On the Chessboard 2021

[coconuts]

Woohoo. Glad you are feeling better all the time. Such a relief. What a nightmare that all was.
I think the parents thing is so complicated. There is this giant loss. Not just for your actual family but for the family you deserved and should have had. A wishing for something you never had and probably never will. We are different. We do have contact with some of the abusive family. But we keep it safely distant. We actually didn't even see them for like 5 years when we first had kids. Maybe talked once a year in there. And we go years at a time without talking to bio mother. Its just better that way.
I think its a choose your hard situation. Its hard to keep them in your life and hard to cut them out. But what is the best or most possible scenario? Its sorta lose/ lose. No matter what we choose it sucks.
Anyways. Yay to a happy healthy family.

[Chessgirl]

Hey coconuts,
I’m sorry you know the difficulty of having a complicated parent situation. That’s interesting that you say it really is lose lose no matter what you decide. I think that’s why I struggle so much with it. Thanks for cheering me on throughout this pregnancy. You were right about the hypermesis and that it won’t lost forever. I’m so relieved. Thanks for popping in! Love hearing from you!

[coconuts]

Yeah, my t and i have talked about a lot of the crappy choices we are given. Like if i want to get better i need to deal with stuff but dealing with stuff is hard and it won't just go away. It just pops right back up. Like evil little gophers lol. Family is just this constant battle in my head. Every time im around them, even the ones i get along with I realize how much i just dont fit. And even though my dad is no longer abusive it is still very triggering. It's just my hard i guess.

Yes the hypermesis doesn't last forever but it sure feels like it in the middle. It's super hard to keep hope up when you are so blasted miserable and sick. When i got pregnant i never had the pleasure of keeping it secret for long because i would end up running for the bathroom too much and people would know. Or i would just disappear for a few months. Anyways glad it's getting better cause it sucks lol.
Are you going to find out the gender?

[Chessgirl]

Hey coconuts, yeah I understand the not fitting in even with the family members you get along with. It just sucks all the way around. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.

Today my husband and I got into a fight. First one in awhile. I told him I was feeling depressed today....because I feel like I have no parents and even though I get along with his parents I’ll never be able to fully trust them. If my husband left me they wouldn’t give a flip about me anymore and they are only nice to me because of him. I also explained that I’m still sometimes in shock at the horror of my childhood and the reality of my parents currently, just the kind of people they are. I find myself still sort of like “wow; I can’t believe this is even real.”

And anyway, my husband went on to tell me that I needed to forgive and move on or I would never be happy. That the best revenge is happiness and that I have no reason not to trust his parents. He says they do love me. This turned into a yelling argument which caused me to vomit. I told him he does not get to tell a survivor of child trauma when or how or if they should forgive their abusers. That it is ok if I choose not to forgive and that’s my choice! He said he would rephrase: then said “I would like to see you forgive them” it was just frustrating and felt invalidating. Felt like my feelings simply made him feel uncomfortable and he couldn’t handle it. He kept telling me his parents loved me and I said no they don’t and it’s ok that they don’t but I won’t be in denial about that! I said no one can love you like your own parents and if your own parents don’t love you, no one will ever love you that way...:I eventually just cried and he hugged me and said he should have phrased things differently and that he didn’t want me to feel invalidated. He was kind but I still feel that he just doesn’t get it or want to get it.

It’s got to be frustrating for him. He says he Just wants me to know I’m loved and I said I know he and my daughter love me but I won’t pretend like other people do when they don’t. The whole thing is frustrating for him and for me. I don’t know if anyone else has these kinds of conversations with their partners or loved ones, but it comes up with us every now and then. We even mentioned couples counseling today.

[plantsandtigers]

Hi Chessgirl,

I'm hopping on to reply because I resonate with a lot of what you're saying. I'm so sorry that you had the argument and that you felt so upset, but its understandable. I feel depressed about my past and my lack of family too, and although I love my partner's family I am also aware that if we broke up they would drop me, not because they are bad people but because that is an inevitable part of a break-up. And that can make me feel unsteady in relationship with them.

My partner and I had a huge talk last night and we've decided that we need couples counselling. We danced around it for a long time but I think we're both at the point where it needs to happen. It's just so hard for both people in a relationship when one is a survivor of childhood abuse. It causes so many frustrations, misunderstandings, miscommunications. And I think a therapist will be able to help us both be heard, at least I hope so. It's scary to think what might happen during this process, I don't want us to break up but I'm afraid that will happen.

Anyway I wanted to share that because its so fresh for me too, and I get where you're coming from. The struggle between wanting to be loved and accepted, and trying to love and accept yourself, while trying to accept and process a very traumatic past. It's no picnic.

Sending you strength and good thoughts,
plantsandtigers

[coconuts]

I think it is impossible for someone to understand how that feels unless they experience it. To have your foo not care or love you. To be abandoned, betrayed, exiled, and villainized by the people who should love you. To feel if you can't even get your own mother to love you, how can you expect anyone else to. That perhaps that means on some level you are unlovable.
Yes his mother is supportive and loving but it still isnt the same. It doesnt replace the loss. And telling someone to forgive and forget is less than helpful. It just doesn't work like that. And maybe someday you can, maybe you won't. What's most important is that you find healing and learn how truly wonderful you are. How very important your existence is. How very lovable you are.
Ive decided forgiveness is more important towards ourselves. I need to forgive myself for not being enough. For the ways i hve screwed up. For the ways my life shaped me to be weak. I know it shaped some of me to be strong but lets be honest, trauma messes with us and we are all here because it has stolen something from us and given us challenges we wouldnt have otherwise.
Acceptance, validation, understanding, patience and huge doses of love are what we need. It wont always feel this way. But right now it does. Its okay
Coconuts

