On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

Progress
Thank you for the validation! You are so right about them being sly foxes. What you described about sneaking the paint color is exactly something my mil would do. My mom would have done something like that too but I cut contact with her. My mil is more well intended than my mother but she is still manipulative. In fact one time she told me “Chessgirl you know it’s ok to manipulate people if it is for their own good.” I remind my husband frequently about how she said that to me. He admits she can manipulative but he says not everything she does is manipulative and I accuse her of it too much. I’ve tried to explain to him that when a person gets used to being like that and sees no problem with it, they DO act that way all the time. I could name a hundred examples of times she has manipulated us over really petty stuff. Thank you for making me feel less crazy and dramatic about it. I felt like the left out loner when they ignored my question about the christoff question and then called my husband. Talk about triggering! It feels great to vent and be heard on here. I really appreciate your support and glad someone knows exactly what it’s like dealing with manipulative people, but then again I’m sorry you know the pain and struggle of it.

[Chessgirl]

I had to confront my mil yet again to reinforce yet another boundary she had broken. I was having my old friend and her daughter over for lunch and to see our now house, let our 2 daughters have a play date. My husband was there. This was Saturday. Before they got here my husband was in a real bad mood about having to have them over for lunch. I had to invite them because they bought us lots of gifts and cooked me a lasagna and if I hadn’t invited them over, they were gonna show up with the gifts anyway. Anyway, I asked my husband why he was so irritable about having them over and he revealed to me that his mother had been keeping a secret from me. They both had been.

While my husband and I were in Boston, my daughter stayed with his mother and she took our daughter to this girls birthday party (the one who was coming over for the play date Saturday) . Apparently at the party, this little girl was mean to my daughter. She’s a couple years older and she slammed the door in my daughters face and told her “babies aren’t allowed in my room” and it made my daughter cry. I asked his mother how the birthday went and she was quiet and said it went well but didn’t tell me any details. Then she told my husband this story and how she didn’t think my daughter should have any more play dates with this little girl. My husband just now finally revealed this story to me right before these people were about to arrive at our house. I was so mad that he and his mom didn’t just tell me about this earlier. I had a feeling something happened at the birthday party but she wouldn’t tell me. Then, when she finally told my husband, he also kept it from me. He said they were afraid I would be mad and it would cause conflict between me and my friend. They just thought I didn’t need to know! I told my husband that was bullshit and I sent his mother a message saying she needed to be honest at all times with me especially if it involves my daughters safety! She replied that she was afraid of my reaction and gave excuses as to why she did not tell me. She never apologized and then she said she feels like she can’t do anything right and I expect perfection from her! I told her that I have to lay down boundaries and I’m sorry if that makes her uncomfortable but she needs to respect that I have to have boundaries for my emotional safety and in order to feel comfortable and ok in this family. I said she has a problem with honesty and that I’m not the only family member who has had difficulties with her honesty. I said she thinks it’s ok to be indirect with people and keep secrets. I said not to take it personally and that I’m not attacking her, i just don’t love the way she handles things sometimes. I said she comes off manipulative and deceptive which triggers me and makes it hard to trust her. So then she took this text I sent as threatening and hurtful and told me she has never been manipulative in her life! She said I love you but I can’t do anything right....

This of course felt dismissive and causes a fight between me and my husband because I told him he needs to support me and back me up. He said that while I am correct and valid Im setting up boundaries, I do hold his mother to a higher standard than everyone else. I’m telling y’all we never fight anymore but we fought all night over this and it was exhausted. We finally had to drop it...

Today I decided I needed to have a sit down with his mom and she agreed to meet with me on Wednesday to talk in person. She feels attacked personally everytime I set a boundary. I think I’m going to explain to her that my doctor and therapist and support group have all agreed that setting boundaries is something I have to do. I’m going to explain (without going into too much detail) that I never was able to set boundaries with my family and I was hurt and taken advantage of because of it. With the family I have now, I never want to make that mistake again. I am going to explain that I need her to respect that for my mental health and emotional safety I need to set boundaries from now on with anyone. It might seem like I’m only doing it with her but that’s just because I interact with her the most in the family (besides my husband). I’m going to explain that if someone hurts my feelings wether it’s intentionally or unintentionally, I have to bring it to their attention or else I will bottle it up and resentment will grow. I’m hoping if I explain this need for boundaries a little more to her and make her see it’s not an attack on her personally that maybe she will be more receptive. Right now she’s real confused and thinks I’m being a bully. She doesn’t see this as a necessity for my mental health and emotional safety and trust. I hope it goes well. Having the house warming party next weekend so I’m real anxious to get this talk out of the way with her. I’m worried she’s going to be invalidating and denfensive again.

[Progress]

Hi Chessgirl!

I just wanted to send a quick reply about your visit with mil today.

I’m sorry if sometimes I come across as negative, or as if I know everything about your situation, or you, or the people in your lives.

But I did want to throw it out there- you might want to think about maybe not giving mil any reasons about why you are setting boundaries with her. If she is a true sly fox (or Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, which is a book I read a long time ago) she will be psyched to get information on you so that she can use it against you at a later time. If you show any vulnerability to a sly fox, they love to harm you with your weaknesses later.

I like to stay super cautious with people like that now, because they are not trustworthy. The less they know about you the better. It’s not a shame thing about your past. We have nothing to be ashamed of, our abuse was not our fault!

But sly foxes don’t deserve our trust.

And yeah, once your mil proved herself to be manipulative, you are now in a position where you have to verify everything she says and does. It’s exhausting! She even admitted it to you that she thinks it’s ok “to manipulate people if it’s for their own good”.

