2 cheaters, it could make sense to examine if there is a "type" or a common way about both of these guys, to isolate on whether there is something you could avoid, a trait or an attitude about them in the future. For sure it is not about you, it is about the kinds of principles that these guys have chosen to have. Someone who cheats on one girl will do the same on others, typically, because of who that guy is.
In terms of telling, unfortunately our abuse gives us a burden of having an "extra Layer" for people to have to understand but the good news is, once you find a guy that you've built a trust with and who is worthy of being told (as dreamyk was also mentioning), if he's not the kind of guy who can genuinely understand, you probably aren't going to want him anyway, because something is going to be absent in his levels of compassion towards you and towards people who have been injured through abuse in general. Even if I'd never been abused, I'd want a humane guy, and even moreso because I, as someone who's been abused, understand too well what abuse is like. So it can serve to weed out the ones who aren't going to get anything. And even if a guy doesn't outright get it, he shouldn't be someone who hinders you in your efforts at healing.
I hear and understand what you are saying as well. I think also we can inadvertently sometimes draw people to us who can have undesirable traits until we learn more about what to be on the lookout for through our own healing, because of whatever things in our abuse that are still possibly making us less likely to alert to some warning signs. Sometimes (but not always), the kind of guys who cheat for example can send warning signs that might not be as noticeable. With having had 2 cheaters, it could make sense to examine if there is a "type" or a common way about both of these guys, to isolate on whether there is something you could avoid, a trait or an attitude about them in the future. For sure it is not about you, it is about the kinds of principles that these guys have chosen to have. Someone who cheats on one girl will do the same on others, typically, because of who that guy is.
In terms of telling, unfortunately our abuse gives us a burden of having an "extra Layer" for people to have to understand but the good news is, once you find a guy that you've built a trust with and who is worthy of being told (as dreamyk was also mentioning), if he's not the kind of guy who can genuinely understand, you probably aren't going to want him anyway, because something is going to be absent in his levels of compassion towards you and towards people who have been injured through abuse in general. Even if I'd never been abused, I'd want a humane guy, and even moreso because I, as someone who's been abused, understand too well what abuse is like. So it can serve to weed out the ones who aren't going to get anything. And even if a guy doesn't outright get it, he shouldn't be someone who hinders you in your efforts at healing.
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sparrow130
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Re: How do you tell someone? **Trigger SA**
Hi Emi,
Don't think I've met you yet, but I feel for you in your depression. It's a frightening place to be where nothing looks promising or hopeful. I like the advice that dreamykitten and lonelylife gave here. I am divorced now too and my adult children are beginning to leave home and I've had times of panic (fearing future/unknown/abandonement), and depression where I can't seem to get myself moving to do anything positive (walk/work/self-care). The thought of having to start life over, finding someone new, my fear of intimacy but also the desire for it are there. I don't want to be alone. I want to find someone to love and loves me and that I can trust again. I also know though, that I am not ready for that yet (even at 50). I guess the goal I should have for myself right now is to greive the abuse I have gone through, learn how to take care of myself and my inner child, learn how to have safe relationships and good boundaries (not giving away all of myself to easy to the wrong person). I guess I have a lot of work to do and for now, that has to be my focus. I like isurvive community, because there is so much good advice and support here. You are not alone. Hang in there and take care of you...let that be your focus for the present and try to not let the future overwhelm you.
I say this to me as I am saying it to you.
(((emi))) If that's ok....I know we just met
sparrow
Don't think I've met you yet, but I feel for you in your depression. It's a frightening place to be where nothing looks promising or hopeful. I like the advice that dreamykitten and lonelylife gave here. I am divorced now too and my adult children are beginning to leave home and I've had times of panic (fearing future/unknown/abandonement), and depression where I can't seem to get myself moving to do anything positive (walk/work/self-care). The thought of having to start life over, finding someone new, my fear of intimacy but also the desire for it are there. I don't want to be alone. I want to find someone to love and loves me and that I can trust again. I also know though, that I am not ready for that yet (even at 50). I guess the goal I should have for myself right now is to greive the abuse I have gone through, learn how to take care of myself and my inner child, learn how to have safe relationships and good boundaries (not giving away all of myself to easy to the wrong person). I guess I have a lot of work to do and for now, that has to be my focus. I like isurvive community, because there is so much good advice and support here. You are not alone. Hang in there and take care of you...let that be your focus for the present and try to not let the future overwhelm you.