[Harmony]

Hey chessgirl,

It must be something in the air. We had similar miscommunication episode at our house. I tried to spot where things went bad. The key for me as a survivor of a very unhealthy childhood seems to be the issue of validation. My parents spent a lot of time invalidating nearly everything in my life. They didn't show up, they didn't foster safety, they didn't listen and most of never accepted my version of things. I was never believed. Invalidation was big part of the hurt. Needless to say I get stuck feeling this way as an adult with little provocation. So I went on an internet search for help. I did was find an online video by a therapist who talked about validation in relationships. It apparently is important to both give and receive validation. So this survivor is going to try listen, and walk a mile in my other half's shoes a bit. I will validate his feelings. I also expect him to see things from my perspective. Give and take. So different from the authoritarian home I grew up in.

So anyway there are my two cents worth. I hope you and I both feel better about things.

hang in there,
Harmony

[Chessgirl]

Plantsandtigers, coconuts and harmony,

I’m sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I have read your responses multiple times and each one of you helped me so much. I’ve been so much better about laying down boundaries with my partner and with his family. I have talked to him about what are triggers of mine. He has been very responsive and told me what are some of his triggers as well. I guess he still has nightmares about me leaving or cheating on him so he asked that I don’t ever say “I’m going to leave or I want to leave” again. He asked that if I need time away to breathe or have distance from him that I don’t ever phsycially leave in the car anymore. What I would do sometimes is drive up to the park, but he says that triggers him so now I just go sit on the front porch or walk around the yard to have some time to myself. When things escalate and we begin to yell that’s when I have to walk away for a bit, but I had no idea it was so triggering for him. I did not realize that my leaving and cheating in the past had such a negative effect on him. I realized that he is actually traumatized by what I did. He now sees that when he is invalidating to me, it triggers me because I was invalidated my entire childhood and even adulthood and I break down when I begin to feel invalidated again. We are really doing better now. We moved into our new house and it’s just like a dream come true. I frequently feel like I do not deserve this and it’s so surreal I can’t even believe it sometimes.

On a different topic, I have not obviously spoken to my parents or even grandmother or extended family in a long time. There was talk with my aunt I had several months back and then I informed my aunt about my recent marriage but ever since then, not a word. I do not want to have my parents in my life and debating whether or not I want to meet my grandmother or possibly bring her over to my new home or not... for lunch. My grandmother and grandfather were Magical and at times, loving, people but they also raised my mother and turned her into the monster she is today. They scapegoated my aunt and put my aunt through the hell my mom put me through when she was growing up. That’s how my mom learned her ways of making one child the golden child and the other the scape goat. It was learned. I resent my grandparents for that... but lately many happy and magical memories of my grandparents keep cropping up and I can’t ignore the good times I had with them. They took us to Disney several times. My grandfather built me dollhouses and a treehouse. They built sand castles eith us at the beach. Everytime I spent the night at their house I got to escape the abuse that was going on at home. Even though my grandparents were abusive and emotionally incestuous with my mother and aunt, they didn’t do that stuff to us. They favored my brother but they still showed me love too. It was different from the way my parents favored my brother, where they totally outcasted me and abused and demonized me. My grandparents were at times very loving to me, but they just made it clear they favored my brother. It was a less Damaging way of favoring him. Still though, my mom learned her ways from my grandparents and I will always be upset with them for that. For turning my mom is a malignant narcissist and danger to my life. If you can’t tell, I’m very confused and am frequently at war in my head about my grandparents. My dads parents I know loved me the right way and I will forever admire and respect and honor them. But it’s my mothers parents who I go back and forth with loving and hating. It’s hard not to think of them as my grandmother gave me all her furniture when she moved out of her house and into my parents “cottage” on their compound. I frequently look at the furniture and see flashbacks of the times spent at their house, many of which were happy memories. I rmemenber being sad a lot too though because my reality was so sad and depressing. Anyway; just thought I’d share about this tug of war going on in my head. Wishing everyone positive and healing energy this summer. Been thinking of you all. Oh yeah forgot to mention I found out I’m having a girl! It’s been an exciting time for us.

[plantsandtigers]

Hi Chessgirl,

Ah that is very exciting about your little girl, and I'm happy to hear that you love your new house. I feel like survivors appreciate when good things happen even more than most, because we're so surprised by it. You certainly do deserve it. But I know how unfamiliar peace and joy can feel - I hope the undeserving feelings can move out of the way so that you can enjoy this.

Thanks for sharing your feelings about your mother's parents. I know what you mean - I think my mother's mother was quite controlling and possibly abusive to her, but she was always so good to me and she always felt like the only person in the family who really got me and saw when I was in pain. It's confusing when all of these contradictions are going on in the family. Here with you in the confusion, a place we all know well.

plantsandtigers

[Chessgirl]

Plantsandtigers,

Thank you for the excitement about the house and baby! You are so right that survivors appreciate good things because we are so surprised pleasantly by them! I’m so very sorry you understand the confusion of these contradictory feelings with family members. I’m really struggling with these feelings lately and so part of me just wants to hide and never see any of my family again...even if I love some of them deeply. It’s too much to try to make sense of. But then I lay in bed at night thinking of them, like my grandparents. I know you can relate. Thank you for writing and sharing your experiences