Hi Learning, Aw, Sheep, and others
I am sorry your mothers treated you that way. I think it is harder when they disappear at an older age but I am sorry they treated you this way. You did not deserve that.
You were parentified, given responsibilities you did not deserve. I once was acquainted with a family that was like that and the mom and stepdad only cared aobut the kids' obedience and abusing drugs. My parents did not let things deteriorate as badly, but it is still ahrd when the person you know and care about slips away due to chronic pain and drugs.
I sometimes wonder if all of our mothers suffered from depression or mental illness.
Hugs if ok,
SL
What did she do all day? *** Triggers mild profanity *****
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Re: What did she do all day? *** Triggers mild profanity **
silentlistener,
I discovered years after my mother's back surgery, that she had been put on Lexapro for depression. She had major back surgery when I was 23 yrs. old the day after my daughter was born. She got a terrible infection and had to be opened back up to drain the infection. She was hospitalized for about a month and was able to come home on Christmas Day. I'm not sure why she wanted me to read her medical records nor allowed me to discover her depression years later.
Sheep
I discovered years after my mother's back surgery, that she had been put on Lexapro for depression. She had major back surgery when I was 23 yrs. old the day after my daughter was born. She got a terrible infection and had to be opened back up to drain the infection. She was hospitalized for about a month and was able to come home on Christmas Day. I'm not sure why she wanted me to read her medical records nor allowed me to discover her depression years later.
Sheep
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Re: What did she do all day? *** Triggers mild profanity **
O Learning,
This is so heavy for me to read. Wow... gosh I relate. I think you are right your mother was totally disconnected, totally. She has made a vile and cruel life for herself. That is the truth learning, and it is also very true that she was vile and cruel to you. That she hurt you despicably and deeply and unnecessarily.
I am bowled over by what you survived my friend. It makes me so sad to hear it. I wish you had 'learning' as a mother.
I hope you will always remember Learning, that not only your children need the things you so lovingly give, but you too. Little learning too. I want there to be someone around for you to give you a break, to put you first. Especially after all you have been through. I know you have a very rich and well cared for family life. But I also know how demanding being a mother and the carer for the family can be. In older human cultures that task would be handled by many people.
Yet I know you can achieve so much and that you are indeed a wonderful mother. I am so proud of you.
Thank you so much for sharing this revelation.
You are through and through a lovable and utterly talented person with much inner wealth. You deserve to be and feel cherished my wonderful friend.
Love,
EH
This is so heavy for me to read. Wow... gosh I relate. I think you are right your mother was totally disconnected, totally. She has made a vile and cruel life for herself. That is the truth learning, and it is also very true that she was vile and cruel to you. That she hurt you despicably and deeply and unnecessarily.
I am bowled over by what you survived my friend. It makes me so sad to hear it. I wish you had 'learning' as a mother.
I hope you will always remember Learning, that not only your children need the things you so lovingly give, but you too. Little learning too. I want there to be someone around for you to give you a break, to put you first. Especially after all you have been through. I know you have a very rich and well cared for family life. But I also know how demanding being a mother and the carer for the family can be. In older human cultures that task would be handled by many people.
Yet I know you can achieve so much and that you are indeed a wonderful mother. I am so proud of you.
Thank you so much for sharing this revelation.
You are through and through a lovable and utterly talented person with much inner wealth. You deserve to be and feel cherished my wonderful friend.
Love,
EH
"One kind word can warm three winter months"
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Re: What did she do all day? *** Triggers mild profanity **
I am worried that by responding, I am inappropriately making this "about me". Call me on it if you think that.
I just returned to full time teaching after being home for 6 years with my kids (I taught very part time during those years). Recently, I started requiring my kids, ages 6 and 7, to fold and put away their own clothes after I have washed and sorted them. They also "straighten up" their own room and pick up their toys in the living room periodically. Is that too much? I don't really think so, but I was struck with a sense of, "oh my god, what if I am doing to them what Learning's mother did to her?"
Thanks for indulging my question!
