On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

Thank you plantsandtigers, I really appreciate that.

I’ve been such a miserable angry person lately and I feel terrible almost like I’m turning into my mother. Yesterday on Father’s Day after getting no sleep and throwing up all night I was so angry. There was no one to blame but I wanted to be mad at someone. I told my fiancé the doctors don’t care and no one cares because I’m still so sick. I mean really this day and age with medical advancements, women are still dealing with hypermesis and there’s truly nothing they can do. Some women truly commit suicide because this throws them over the edge If they are already fragile or depressed. Anyway I told my fiancé if no
One could help me he needed to stay aaau from me because I was afraid I might hurt someone or myself. He has been keeping my 2 year old in the Other room and trying to stay out of my hair. On Father’s Day I agreed to sit down with her to help her paint a Father’s Day card for her grandpa but I kept getting frustrated. She would dip the brush in the paint and the brush would be dripping and she would get paint all over the carpet and she kept wanting to dip the brush in the water and it was getting everywhere and I’d yell “no (her name) that’s not how you do it!” And I kept saying “ugghhhhh!” And one time I yelled out super loud like basically I screamed “be patient!!!!!!” And my fiancé rushed in and told me to stop taking my anger out on her. And then I left and slammed the door and said I don’t want to be a mom anymore.... then I was getting her ready but we were trying on bathing suits on her and when I took one bathing suit off she cried and screamed because she wanted to keep it on and instead of being patient and comforting her I just started crying like a toddler with her and we were both on the ground crying and I kept saying I can’t do this anymore.... she went to her grandparents with my fiancé and they left me alone and I felt so bad like I had been so mean to her and to him. I realized I am miserable... I’m one of those miserable people and misery loves company. I want everyone else to feel as angry as I do because I feel so alone in this. I hate that I’m turning into a monster. I admitted this all to my fiancé later that night and he agreed that is what I’m doing. I want someone to blame and there’s no one to blame. I wish I had better coping skills. I would hate for this to rub off on my daughter. We have her in preschool now so I am alone during the day but even the few hours spent with her in the evening are hard for me. A few months ago I was an awesome mom, patient and attentive. I’ve changed so much in such a short time. I hate that this ha happened to me and I was not mentally equipped for this. I’m truly losing my mind. I don’t know what to do to deal with this. Maybe go back to counseling .... anyway thanks for listening y’all.

[plantsandtigers]

Hi Chessgirl,

I'm so sorry to hear this, it sounds like things have been very distressing on top of you being so ill. Please don't be hard on yourself, you don't want this and you don't deserve it. We always take out our frustrations on those we love the most, that makes you a human and not your mother. It's great that you have been so communicative with your partner and can admit to the tendencies you're noticing in yourself: when you're aware of these things you can make choices around them. I think that whatever support you can get for yourself will be helpful, you seem like a wonderful person and mother, but someone who needs extra support right now while things are particularly difficult.

It's incredibly unfair that you can't be adequately treated for the hypermesis, it makes sense that you're feeling so angry and bitter. Your anger is just, it's difficult though because there isn't someone to direct it out so it's coming out towards yourself and your family - this is understandable. When you feel down you want everyone to be down with you. I'm glad you're reaching out here. Counselling sounds like a great idea, somewhere to give you space to express any and all of your emotions in a safe way so that you don't feel so overwhelmed and unsupported.

Thinking of you and thanks for sharing.
plantsandtigers

[coconuts]

Hey its okay. Physical illness takes a toll. Add on to that the work you are doing to recover from abuse and learn how relationships should go and addictions. You really do have a lot on your plate. And this will NOT last forever. Even if every day seems to take a decade. Soon you will find the parts of you that you want to be again. You are tired, worn down, feel defeated. It's okay. No i don't think you are like your mother. I think you are struggling and need help and you feel like you cannot find an adequate amount. Its okay.

Here is to hoping it all improves and as it does your energy And sparkle come back.

Coconuts

[Chessgirl]

Plantsandtigers and coconuts,

Thank you so much for validating me. You have helped me to take it easy on myself . You both mentioned that I’m not really receiving adequate care and I do appreciate that. The ER doctors send me home with zophran (only a few day worth) every tome I go but my actual obgyn won’t prescribe it because he said it’s not their favorite to prescribe as it’s been associated with clept lip deformation in babies. The ER doctors told us that’s just not true and that that whole Argument is an insurance scam and was started by insurance companies to push certain meds. We did the research and looks like zophran is completely safe and night even lead to healthier pregnAncies and deliveries , less risk of emergency c section. So anyway my fiancé called the doctor and demanded they prescribe me Zophran. I’ve been taking a lot of it but it has helped some. I had a bad 36 hours and thought I was gonna die and that when he called. Made me so thankful.... I’m still so depressed . I appreciate y’all so much . It really helps to have someone to tell.

[coconuts]

I cannot believe they wouldn't give you Zofran!!!! That's insane. And where you were so sick. I pretty much survived on that stuff. I even had to get the melty tabs because just swallowing made me sick. My big problem with it was with my first few pregnancies my insurance would only allow me a few at a time. And only like 1 a day or maybe even less like 21 a month or something stupid. And i had to go pick them up weekly. It was way dumb. My later pregnancies the insurance was kinder.
Also, none of my kids have cleft lip.

Im just shocked they wouldn't. I kinda assumed you were on that and that it was just beyond that too. Oooph I'm so angry for you. It never made it all go away. I was still sick with Zofran but it enabled me to keep something down. Really the trick with it is to keep some in you all the time. Once you are back to insanely ill again it is harder to get control. I had to take a lot for a couple days and then more just regularly. That's why the stupid insurance made me mad with the first pregnancies. Cause once i was sick again it took so much more work to stabilize.

Im so sorry you are going thru this. Its a nightmare and people do not realized how awful it is and how hard it is to want to keep going, keep trying. If we didn't love these sweet babies i don't know how we would do it.

Im glad your fiancé backed you up. What a nightmare.

Safe (((((hugs))))) if wanted

[Chessgirl]

I know! I think that’s why I’ve been so angry. I mean every woman I’ve ever spoken to who has had hyperemesis has had zophran! It is expensive but we are chalking it up and paying. I’m taking a few a day... going through them fast. Thanks for the tips! And the support! Your help has been huge!

[Chessgirl]

Well I’m officially married. We went down to the clerk of court and got it done. Soon I’ll be on his insurance which will help with the cost of the pregnancy care. Running through my zophran a little too fast so I’ve gotta conserve it. Getting genetic testing done today. I’m hoping now that I’m 2nd trimester things will start looking up. We are moving out of our current house and it’s a wreck. Got a lot of work to do to get in the shape it was before we moved in... super stressed about it and the owner is coming to inspect it this weekend so I’ll be cleaning, sick or not, next few days. Hope everyone has a nice weekend and enjoys the 4th.

[Jonesy]

Hey Chessgirl

Congrats on your marriage! Hope you guys will be very happy together.
Take it easy with that cleaning, you have precious cargo inside

[Chessgirl]

Thank you Jonesy! I’ll try to take it easy

[coconuts]

Woohoo, congrats on the marriage and getting to the second trimester. It's always a bit of a relief and hopefully the sickness with will go away soon ( apparently that works for some people. Never did for me lol) anyways, sounds like you have a lot of your plate. Don't forget to take care of you as well.
Coconuts