I want more

[greendreamdays]

I know that I'm not, but I feel so stupid. After about 6 months of seeing a gastroenterologist for mysterious GI issues that no one can sort out, and an expensive 3.5 hour long diagnostic lab test to rule out x medical issue which I don't have, I have finally come to the conclusion that the cause of my chronic stomach upset is that I hold my emotions in my gut. It sounds fake but medications are not an option for me. The ones that work makes me feel extremely suicidal and dissociated. So in being desperate to find some relief from the constant pain I have tried fully feeling my emotions, being mindful, doing deep breathing, doing polyvagal exercise to regulate my nervous system. It is the only thing that has helped.

May it sounds stupid but I hold my anxiety and my anger and sadness in my gut. And after a lifetime of repression of course it has given me chronic medical issues. I recently watched a documentary about the mind-body connection in medicine and how treating mental health properly can help relieve physical symptoms in the body. I have known about the mind-body connection for a long time. I wrote essays about it years ago. I researched it and am frequently in see posts on social media from people who claim to know how to heal chronic medical issues in the context of the mind-body connection. it's not the answer for everyone. But I felt like I was somehow the exception because I went to ED treatment, I went to hospitals, I saw specialists, I went to trauma therapy, and still I had idiopathic pain that never seemed to go away no matter what I tried, but not having relief was not an option.

It took thinking it all over in the waiting room during my x-ray for several hours between pictures that it started to sink in that I don't have x medical issue but i clearly still have pain and other symptoms, but i noticed on the machine that the way i breathed make my x ray picture appear healthier and normal like it should be. Hard to explain. I started breathing like that more and I started to feel better. In my breathing practices before that I guess I was more focused on the deep inhale than the complete exhale. The more I focus on my breathing throughout the day, the calmer my stomach is, the less pain there is. It took a lot to get me to be able to face that i was not fully feeling my emotions. I was stopping them, not letting them be felt because it was too painful and confusing and I didn't think I was ready.

But I think now is as good a time as any. I have been reading The Courage to Heal again. I didn't get through it the first few times because I would get dissociated so easily. I forgot that it really does take a lot of courage and strength to heal from these things and that I need to be able to take the risk and dive in anyway. No one's holding my hand, no one can make me do any more of it than I want to. I have to trust myself and be present and let the memories come up because of how much pain and chaos reigns in my life when i try to hold those back. i don't want to stop feeling my emotions. I want to fully live even if that means feeling painful things that I have repressed for a long time.

It's really hard to face the things i went through. But I have to remind myself that yes they were real and they did happen. I keep finding myself thinking loads of people are molested all the time, so it's not really a big deal. Other people are fine and go on to live normal lives so why am I so affected by it? i know that's really insensitive and I would never say that to anyone else, just myself. I know my stuff is not as bad as other people have it. I'll never be as strong as them. But what has happened in my life has absolutely devastated me to my core. It has thrown every aspect of my life into disarray. And I have largely dealt with it alone, or at least feeling alone. I didn't really think emotions had the power to do that in my life. i thought as long as i could keep pushing the emotions down they must not be that strong or important. I kept thinking it couldn't have been that bad, and I processed everything that i could in therapy. but that wasn't true. I think the part of me that kept saying it wasn't that bad knew it was bad, but used that as a way to stop me from fully feeling all those bad things because recovering turns my life upside down too.

I want to be able to have healthy relationships. i want to be close to people without feeling constant fear and running away. i want to have more friends. Of course it's hard to do that in a pandemic. i want so much more from my life than to live in fear of my own memories and emotions. I'm stronger than that. I can overcome.

[Serenity]

Hi greendreamdays,

It doesn't sound stupid at all. In fact, digestive issues are pretty common among survivors, and people with depression, anxiety, etc. Many of us are diagnosed with things like IBS. What you experience is absolutely valid. I wish more medical doctors understood the brain/body connection, though it seems like that's slowly starting to change. It sounds like you are doing a lot of really hard work for yourself. It's not easy, but I do believe it is so worth it.

With care,
Serenity