Rebecca
I just returned to full time teaching after being home for 6 years with my kids (I taught very part time during those years). Recently, I started requiring my kids, ages 6 and 7, to fold and put away their own clothes after I have washed and sorted them. They also "straighten up" their own room and pick up their toys in the living room periodically. Is that too much? I don't really think so, but I was struck with a sense of, "oh my god, what if I am doing to them what Learning's mother did to her?"
Thanks for indulging my question!
Rebecca
Re: What did she do all day? *** Triggers mild profanity **
rebecca, ***Triggers for neglect, PA, EA, VA and MA***
The fact that you ask that question means you are a wonderful mother. Honestly, my mom didnt care if I felt like I was doing too much or not. These duties were not chores as they came with the high price of feeling fear and paranoia all the time due to the severe child abuse (PA, SA, EA and MA) and neglect also associated with this.
So, in answer - you are a good mom for making them fold their laundry and tidy their living quarters. (((rebecca)))
Just to reassure you I will tell you about my young life....My "chores" starting at 10 years old and 55 pounds was to weedeat an acre and rototiller a tobacco field of 2 acres on a mountainside while my sister used a rope to hold it up so we wouldn't roll down with the 300 pound machine. I mowed, hung the tobacco, worked with the animals, weeded gardens and fields and moved stones to our driveway for traction. I also had my indoor work which seemed like a picnic after the farm work. We considered it our time off to dust, do laundry, wash dishes and sweep and vaccum. At night we were free to put on dresses and go to church which in the mountains lasted until 11 pm in which I would come home and go to bed because I had school the next morning. My dad was a minister so we were in church usually every night as he found revivals for us to attend if he was not hosting them himself.
This was everyday until winter and then my main job was to shovel snow and clean the house from top to bottom and wash all the clothes and then go to a bedroom with no heat with ice on the walls where I would shiver myself to sleep everynight because the woodstove was only supposed to heat the living room and their room. We were not allowed to sleep in the living room because my mother would stay up all night watching tv and eating chocolate bars that we never got close to. Then we would get up by ourselves in the morning and walk to the bus stop about a mile away. School was awesome because they fed me free breakfast and lunch and I was warm, though I was teased for wearing clothes that were too big for me (always smaller by far than my cousins and sister) and I was smelly and had oily hair because my mom didnt want to waste water so we had a bath on Saturday nights for church on Sunday. Imagine after working in fields all day...yuck.
If we didn't do everything we were supposed to she would start by screaming in our face for over an hour about how ungrateful and stupid we were and then slapping us when she got really mad with her tongue lolling out of her mouth like a rabid dog. Then she would backhand one of us and if the others went to help they were also punched and kicked. She would then act as if nothing happened and we were the bane of her existence telling us she wished we had never been born because we ruined her life. Five minutes alter she would try to hug us and love us and then when we flinched would beat us again for not trusting her and receiving her affection.
I remember feeling my stomach hurt all the time cause when we got home there was no food because she and my dad would go to eat out and we were left with my older brother who ate all the white bread and cereal and left us nothing. He was abusive too so being the smallest I got nothing. Well, this is sufficient for you to know that your children are blessed and loved. In closing.....
I would have loved to have had you for a mom. You are doing a great job.
AbuseWarrior
The fact that you ask that question means you are a wonderful mother. Honestly, my mom didnt care if I felt like I was doing too much or not. These duties were not chores as they came with the high price of feeling fear and paranoia all the time due to the severe child abuse (PA, SA, EA and MA) and neglect also associated with this.
So, in answer - you are a good mom for making them fold their laundry and tidy their living quarters. (((rebecca)))
Just to reassure you I will tell you about my young life....My "chores" starting at 10 years old and 55 pounds was to weedeat an acre and rototiller a tobacco field of 2 acres on a mountainside while my sister used a rope to hold it up so we wouldn't roll down with the 300 pound machine. I mowed, hung the tobacco, worked with the animals, weeded gardens and fields and moved stones to our driveway for traction. I also had my indoor work which seemed like a picnic after the farm work. We considered it our time off to dust, do laundry, wash dishes and sweep and vaccum. At night we were free to put on dresses and go to church which in the mountains lasted until 11 pm in which I would come home and go to bed because I had school the next morning. My dad was a minister so we were in church usually every night as he found revivals for us to attend if he was not hosting them himself.