I say this to me as I am saying it to you. (((emi))) If that's ok....I know we just met
sparrow
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Emi
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Re: How do you tell someone? **Trigger SA**
Thank you so much dreamykitten, lonelylife, and sparrow for all of your support and advice. I do need to work on myself. I thought all of what I'm feeling would just go away if I concentrated on other things (things not so beneficial to myself), like agonizing and analyzing why my ex's don't want to be with me and trying to find all the things wrong with me. I hope one day I will be able to find someone that really means it when they say they love me. I guess it should've been my first sign that I wasn't able to tell either one of my ex husbands about the abuse.
There were signs but that's where the loneliness comes in and I know that I chose to close my eyes to their faults than face being alone. Sparrow what you said "not giving myself all to the wrong person" it was like I was hearing myself. I've done that too often. Like you said I also think that this time I should really try to work on myself. It's just the depression and the loneliness that wins sometimes and I end up distracting myself from my healing with bad decisions again. If I had family around I think I wouldn't feel so lonely but dealing with not having family around, 2 divorces and being laid off can be overwhelming sometimes.
I hope I make sense and not babbling.. I'm just feeling so many conflicting feelings right now but knowing that there are people out there like you guys that understand helps me so much. Thank you for the ((()))'s Sparrow. (((Sparrow)))
Thank you
There were signs but that's where the loneliness comes in and I know that I chose to close my eyes to their faults than face being alone. Sparrow what you said "not giving myself all to the wrong person" it was like I was hearing myself. I've done that too often. Like you said I also think that this time I should really try to work on myself. It's just the depression and the loneliness that wins sometimes and I end up distracting myself from my healing with bad decisions again. If I had family around I think I wouldn't feel so lonely but dealing with not having family around, 2 divorces and being laid off can be overwhelming sometimes.
I hope I make sense and not babbling.. I'm just feeling so many conflicting feelings right now but knowing that there are people out there like you guys that understand helps me so much. Thank you for the ((()))'s Sparrow. (((Sparrow)))
Thank you
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dreamykitten
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Re: How do you tell someone? **Trigger SA**
Something I was thinking is that if you learn about relationships though experience, and if you grew up in a normal family, your relationships with your parents and siblings were a training ground for future relationships.
So by the time you are ready for a marriage-type relatonship, you have already had the training in how to maintain a good relationship. You also never hd to deal with those ambiguous feelings of being frightened of and angry at someone who is supposed to love you. You never had to rationalize being abused. If you've had a positive, non-abuseive childhood, you can be secure in knowing that you won't choose to be with someone who hurt you and you will be able to maintain a healthy relationship.
For we survivors, though, our relationships are our training ground. We learn how to have relationships by living through our mistakes. We pick the wrong people, react the wrong ways and put up with things we shouldn't put up with because we don't know better. We are learning.
I have had failed relationships. However, my relationships have gotten better and better as I learned more and more about how to be in a relationship, just from looking at my mistakes.
It took me until I was 39 to marry someone who was perfect for me. Maybe if I had not grown up in abusive home I could have found the right person much earlier. (I'm not complaining; I am very happy with my marriage now.)
So you shouldn't feel bad if you make mistakes in your relationships or if you pick the wrong people to be in relationships with. Nobody taught you how to do it right.
So by the time you are ready for a marriage-type relatonship, you have already had the training in how to maintain a good relationship. You also never hd to deal with those ambiguous feelings of being frightened of and angry at someone who is supposed to love you. You never had to rationalize being abused. If you've had a positive, non-abuseive childhood, you can be secure in knowing that you won't choose to be with someone who hurt you and you will be able to maintain a healthy relationship.
For we survivors, though, our relationships are our training ground. We learn how to have relationships by living through our mistakes. We pick the wrong people, react the wrong ways and put up with things we shouldn't put up with because we don't know better. We are learning.
