I feel so alone tonight (+ slight intro post)

[rainbowdoves]

It's been a few years since I started taking steps to move out of my family's house. I am officially moving into my own place next month. Yet part of me refuses to believe it won't be taken away from me even though I paid all the fees and haven't been shown a reason it could be taken away. I am constantly dealing with the shame of taking so long as well, but I had a life-saving transition to start and pandemic to get through first, to be fair. Maybe with that against me, the fact I secured a place so quick this year is good..? I usually don't win in my own mind.

Anyways, I'm figuring out the setup in the new place, I'm looking for work in the new neighborhood, and...I'm avoiding my family and staying in my room more than ever. Background: Me and my two brothers have a father who physically and emotionally and verbally abused us as children. When my oldest brother began to physically abuse and terrorize me and my mom, my dad would gaslight us about the situation. I'm starting to realize more and more that my mom's emotionally abusive behavior is more common than I initially thought. I won't go into detail, and I hope my topic icon's appropriate, I just wanna try to give proper background as to why I feel the way I do. Which I've even heard is a symptom of trauma. Because I think people won't take me seriously. Sorry.


Despite my mom's abuse and toxicity becoming more and more apparent to me, I feel ashamed for spending less time with her. She has a history of being emotionally dependent on me, despite being her youngest child who, at least in his own opinion, is severely mentally ill and traumatized due to her own neglect of my safety. Well, the neglect certainly didn't help prevent more trauma. I come from a family where you only tell each other about your problems, even if that means dumping everything you've gone through on your children, That's usually what it means, I remember being too terrified to tell my extended family I was in therapy and on medication. And mom insists that we don't tell the extended family she doesn't like about my other brother getting treatment.

My mom hates my dad, but I don't think she'll ever leave him. She feels sorry for him, that he won't be able to survive on his own without her (because he has no life or financial skills, despite being our main provider), and because he protects her from my oldest brother, who literally started getting violent due to dad. She does not confide to him, at least she always preferred venting to me. She even told me and my other brother immediately that dad was cheating on her when we were 8 and 10.

I didn't mean for this post to go into a backstory direction, I'm sorry. I'm partially convinced I always do this site wrong... (this is my first account and first time I've come back since last month, to be clear). Because she's been so dependent on me, I feel ashamed for no longer being able to listen to her and help her. This is not how I'm supposed to be a good son. I don't know how to be her good son and also be happy and okay. I'm hoping living alone will help me start to figure that out........

I've felt extremely alone with all my abuse, so if anyone could spare some kind words that'd be really helpful....

[Chessgirl]

I’m so glad you are getting out on your own! I picked up on a lot of similarities to my own family. My mother made my brother her best friend, surrogate spouse. When he grew up he moved into the house directly behind my mom and she homeschools all his kids. It is such an enmeshed mess. I’m glad you are getting away and won’t have your life taken over by your mother the way my mom stole my brothers life. Just focus on you right now! I think the longer you are away from them, the more clear it will all become. I think it sounds like you need clear boundaries with them and a lot of distance but you are doing great! Thanks for sharing your experience with us and remember you have us here! We are cheering you on!

[plantsandtigers]

Hi rainbowdoves,

Sitting with you in the aloneness.

Thank you for sharing your story, of the abuse and neglect you have suffered. You're right, it all sounds very traumatising and I'm sorry that people have tried to make you doubt your experience.

I can't begin to tell you how much it helped me when I moved out of my family home away from my emotionally abusive father and emotionally absent mother. I have only realised with distance how much my mother was dependent on me emotionally, and I ended up being her parental figure, which has a horrible effect on a child. The instance you mentioned about your mother telling you that your father was cheating on her - that must have been so much pressure for you children to hold.

