On the Chessboard 2021

[plantsandtigers]

Hi Chessgirl,

Life is so short, and your life belongs to you. So I think that whether you want to see some of your family, never want to see any of them, or wish to meet with all of them - all of these choices are yours to make and I'm sure that it will become clear to you what you want and what your deepest self needs.

It has taken me years, but I now have no contact with the members of my family who abused me or those who continued to deny the abuse. That has left me with very few I'm still in contact with - and sometimes I don't even want to engage with them - because of the complex feelings you mentioned, I don't know how much of my life is being told back to my abuser, etc... So sometimes I just avoid them for a while. Always just reminding myself that we create our own families, so I am under no requirement to see these people, only if I wish. I find the feeling of freedom so important.

I hope your house and your future baby girl continue to bring you joy.

plantsandtigers

[Chessgirl]

Plantsandtigers,

Thank you and you are so right, that having the freedom to choose is so important. I think it is wise to not have contact with family members who deny your abuse or who relay info back to your abusers. You really have a good head on your shoulders and I appreciate you sharing your own experiences. It helps knowing someone else understands so much of what I’m dealing with.

On a different note, I was very triggered today and haven’t been the same ever since. I came across an old home video and I saved it for awhile but finally decided to watch it. My mother was filming and of course, knowing she was on film, acted like mother of the year throughout this video. I recognized my anxiety and pain in my behavior though. I was 3-4 and I was heavily dissociated in the whole video. Just staring off into space. Now When I watch these videos it’s hard to process that I’m watching myself because my daughter now is the same age as I was in the video and she looks identical to me... so watching these home videos of me just feels like I’m watching videos of my daughter. Seeing the little person (myself) look so hurt and dissociated was very hard for me because it was like it wasn’t happening to myself but I was watching the pain on someone else which made it more heartbreaking.

So the disturbing part was at the very end before the film cut off. It was my birthday and it showed me sitting in bed like I had just woken up. My mom and dad and bro come into my room with a cupcake and sung happy birthday and I just stared blankly at them. Then they said blow out the candle and I just stared at the candle . Then my dad blew the candle out for me. Then my mom said “open the presents from your brother” “look what your brother got you”... it was very much about my brother and I opened it and gave it to my brother (it was some box he made for me with a pic inside) and I gave it back to my brother and said “this is for you” .... they said “no Chessgirl this is your birthday” and then they handed me another present and it was a Barbie and I handed it to my mom and said “this is for mommy. This isn’t for me” and my mom and dad said “no this is for you Chessgirl” and I began to cry and say “no this is for mommy! This is for mommy! This isn’t for me.” And they finally said “ok ok it’s for mommy, geez” and then the film cut off.

This was disturbing for me because at my daughters age almost 3 she knows that when it’s her birthday the day is about her, the presents are for her. She smiles and giggliest with excitement as she blows out her candles. She jumps up and down. This is totally opposite from now I acted. I acted sad and confused. I acted like I wasn’t used to my own needs or wants coming first. At that age I was practically a baby and should have been comfortable with the world revolving around me at least on my birthday but no I wanted everyone else to take my presents. My husband even said it was disturbing the way I acted. To me it was just more proof that something was seriously wrong at a very young age something was not right! They still always say that “something went wrong with Chessgirl at some point in her life” but this proves otherwise. It’s just so upsetting

[plantsandtigers]

Hi Chessgirl,

It's funny because I can say that I have no contact with them now without fear, but it really took a long time and a lot of therapy to get to that point. And I know how much it helps to know that others are experiencing similar difficulties, this family stuff can be so isolating.

That is so so sad to hear about the home video. How devastating to see yourself at that age so dissociated and distressed, knowing how a happy child like your daughter acts at the same age. As you say, this is further proof that there was nothing wrong with who you are and were, but so much wrong with the environment around you. You were just trying to understand and behave accordingly in that world. Its so sad to see that played out, how you couldn't even comprehend that the presents would be for you. It must be very difficult to process all of this.

My grandmother told my mother a few times as I was growing up that something bad had happened to me and she didn't know what, but that I was suffering because of it. My mother acted confused - she even brought it up to me a few years ago innocently. I find it so upsetting that someone with influence at the time, an adult, could see that something was deeply wrong in our family and that a child was being damaged by it but that it wasn't stopped, no authorities were called, it was just allowed to continue. It's horrible to think back to what our young selves had to deal with, how confusing and terrifying it all must have been.

