these feelings are so hard:(

[hummingbird]

Hi Greendiva, Here thinking about you this a.m., wondering how you're doing. I miss your voice here, and I'm sending you love, comfort and healing wishes.

[greendiva23]

Hi everyone,
Haven't really been around much lately, and I've gotten behind on pretty much all the threads, so I'm sorry I haven't been offering much support to anybody. I don't really have much to offer right now anyway, to be honest.

So I'm on stress leave from work. We started with 2 weeks (which gave me 1 set of shifts off), and then I followed up with her 2 weeks later because I didn't feel at all ready to go back. I ended up telling my doctor (very briefly ) about my past and the abuse and neglect from my mom and how much it was affecting me lately as I deal with/process it. She gave me at least 4-5 more weeks off (we will reassess once those are up) and we made some changes to my medications. She's also sending me to a psychiatrist just once for a full assessment/diagnosis and for med recommendations bc none of that has ever happened (I have always just seen my family doctor for this stuff). So I am feeling really good about that...I'm not even stressed and guilty about the stress leave anymore. I need it. I need the time to really open up my past/childhood and process it so that I can heal, and I can't do that when I have to keep it together for work. So that's where I am.

I'm finally connecting with the pain and loss of the emotional neglect.
Sometimes it's not that bad. But then sometimes I feel the loneliness and the hurt and I am realizing the depth of what I missed out on, and it hurts like hell. I'm taking my journaling a step further and not only writing about moments /events where my mom failed me emotionally, but also what I would have liked to receive instead in those moments. That is SO so hard for me. T has asked me tha type of question before, "What would you have wanted her to do instead?" and I'm usually not able to give him an answer. I usually say I don't know, even though I almost always do, because I'm too embarassed and ashamed to even admit what might have wanted/needed. I'm embarassed by those needs, embarassed to be that vulnerable. But I'm doing it now in my journaling and I usually cry when I do it. It opens up so much pain and abandonment and rejection. More than anything I think I'm just ashamed to need. I might tell T about my journaling, if I can.

Anyway this is where I am. I don't know how long this phase will last, but I'm trying not to rush it because I know this part is important. Maybe the most important.

Thanks for reading if you still are,

Greendiva

[hummingbird]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Greendiva)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Wow! So glad and grateful to hear from you and all that you're doing. I'm so inspired by your journaling and your work with T. I like what you wrote about not rushing things, that what you're doing now is very important. And very glad about how stress leave has unfolded. Again, I'm inspired by your self-care.

[Starfish]

greendiva, so glad to hear from you....i have learned that we can show up when we want here and not apologize if we don't. thanks for update on what is happening with you, great stuff. all this time off is time well spent and how brave to just tell the doc of the abuse and what you are going thru.

don't feel alone in feeling ashamed for wants and needs......i find myself feeling the same way and yet all humans have these needs but the shame still comes but i am getting clearer and clearer what the shame is all about and that is progress..... all this stuff runs deep and takes time.

smart of you not to rush things....they unfold in time, when you are ready.

thanks for touching base here!

[greendiva23]

(((((hummingbird)))))

Thank you so much for stopping in and checking in♡ can't tell you how much I appreciate it, and you.

Self-care is so important, but it's painful and hard to do sometimes because I don't always feel like I deserve it, and it's so natural to me to hate on myself. So all of the self care that I've been doing lately has been healing in and of itself, if that makes sense. I hope you are able to do the same hummingbird.

I've been using my book, "the emotionally absent mother " by Jasmin Lee Cori a lot lately. I guess it's kind of been my guide in all of this. I honestly feel like that book was written "for me". It just really really applies. Which is hard and painful, but also really helpful. The book talks a lot about "mothering oneself " and it's definitely something I'm curious about but it also makes me so sad and disappointed. Realizing that the best I can ever look forward to is pretending that there's this mother energy or idea inside of me. Pathetic. I don't want that. I want the real thing. I know I'm being childish and unproductive, but it's just how I'm feeling. I know that my childhood is gone and I can never go back, I can NEVER have "the real thing" no matter what. I want to just cry now after writing that it's not fair, it's not okay, and I'm not okay with it either!

And then there's my boyfriend, I can't stand it when he is too supportive and tries to get in too close. He knows a lot about what is going on with me, at least "facts - wise ", but I definitely don't share this stuff with him. I do my journaling and crying when he's at work. I know that I am supposed to be letting him in and not avoiding him, but I feel like I just want my privacy and space. I want to feel everything by myself at least once before I do it with anybody else. I'm just feeling really vulnerable and fragile and any extra stressor is just too much. Anyway. Just some more thoughts and feelings that are coming up.

Thanks again so much for checking in hummingbird. I really hope you've been well, and I think about you all the time.

Love,
Greendiva

[Jonesy]

Hi greendiva23

I ended up telling my doctor... She gave me at least 4-5 more weeks off (we will reassess once those are up) and we made some changes to my medications. She's also sending me to a psychiatrist just once for a full assessment/diagnosis and for med recommendations bc none of that has ever happened

Loving your doctor for enabling some time and space for you to breathe through this. Sounds like she really heard you.

And then there's my boyfriend... I know that I am supposed to be letting him in and not avoiding him, but I feel like I just want my privacy and space.

This will come when/ if you are ready. Only you will know when, but sometimes a little nudge from behind doesn't do any harm

[hummingbird]

((((((((((((((((((((((Greendiva))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm so happy to hear from you and that you have the time off that you need. When you wrote about realizing that you're not going to ever get the nurturing and loving mother that you needed, I felt so sad! I know that this is the hardest thing for me to grieve: I will never get that need for a loving mother and father met. I feel a lot of anger and sadness about this, and my inner child's refrain is: "This isn't fair!"

I continue to be inspired by your journaling and self-care. I haven't read all of Jasmin Lee Cori's book, but the parts I looked at about re-mothering are helpful. They bring up a lot of sadness.

I'm thinking of you, too, Greendiva.

Love,
hummingbird

[greendiva23]

Starfish, Jonesy, hummingbird,

Thank you so much for your support and validation....I can't tell you how much I appreciate it and love each and every one of you for it.

So in my book (the emotionally absent mother by Jasmin Lee Cori ) she talks about the "archetype" of the ideal mother, which as I understand it is a model that we all have somewhere inside of us, of what the perfect mother/perfect mothering would look like. She said that it might be helpful to give a physical "shape" to that archetype and that doing so might help to draw on that mother energy/being whenever necessary. Anyway I went ahead and made a collage - type of representation of "mom", or anyway what I feel and long for mother to be. I actually made 2, bc both felt necessary and appropriate and wanted to come out.

I was thinking of maybe sharing them in the artwork section here but I'm not sure if I want to bc they are so personal and they might look dumb to everybody else. Also I couldn't find anywhere there that actually said "submit" or anything remotely along those lines so I don't even actually know how.

Anyway I put up the pictures by my bed and I like to look at them and think about them and just imagine that I'm somewhere there in the picture with her. That might be weird. Anyway.

Talk more soon

Greendiva

[Starfish]

i hope you can submit them, greendiva, would love to see them. sounds like you have been busy. i don't think it is weird am impressed you have the strength to pull those art projects together. .... they sound like a really good tool for finding the mother inside of you. xxoo thanks for checking in. you are doing some great work on your time off

[recover]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((greendiva))))))))))))))))))))))))
reading and supporting you dear.
love,
recover xo