Starting somatic therapy

[FrumSurvivor]

Hi!
For those of you who don't know me, I've been to so many therapists and tried all different types over the years. Only one was super helpful - and insanely expensive. But I got through it somehow, I barely bought anything new (clothing, shoes, etc) for years and ate very simply so all my earnings could go towards my health. After years of this, I made tremendous progress but things are very hard these days and there have been relapses this whole year - it's very very hard.
So after a year of trying to piece myself together, I'm trying a new kind of somatic therapy. It's also pricey but I gave her a budget and she said even a couple sessions might really help, and that I will be able to guage if it's good. I know her from before and do trust her, so hopefully this will work out.
I'm so unregulated these days. The smallest things send me flying into shame or anxiety attacks that I don't quickly recover from. It's very challenging. I feel like I'm just trying to hold it together and I'm alone in this journey.
Let's hope this helps. I can't pay everything I own anymore like I used to, it's an impossible standard of living and I have to be able to live normally and spend money on other things as well. So I really hope this can help... I can't do everything on my own anymore. I see there's only a certain amount of control a human can have. I can't fix my own emotions. Gonna pray on this.
Thank you for reading.

[FrumSurvivor]

I went today.
It was weird.
She's trustworthy but it is scary for me to be in a room with one other person. It's like there's no liability. There's a part of me that finds this very frightening.
Today was kind of hard. She was sensitive and asked me a million questions (as per my instructions!) on what she can and can't do. I liked it a little but it felt weird, like I'm being spoken to as an abused person and not just someone 'regular' without 'stuff'. I almost feel like I wish she woulda done whatever work was needed without any talking/asking/etc cuz I felt stupid about it. Even shame.
Look. I'm not choosing these feelings. They're just here. So I suppose that makes them valid.
The work we are doing is science-based and makes sense - so I'm happy about that.
I just wish I didn't have so much trauma and fear related to touch and one-on-one time. It makes things complicated for me.
I think today was helpful but we'll see where it goes.
I had a serious shame attack after today's session; I get like that when ppl know too much. It's hard to have so much shame. I never did anything to deserve it... I just want to live my life without being upset at my own insecurities and traumas and the ways they are perceived by other people.

[Jonesy]

Hi FrumSurvivor

Today was kind of hard.

Your feelings are definitely valid and it sounds like you did an amazing job - sending balloons and a marching band, if ok

[Qwerty]

Don't feel too bad about your fear and anxieties. My alters got scared and hid just because I read a book on therapy. You are braver then you think. Its going to take me forever to convince my alters that we're not going to therapy that I was just doing self help.
~The Narrator~

[FrumSurvivor]

Jonesy and Qwerty - thank you! I need all the support I can get. It's a challenging and oftentimes lonely ride.

[FrumSurvivor]

Hasn't been easy but hanging in there.
Lots of triggers with the therapy.
Not much money to afford sessions altogether. (x take insurance)
But today went alright, and I got lots of HW so feeling a bit overwhelmed
But hw is good.
Trying to keep in mind that I am healable. I will be ok. Even if lots of parts of me are treatment resistent and wary.

[Qwerty]

How are you doing Frum?
Sorry I have been away, I has a health crisis as well and things got rough. I hope you're feeling better.

[Progress]

Yes FrumSurvivor,
I would love to hear an update on your therapy too.
Warmly,
Progress

[FrumSurvivor]

Aww, you two are so sweet.
I have a session tomorrow. I should hold off writing till then, haha. I'm splurging a little to fit in more sessions because I see much value in this type of work. Still, progress is super slow and it feels like a very hungry soul eating a few bites of food once in a while. Filling, satisfying - but a DROP.
Trying to hold on in general cuz I'm dysregulated and way too stressed for many upsetting and valid reasons.