If its ok, my younger self would like to offer yours a hug. Children understand each other and just want to be safe and loved.

plantsandtigers

[Chessgirl]

Plantsandtigers,

Exactly... couldn’t even comprehend that the presents were for me. Ugh I’m so sorry the adults in your life ignored the warning signs that something was wrong! I feel this way as well and it makes me feel angry and so betrayed. If my daughter shows any signs of distress or regression or sadness we are on top of it. What is going on in an adults head when they notice something is wrong but don’t do anything about it? I don’t get it. I’ll never understand. I’m so very sorry. I can relate very much.

[Chessgirl]

I don’t know if it’s the hormones or the fact that I’m just depressed and miserable this pregnancy, as I physically feel so sick. I’ve put on a ridiculous amount of weight. I stopped shaving and taking care of myself so I basically stopped having sex with my husband. We moved into a beautiful new house but I can’t get out of bed so there’s all this pressure to have a house warming party but I can’t unpack the boxes. Now we have a cold again and are scared to death it’s Covid so we have to get tested. Anyway, I’m not sure exactly what it is but I have found myself very easily triggered especially by my husbands mother. She does nice things for us all the time so I look like a jerk for being frustrated with her but she does very annoying and manipulative things. For example she went grocery shopping for us but didn’t get what was on the list she replaced items with things she liked or things that were on sale or that she found to be better for our family. My husband said I should be happy she went shopping for us but it pissed me off she is manipulative in these subtle ways.

A few weeks back she sent us a video clip of her babysitting our daughter and she had my sister in law (my daughters aunt) there and they were putting make up on my daughter and my mil said “(daughters name) when you grow up your aunt will teach you how to put on make up because she’s an expert!” Ok I know this doesn’t sound bad but it really hurt my feelings because it’s like so I’m not an expert? I sent her a text asking to please not say things like that to my daughter as I plan on teaching her how to wear make up one day and I don’t want anyone else signing up for that except for me. I said I may not be an expert but I’m her mother and that will be my job... she apologized in a very in genuine way. Then another time I was in a group text with my mil and sil and we were talking about boys names and I said “do y’all like the name christoff” and no one responded or replied which is kind of a pet peeve of mine and I felt ignored. Then a few minutes later they called my husband and said “hey we talked and we don’t like the name christoff. It sounds like it’s from frozen the movie” I then sent them a text saying it hurt my feelings that they did not respond to my question but instead called my husband and gave him their opinion. I said that type of communication is not direct. It is triangulation and that’s dysfunctional. I said I promise I wouldn’t have gotten mad if you didn’t like the name . I just ask that you respond directly to me in the future . Again, they gave me a very ingenuine apology saying sorry for the misunderstanding or lack of communication. I just feel like there’s a lack of respect with his mother and sister and me and it’s gotten to the point I resent them and want distance from them. They act like they care so much about my husband and daughter but don’t give a crap about me or respect my wishes or requests. I had another fight with my husband. He said I’m being too negative and that I don’t respect that he loves his family because I asked for some distance. He said he does everything for me and I do nothing and that I’m trying to take his family away from him too.

I don’t know sometimes I wonder if I am this toxic person and I’m being too negative or too picky. I thought I was just setting boundaries and expressing my feelings. My feelings seem to be hurt a lot so maybe I’m too sensitive? I just find his mother very triggering to the point where I almost hate her. I don’t want to be a bad or abusive person and I told my husband if I make him so miserable and don’t help with anything.... as he says “he does everything for me” then maybe we shouldn’t be together and that made him so mad that I said that. I just don’t know what to do. If I need to change I don’t know how: I’m so confused right now and wonder if it’s just my hormones. I know I feel miserable when this should be a happy time in my life.

[dancingfish]

Oh Chessgirl. It's okay, it really is. I don't think you're being particularly hormonal or sensitive, I think you're being absolutely perfectly normal for your situation. :) If you don't mind, to me it looks a bit like this - you've been through - and are still going through! - some huge life changes. They're not easy to deal with or navigate. If it's okay to say... you don't have to have a housewarming party. Maybe later, maybe not at all. It's okay to take care of your most basic needs, and let others slide if we just don't have the energy for them right now. It may affect other things, but it sounds like you're just trying to look after you and your family as best you can with the resources you have right now. (And if it helps, my legs are currently a "forest". :D A friend once used this phrase - English not her first language - and I've quite liked it ever since.)

For me your relatives sound really difficult, and if they're triggering then they're triggering. Particularly if they're crossing boundaries, not being polite (I like Christoff!), and not respecting your wishes and needs. That's really a lot, it would be sending me up the wall! You deserve to be listened to, heard, respected. I'm not sure why they're not doing that, but it's not you. Often people have strong ideas of how things "should" be, and they're almost frightened to go against that. Just an idea, from what I've experienced before. It's really not on you, though. :)

I'm sorry to hear about your fight, too. That's a hard thing to deal with. Boundaries with another's family are so difficult to navigate. We're not rejecting them and their family, but trying to protect ourselves. Have had some difficulties negotiating this myself of late, too. But I really don't think you're toxic, you're not negative, nor picky. Look at all the consideration you're giving this, and how you're trying to reason it - that's someone who is considerate, caring, but also finding life understandably difficult at the moment.