This was everyday until winter and then my main job was to shovel snow and clean the house from top to bottom and wash all the clothes and then go to a bedroom with no heat with ice on the walls where I would shiver myself to sleep everynight because the woodstove was only supposed to heat the living room and their room. We were not allowed to sleep in the living room because my mother would stay up all night watching tv and eating chocolate bars that we never got close to. Then we would get up by ourselves in the morning and walk to the bus stop about a mile away. School was awesome because they fed me free breakfast and lunch and I was warm, though I was teased for wearing clothes that were too big for me (always smaller by far than my cousins and sister) and I was smelly and had oily hair because my mom didnt want to waste water so we had a bath on Saturday nights for church on Sunday. Imagine after working in fields all day...yuck.
If we didn't do everything we were supposed to she would start by screaming in our face for over an hour about how ungrateful and stupid we were and then slapping us when she got really mad with her tongue lolling out of her mouth like a rabid dog. Then she would backhand one of us and if the others went to help they were also punched and kicked. She would then act as if nothing happened and we were the bane of her existence telling us she wished we had never been born because we ruined her life. Five minutes alter she would try to hug us and love us and then when we flinched would beat us again for not trusting her and receiving her affection.
I remember feeling my stomach hurt all the time cause when we got home there was no food because she and my dad would go to eat out and we were left with my older brother who ate all the white bread and cereal and left us nothing. He was abusive too so being the smallest I got nothing. Well, this is sufficient for you to know that your children are blessed and loved. In closing.....
I would have loved to have had you for a mom. You are doing a great job.
AbuseWarrior
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Abuse Warrior,
Thanks for your kind post. I am so sorry for what you and others endured.
I have struggled with motherhood. I love my children very much and have never known what boundaries are too much or not enough, how strict is too strict and how much is too permissive. I probably lean way to the "too permissive" side. We just recently bought a stool for our kids so they could reach the sink to get their own water when they wanted it (because I had still been getting it for them). That was met with, "but mommy, you should get it for us!!!" (I stuck to my guns, though, and they now get it without too much complaining!) I've been trying to teach them more responsibility, I think though I am sensitive to being too harsh. Like I am afraid I will be too harsh or too demanding when really, I actually may be doing too much for them. And since I hate folding that massive pile of clothes on the couch, I thought this was one way they could help.
Thanks for your kind post. I am so sorry for what you and others endured.
I have struggled with motherhood. I love my children very much and have never known what boundaries are too much or not enough, how strict is too strict and how much is too permissive. I probably lean way to the "too permissive" side. We just recently bought a stool for our kids so they could reach the sink to get their own water when they wanted it (because I had still been getting it for them). That was met with, "but mommy, you should get it for us!!!" (I stuck to my guns, though, and they now get it without too much complaining!) I've been trying to teach them more responsibility, I think though I am sensitive to being too harsh. Like I am afraid I will be too harsh or too demanding when really, I actually may be doing too much for them. And since I hate folding that massive pile of clothes on the couch, I thought this was one way they could help.
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Re: What did she do all day? *** Triggers mild profanity **
Sigh...so sad to read all of these! Makes me want to jump up, though and make SURE that my kids "get" that I am there for them. Sometimes I feel like they will grow up and ask the same questions cuz "mooooommmm, you're always WORKING...." is like a mantra around here. Your post has reminded me to take more time out for them. We always have good fun on the weekends, but...yeah....they deserve more. Thanks, learning for posting this....I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that as a child and am amazed at your strength of character and where you are today.
I sound my barbaric YAWP over the rooftops of the world!- Walt Whitman
(member since 12.06.06. Total posts 2, 514)
(member since 12.06.06. Total posts 2, 514)