Disordered eating due to fear

[Progress]

I wasn’t sure where to post this. Settled on physical/emotional abuse category.
I kinda know what I need to do to address this, I just don’t want to. Because I don’t really want to face it. I just want to write it down and share with people who “get it”.
I lost my appetite several weeks ago, and finally sat with it. One young part seems to be holding the memory “there’s something wrong with this food”.
I’m not getting hunger cues and I just have no desire to eat. Sometimes looking at food and the thought of putting food in my mouth makes my stomach feel sick. I feel good and safe somehow by not eating. It’s the opposite of what it should be. Food is good. And yummy.
It’s not related to body image or weight. I don’t think it’s like a typical eating disorder. I hardly ate as a kid, up until later high school.

I let my thoughts run, and mentioned to my siblings that maybe mom was tampering with the food to sedate me, or us, so our father could sexually abuse us. I questioned alcohol and cough syrup, 2 things that were always in the house. We all remember the green one for congestion tasted good. The red one for cough tasted yucky. My siblings still have contact with our patents, and they brought it up. My mother only said: we never had any of that in the house. Which is a lie. My father said nothing.

I was afraid to eat in case the food had something wrong with it. I suppose, who knows, I could’ve seen something creepy on tv, or who knows what? Kids can think funny things. But my memory knows that I was afraid my mom did something to the food.

I feel like I’m caught in some kind of survival instinct from my childhood. Don’t eat the food, the food is not safe. I could be way off base, I’m not sure. I do know for sure that my parents were horrible horrible people.

And now that I’ve written this out maybe I’ve taken that first step to addressing it. Thank you for this space.

[Oceantide]

Progress,

So challenging (such a basic survival need...food) and yet, like you say, sharing about it is the first step to addressing it. Just giving it space is a wonderful thing. I'm sorry your parents were so horrible, and glad that you're trusting the gentle process of healing.

[Watercolor]

It's tricky to have struggles we don't understand. Which of course, most of them are. Sorry there are food and eating issues. Sitting with and tuning in sounds like such a good start. Just listening and caring as you find your way, Progress.

[Harmony]

I don't know if this is helpful or not but there is a lot of discussion about eating and abuse issues including restricting over Dependence and Compulsion section of isurvive at:viewforum.php?f=27

[Progress]

Oceantide, Watercolor, and Harmony,
Thank you all for your support. It’s very much appreciated.
Yeah, the tricky part of this thing is that the trauma response feels “good”. Like, how can I find the motivation to correct it? It feels “safe”. Especially when there’s other stuff happening that’s so hard.

But I absolutely know logically that I am not eating enough and I’m losing weight at a very unhealthy rate. I mean, not that I couldn’t stand to lose a few pounds, but it def shouldn’t be like this.

Harmony, thank you for the tip! I will absolutely take a long look around in the Dependence/Compulsion section. I am sure I will find some wisdom there.

So thankful for you all, my heart is full of gratitude that’s hard to express,
Progress

[FrumSurvivor]

Wow, that all hurt to read.
Good for you for putting it all out so bravely here.
I hope you find the support you need to aid you in this journey here at isurvive.

I also struggle with food when I'm anxious, but it's different as I have been through different things than you and I think I just get too uptight to rest and digest.
Whatever the case, I really wish you the best. It's not easy.
Warmly,