This time in your life is just this time in your life, I think - telling ourselves we "should" be happy is just dropping the expectations of others into our lap. It's very hard not to do, though! This period will have bright moments and no doubt difficult ones too, and you've been so sick and the world is simply a worrying place right now.

I think it's okay to hunker down and focus on building a sense of your new home about you. To honour your feelings, all of them. Communication is hard, and there's a lot to deal with right now. Maybe little steps, and know that we're supporting you every step of the way. :)

[Chessgirl]

Thank you dancingfish,
Yours words are incredibly validating and just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much for telling me that I have been considerate while navigating through all this stuff with my family members. I think sometimes I am so afraid that maybe I am becoming or already am a narcissist like my mother. I really don’t want that to be the case though. Setting boundaries is so hard and I’m sorry you have had trouble with this as well, but it is so important and healthy. Good idea about putting off or scratching off the house warming party. As I told my husband yesterday, some days I have to proud of myself just for making it through the day. Just for getting up and showering. I’m having trouble with just surviving right now... oh and yes my forest legs definitely show that lol. I appreciate you helping me out with your response! Thank you so much dancingfish!

[coconuts]

Its okay to feel how ever you feel. I think growing up in abusive and manipulative environments changed the way we percieve things. Makes us more cautious in relationships and in some ways more aware and sensitive to things. I think you are hangling mil very well. You are being strong and setting boundaries which is amazing and awesome but is also something other people dont know how to deal with. Thats on them, not you. Also i find as ive gone thru healing and therapy that my emotional intelligence is growing a lot. And i have to remind myself that me knowing or understanding something does not equate to the world knowing and understanding. And in ways. Im glad. I'm glad others don't understand the painfull ways i have learned things. But it can be lonely too.

The video sounds very triggering. But also validating. I find those things both disturbing and helpful. Proof im not crazy but sad at the revelations as well. In the long run i think helpful

As a note i am a horrible pregnant person. I was always miserable. Never the glowing happy bubbly person. Not that i wasn't totally in love with my little growing wonder. Just that physically i didn't feel well and mentally things were just harder.

You do you. That's just fine.
A lot of people struggle with the balance of extended family versus the newly established nuclear family. It's a growing and stretching as you learn to navigate a new norm. In many ways some strings have to be cut because the dynamics are different. Its harder than people realize. You are doing great. Hold on to the love you have. No regrets. Fully embrace your new family (husband, daughter, baby). That is what matters. The rest are just peripheral. Show yourself and everyone what is most important and what you are willing to fight for. No giving up. No regrets. Fight for you, for your family and let all the rest fall to the side.

[Chessgirl]

Coconuts
Your words really hit the spot and felt validating and comforting to read. Thanks for reminding me that by me setting boundaries, I am doing the right thing and not everyone is going to know how to handle that. You are right that that is on them! And yes, the video was both upsetting and validating. Perhaps I needed another reminder that this stuff isn’t invented in my head. I’m glad I’m not the only one who suffers so much during pregnancy but I hate for you or anyone to have to endure this kind of a struggle, especially while juggling so much complex trauma and pain. It is unbearable seeming at times but I will do what you have suggested, love and hang on to my family. I will be strong and fight for them. Not going to give up . Thanks for your inspiring words. I needed that!

[Progress]

Hi Chessgirl,

Your feelings are legit, no matter what they are. I also happen to think your mil and sil are a couple of sly foxes. My mother is a sly fox. She would brew decaf and tell me it was caffeinated right to my face because she thought I was drinking too much coffee. When my daughter picked a paint color for her room my mom didn’t like it, so she and my dad volunteered to go buy the paint. My mom secretly bought a different color that she liked, but also brought back a paint swatch of my daughter’s color and said that was the color in the can. She just thought it was ok to be sneaky all the time to get what she wanted.

Anyway, maybe you get triggered by your in-laws covert manipulation. They’re just a little bit too sly. Props to you for speaking up! Setting boundaries! Shining a light on the manipulative stuff, and protecting yourself from that hurt.

That whole thing with them calling your husband about the name Christoff felt like something mean girls in middle school would do. I would’ve been very hurt in that situation, feeling very much the outsider in the group. Btw, I think Christoff is terrific!
And your husband kind of invalidated your feelings when he said you were too sensitive. Ouch. It sounds like a very tricky situation, and I hope there is a solution where you both feel validated and safe and united.

I wish I were more eloquent and supportive. Sending all my good vibes ….
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