Moving out has given me the space to be myself, see the problems clearly and set up boundaries that suit me. I wish the same for you rainbowdoves. I think in order to be happy, putting yourself first is the most important step. For me, that meant not being the 'good daughter' anymore. That was really difficult for me to accept, but I would rather be truly me, than a cog in a broken machine of a family.

plantsandtigers

[rainbowdoves]

I’m so glad you are getting out on your own! I picked up on a lot of similarities to my own family. My mother made my brother her best friend, surrogate spouse. When he grew up he moved into the house directly behind my mom and she homeschools all his kids. It is such an enmeshed mess.

Hello chessgirl, I hope i am replying right.

I have been homeschooled my entire life, with my oldest brother going into it after 8th grade and my other brother after 2nd grade. Because she went into it for my brothers to accommodate their health issues and protect my oldest from bullying related to his, and of mostly knowing other stories like ours, I do think homeschooling-with the discrimination and neglect prevalent in school settings- is an acceptable concept. But I've heard more and more of other homeschooled abuse survivors, especially from religious families like mine, going into them as an additional safeguard/tactic against the abuse in their lives being reported. Or as an isolation method, which I've largely experienced. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm deeply sorry for your brother and his children.

However the schooling for my future children looks, I absolutely strive to make sure their physical and emotional safety will be honored and cherished. I work extra hard to assure my trauma of enmeshment will be something less and less powerful on my mind by the time I do have kids. It's also gently soothing to admit that I can work on the trauma for myself as well, despite my immense self loathing and guilt I have because of it.

Thank you so much for your kindness, I hope you are doing well!

[rainbowdoves]

I can't begin to tell you how much it helped me when I moved out of my family home away from my emotionally abusive father and emotionally absent mother. I have only realised with distance how much my mother was dependent on me emotionally, and I ended up being her parental figure, which has a horrible effect on a child. The instance you mentioned about your mother telling you that your father was cheating on her - that must have been so much pressure for you children to hold.

Thank you so much for such a wonderful and caring reply.

Honestly, I tried to bury the memory of that night I found out down for years, that when I finally told my best friend about it, I was tearing up and trembling. My mother lashed out on us about it, at later times. I just didn't tell anybody for years and years. I didn't even realize how bad my enmeshment was until I told my best friend, whose also a survivor of it. The amount of times I was made to coddle and be there for my mom when my own distress was so overwhelming just breaks my heart, it makes me angry. I never thought I'd regret being there for her, but the things she put on me my entire life...She asked me if I wanted her to divorce dad when I was 5 years old. 5 years old!!! I didn't even know how to tie my own shoelaces back then. I started crying and told her no, because my only exposure to the concept was it being hard and sad. And I was scared of my dad leaving me and hating me, even if he did abuse me. And of course, she held onto this forever and used it as an excuse to never leave him.

I put it on myself to protect her, be her knight and hero, when my brother was violent and abusive. I even have a memory of channeling Garnet from Steven Universe (a very stoic, strong, determined hero) while guarding her, to keep her safe and be good. And to not feel a thing. Every adult in my life acted like I was insane for this. I never understood why. It took my current, effective T to tell me that it was never my responsibility to protect her, and she should've protected ME, to have me realize why it was wrong. The situation was wrong, and not me. I'm very used to having my emotions and reactions mocked and invalidated, if not downright ignored, so thinking I was wrong and silly for this just did so much worse to me.


I have to stop here, I made myself very upset, which I didn't anticipate at all.... I've vented about this before and just felt resigned anger, I don't understand why my heart hurts so bad. I will do everything I can to let myself feel this. To be the good supportive figure I always needed. Thank you so so much, I'm so happy you and chessgirl are free.

[plantsandtigers]

Hi rainbowdoves,

How are you feeling about moving out now?

5 years old. How could have possibly known what to say? And how could you have known at the time that it was not your job to protect her? When we were children we had no way to figure these things out.

The situation was wrong and not you, they are beautiful words.

I'm sorry that writing about this made your feel upset, but it sounds like you were very compassionate with yourself when the emotions came up.

I hope to do the same rainbowdoves, to mother myself as I mothered her, to be caring and compassionate and patient with myself as I wish my mother was. I hope you will be free with us soon:)