Christmas abuse

[Chessgirl]

Christmas is so bittersweet to me. I still love Christmas but I have some very painful memories surrounding Christmas. For one, having a brother and mom who are malignant narcissists they have really tried to make sure I am never credited for anything ever. They also have a hard time watching me experience any joy of any kind. I’m not allowed to possess any positive traits, like having generosity or thoughtfulness.

Throughout the years starting at a young age I would find ways to make money, like I’d clean my grandparents house for cash then use that cash to buy the best Christmas presents for my family. I always felt like maybe if I got them the right present, they would see how much I love them and maybe they would love me back. What happened up until the time I cut my family off is I would buy super great presents that they themselves loved but then later they would credit someone else with buying it for them. For example, I bought my mom this CD called “December” when I was in 5th grade with beautiful classical “December” music and she has played it every year since I was a child. After a few years I’d say “oh I’m so glad you like that cd I got you.” And she would insist that I never got it for her. That my brother did. Then my brother would agree and say he remembers buying it for her. Another time I got my brother and his new wife an objective book on vaccines. It was like an encyclopedia with everything you need to know about every vaccine ever invented. They loved it and frequently would bring this book up in conversations. Again, after I reminded my brother one year about how I got it for him, he insisted hat a friend from church got him the book. It crushed me. Even my grandparents have done this to me, accrediting my brother for the thoughtful and useful Christmas gifts that I bought for them. For a long time I thought this was all just an accident that happens in families until a few years ago, I realized how they truly never allow me to have the credit for gifts I buy. It is so bizarre. I feel like it must be a deliberate effort.... it ruined Christmas for me when I caught on, and I stopped buying them nice stuff. Now luckily I don’t have to buy them anything at all, just the family who I created and my husbands family.

The other thing that pains me about Christmas is all the memories I have of unfair treatment over the years. My brother being the golden child would always get more than me and he would get exactly what he asked for, whereas I would get something I did not want or ask for. (On birthdays sometimes i would get nothing at all) For example, my mom would buy me a nightgown that was for a grandma with ruffles up the neck, like something truly hideous for a teenager. But the thing would be like 200 bucks so if I complained or did not like it, I would look like a brat.

It probably happened for as long as I’ve been alive but the first year I remember noticing how unfair it was, was third grade. We had been to England the previous summer and my brother was in love with this cologne called “George trumper” and the cologne was super expensive. So at Christmas my parents gave him a ton of this cologne that had to have cost hundreds of dollars on top of all his other gifts. He spent the whole day unopening presents. I went through mine within 10 minutes. My dad had run out to the pharmacy store the night before and got me some cheap nic nacks like a slinky, a stress ball, some lotion. I opened my gifts and then I cried when I saw the contrast between what I got and what my brother got. I actually asked how come he got so much more than me? They said you got nice stuff too! And I said “no you got this stuff from Walgreens last night” they yelled at me so much for this and said I was unappreciated and a brat and that I hurt their feelings. I was not allowed to eat Christmas breakfast with them and by the time we got to my grandparents later that night I was starving. I remember it was such a lonely and depressi feeling and no one validated me but I knew that it was unfair. It was around this age, that I started realizing that the way I was treated was unfair. Every year after this, pretty much the same thing happened although I wouldn’t complain anymore. I had to just suck it up and I tried my best not to let it get to me. That’s the thing, I loved Christmas so much that I would try everything in my will power to not let people ruin it for me.

After having spent the last few years with just my husbands family, Christmas has been so much easier and more joyful and FAIR. Family members give me the credit I deserve when I get someone something they want. Family members, while I don’t know expect anything, always get me nice thoughtful things that I want which is kind and I’ve never experienced that. I’m glad I can enjoy Christmas with family and don’t feel I’m being treated so unfairly and punished for being human. It’s great I can enjoy Christmas now but I still get super sad when I think back on all those years that they wouldn’t let me enjoy Christmas.

[Kokoschka]

Hi Chessgirl,

I read your post and l feel the anger and rage crawling up inside. Unfortunately these memories might always be a part of you but l hope and wish for you that with the help of your husband and beautiful child and his relatives all this ugliness will in time turn to just a faint and fainter memory and who knows, maybe one day covered by all the good you experience, never come up again.

Best, Kokoschka

[Chessgirl]

Kokoscha

I’m so happy to hear from you! An excited, warm feeling came over me when I saw your name! Thank you for reading my post and feeling the anger with me. I agree these memories will always stay with me but I hope they do become faint as time goes on. I do have a lot of good times to look forward to. Everyday I try to remind myself of my blessings and be present with the family I’ve created. So great to hear from you!