I have had failed relationships. However, my relationships have gotten better and better as I learned more and more about how to be in a relationship, just from looking at my mistakes.
It took me until I was 39 to marry someone who was perfect for me. Maybe if I had not grown up in abusive home I could have found the right person much earlier. (I'm not complaining; I am very happy with my marriage now.)
So you shouldn't feel bad if you make mistakes in your relationships or if you pick the wrong people to be in relationships with. Nobody taught you how to do it right.
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Emi
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Re: How do you tell someone? **Trigger SA**
Thank you dreamykitten. I couldn't have said it better myself. I wasn't give the tools to have a healthy relationship. I've been taught all the qualities of a bad one. I feel that I've been taught to endure very well but that is it. I was not taught about boundaries and what I should not accept from people. That has been a constant experience in my life. I endure and endure as if I think I don't deserve better. I need to change and I need to keep at it because I thought I was doing so well and now I'm back to where I started.
What I have the most hard time with is not internalizing it. Like feeling like I'm a horrible and disgusting person that doesn't deserve better because my past experiences have proven just that (or so it seems). I'm just tired of being hurt and tired of being tired.
What I have the most hard time with is not internalizing it. Like feeling like I'm a horrible and disgusting person that doesn't deserve better because my past experiences have proven just that (or so it seems). I'm just tired of being hurt and tired of being tired.
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dreamykitten
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Re: How do you tell someone? **Trigger SA**
Hi emi. I am sorry I took so long to reply.
That is very insightful what you said - that we have been taught to "endure" relationships.
It is so true.
We have not been taught how to enjoy relationships or how to be happy with other people.
I stayed in a bad relationship for 17 years; it took me a long time for me to realize that I shouldn't be in lt. A big reason was that it was a huge improvement over living with my FOO and over all my previous romantic relationships at the time. I
didn't judge relationships by how good they were; I judged them my how not bad they were.
I actually think you are lucky if you are in a bad relationship and the other person leaves you. I know it sounds strange to say that you are lucky when someone leaves you. But at least the other person had the strength to know when the relationship is unhealthy and needs to end so you can both escape it. I wasn't that lucky with my ex. I was the one who had to recognize that the relationship was unhealthy, and I did not have the tools to do that for a very long time.
I also think that sometimes it isn't right when people are rewarded for staying in relationships for a long time - like when you tell someone you've been married 10,20,30 years and people congratulate you without knowing anything about the relationship. You may have been miserable for 30 years, or making your spouse or partner miserable. A relationship isn't something you are supposed to "endure", like climbing a mountain or running a marathon, where at the end you get an award for being strong and tolerating hardship. A relationship should be something that makes you happy, like eating your favourite food or listening to your favourite music. Nobody gives you a reward for doing that because doing it is itself the reward.
Take care.
dreamykitten
That is very insightful what you said - that we have been taught to "endure" relationships.
It is so true.
We have not been taught how to enjoy relationships or how to be happy with other people.
I stayed in a bad relationship for 17 years; it took me a long time for me to realize that I shouldn't be in lt. A big reason was that it was a huge improvement over living with my FOO and over all my previous romantic relationships at the time. I
didn't judge relationships by how good they were; I judged them my how not bad they were.
I actually think you are lucky if you are in a bad relationship and the other person leaves you. I know it sounds strange to say that you are lucky when someone leaves you. But at least the other person had the strength to know when the relationship is unhealthy and needs to end so you can both escape it. I wasn't that lucky with my ex. I was the one who had to recognize that the relationship was unhealthy, and I did not have the tools to do that for a very long time.
I also think that sometimes it isn't right when people are rewarded for staying in relationships for a long time - like when you tell someone you've been married 10,20,30 years and people congratulate you without knowing anything about the relationship. You may have been miserable for 30 years, or making your spouse or partner miserable. A relationship isn't something you are supposed to "endure", like climbing a mountain or running a marathon, where at the end you get an award for being strong and tolerating hardship. A relationship should be something that makes you happy, like eating your favourite food or listening to your favourite music. Nobody gives you a reward for doing that because doing it is itself the reward.
Take care.
dreamykitten