Why in the world does she think she knows best and that people shouldn’t make their own decisions?? Hmph.

You can ask her to always be upfront and honest with you from now on, but she may not even know how. Idk.

Apologies if this is overbearing!!!

Gotta run,
Progress

[Chessgirl]

Thanks progress!

I bumped the talk to Sunday, so we will go to lunch that afternoon. That’s actually a really good Suggestion about now sharing too much and making myself too vulnerable. Unfortunately she already does know a lot. In fact a long time ago, when my husband used to be on drugs, I threatened to call the police on him and have him arrested. I told his mother I was going to do this and she, knowing I had a screwed up relationship with my mother, called my mom and asked my mom to lie to the police and say I was crazy and on drugs so that they wouldn’t take her son to jail. She used my poor relationship with my abusive mother against me, to her advantage. My husband has since gotten sober and been sober for several years and he has apologized persistently but his mother never has. See she has a history of manipulation and unfortunately already know too much about me. Going forward, though, I will try not to share anything else personal or sensitive with her. Thanks for reminding me of that!

[Oceantide]

Hi Chessgirl,

It's great that you are setting boundaries. I agree with Progress that there's no need to explain why you set boundaries with the person you set them with (your mil). I know I can't take care of someone's feelings when I set a boundary (though sometimes I want to do just that). If they choose to take it personally (even though it's not personal), that's their business.

I hope your talk goes well, and that you can detach from her stuff (which is about her, not you), and navigate the conversation without being too vulnerable.

Wishing you well! Oceantide

[Chessgirl]

Thanks Oceanside,

I didn’t really think about not taking care of her feelings. I feel like because she expressed to my husband that it hurts her feelings that it’s my job to make sure she feels better about it.... but maybe I shouldn’t worry about that. A boundary is a boundary. There shouldn’t need to be an explanation. I appreciate your input thanks!

[coconuts]

It sounds like you are getting lots of good thoughts from others. I tend to be a people pleaser. Not wanting to rock the boat. But ive had to learn that i have to set boundaries too. At first i was terrible at it. I went from total door mat to total bitch. I didnt really know where the line was. It honestly took me a couple years. I think it's important that you get to control your life and be in charge of the things that affect it. Maybe finding some one liners to reply to her. I tell people "I respectfully disagree so i will be ......"
Or straight up assertive statements. "Anything that is regards to my childs well being must be brought to my attention so that we can work together to protect her. "

And withholding information is just as destructive to a relationship as straight up lying.

Maybe just telling her that you would be happy to have a relationship that is built on honesty, direct communication, and respect. Those things will build the family up far better than decietful attempts to manipulate and control. I tell my kids its all in the little things. The way you treat someone with the little things that seemingly don't matter, says a lot about how you treat them with the big things.

[Chessgirl]

Coconuts

Thank you for being so validating. My husband and mil have made me feel petty for bringing up the “small things” but you have made me feel less crazy about that. You are absolutely right that how a person handles the small things is a good indication of how they will handle the big things. I wasn’t sure how to articulate that before, but thank you for giving me the right words. Your support and validation have helped so much.

[Chessgirl]

I have not yet had the conversation about boundaries with my mil. The day we were going to do it, I had a terrible migraine and we just said we would do it another day. I am dreading it but I feel like I can’t ignore it either. I don’t want her to act defensive and confused every time I have to set a boundary. I also know I have to talk to her and try to come to understanding because I feel a lot of anger at her currently and I want that anger to go away. I feel so invalidated in general by so many people. There’s my biological family who gaslit and invalidated me. The extended family who were polite but slightly doubtful when I told them my story. There is my husbands family who have been invalidating in regards to my setting of Boundaries and my husband who defends them and doesn’t stick up for me. I feel invalidation coming at me from so many different directions. I feel unsafe and I want to move out of this city to cope with these feelings and get away from all the invalidation. I shouldn’t have to beg people to care about me. I feel like there must be something about me that makes people want to discredit, reject and dismiss me. I have found myself wanting to pay hundreds of dollars to take a lie detector test to send the results to my extended family so make sure they believe me. However I feel I shouldn’t have to go to such extreme lengths I’m so very angry and frustrated.

[earthhorse]

Ah most precious, extraordinary, talented, honest, beautiful person!

Chessgirl you are so real! You put into words what I can't find any way to express.

I just want to validate what you are saying. I don't have the answers. But you are so right to feel angry and frustrated and unseen. Talk about constant triggers!

I have experienced something very similar. My whole enormous extended family denies or ignores what happened. What I am dealing with is horrific but it's still just an inconvenience to most people, too much or they're not interested. It is shocking, people don't care, and sort of put up blocks to caring especially because what happened is real, and did happen. They just can't cope. Only you or I can...

I really think you need to speak to your husband too. He needs to stick up for you. It's not okay.

There is an enormous amount of victim blaming and toxicity in our families, institutions and culture. It's the rule not the exception.

Look you know it, so do I, it's a lonely road. I think for me I've gone a very cold route, I had to cut off everyone. My in laws know a little, they are supportive but I could never tell them how I feel Plus they live on the other side of the world. I think for you, you need and deserve support on so many levels. You are raising children. As painful as it is, sometimes we can't ever expect to be validated like we need by others, at least not so quickly., but people might have other things to give that we are happy to accept. It's just important to recognize the limitation isn't yours, and that it's possible to find what you need elsewhere.

You are so right to establish boundaries. Yet be careful to expect the worse, hope for the best. Your worth does not hinge upon their reactions to you and your story. It's triggering sure, but it's not the truth if that makes sense.

You are the bees knees.

Caring about you and celebrating you!

Love,
EH