On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

Thank you so much coconuts!

That you found your voice. Like crow said, what they do with your story is not up to you. But telling it w

Exactly. I do find myself worrying that they may talk to my parents and change their minds about believing me. Thanks for reminding me that I did do my part in all of it.

[Chessgirl]

Hey everyone.

I am not allowed to tell anyone about this and it’s killing me. My partner suggested telling you all here at isurvive. I’m pregnant! We had been trying past couple of months. We are in a spot where we can do it, I’m doing so well with my sobriety and haven’t had any bad episodes in awhile so I figured it was ok. Last time I was pregnant I had
No trouble with relapse or even cravings. I know it won’t be a problem but one mistake I won’t make this time, is
Underestimating post partun because that’s when the cravings for alcohol came back. I will fully prepare myself this time. I really think it’s gonna be fine. The only other concern is being so sick the whole 9 months. Last time I threw up The entire pregnancy and it was so hard on me. Now I have a 2 year old so it will be more tough. Speaking of my 2 year old... ugh, it’s sad when your toddler starts saying “mama wake up!” When she notices you are dissociating. She sees that my eyes are open and I’m not asleep, but I guess she also can tell I’m not totally “awake” either. She doesn’t like it when she sees me zoned out so she yells mama wake up! I really want this dissociating to stop being such a problem. I hate that it bothers my toddler. Anyway, trying to count my blessings and be super positive and grateful instead of focusing on negative stuff.
Might be challenging to though as pregnancy always brings many unwanted symptoms for me like nauseous, heart burn, insomnia! Thanks for listening everyone. Wishing our all a peaceful weekend.

[Crow]

Hi Chessgirl,

(In a hushed whisper...) Congratulations!
Just short of three years is a good gap - there's two months short of three years between my two and it's a nice gap.

Sorry to hear that your daughter is picking up on your dissociation. That's difficult for you and for her. I don't have much in the way of suggestions to help though.

Just wanted to drop in and say "yay" before I head off to bed for the night.

Crow

Edit: To correct grammar.

[Chessgirl]

Thank you so much Crow! I think 3 years is good too. Have a good night sleep!

[coconuts]

Woohoo, congrats. I suffered terrible morning sickness almost the whole time too. Ugh. It was awful. Especially with the twins. Good that you are prepared for what might happen after.

Coconuts

[dancingfish]

Aww congratulations Chessgirl! :D What wonderful news, how very exciting for you all! You're already a fantastic Mom, and I'm very sure you'll give your new little one such a wonderful life too. :) Here's to the interim months not being too uncomfortable for you, and all my best wishes and support to you. :)

[Chessgirl]

Coconuts and dancingfish,

Thank you both so much!

[Chessgirl]

Y’all I’m not doing so well. I knew it I got pregnant I would probably be very ill but I never thought it would be this hard. With a toddler it’s really scary because she stares at me while I’m getting sick or she will run off and get into stuff and I’ll be too weak to chase after her. Also I spent my stimulus on a weekend getaway at this condo on the beach and it’s been a nightmare. The bed is tiny and the three of us share a bed at home but it’s a king. This has been so uncomfortable for us squeezing in a double bed. We actually drove home and spent the night home the first night and came back the next morning... I’ve had to crawl to the bathroom every 5 seconds. My fiancé has been very helpful but my bad attitude and constant complaining gets to him which I get. We actually fought the first night over my negative attitude which is what prompted us driving home the first night. He keeps telling me I have to stay positive and think positive. I know it’s not fair to bring him down just because I’m feeling low but I don’t want to force myself to feel happy when I’m miserable either. It’s just been so rough.... when I really feel low it makes me think of my childhood and I’ve even broken down and cried a few times. I feel like life is unfair but really I know I’m actually very lucky and have many blessings. Trying to hold it together. I told him this may have been a bad idea but it’s a little too late to look into an abortion and I wouldn’t be able to go through with that either . Gotta go I’m feeling sick. Needed to vent

[Crow]

Hi Chessgirl,

That sounds so rough. And add to the complexity of childhood trauma the fact that your hormones will be all over the place, I'd try to go easy on yourself.

I told him this may have been a bad idea but it’s a little too late to look into an abortion and I wouldn’t be able to go through with that either .

I can say from experience, that with existing mental health struggles and childhood trauma too, if you were to go down that route you would be changed forever. People told my wife and I that we'd be okay, but taking into account my mental health struggles, and my history, I can tell you that you aren't just okay after something like that. My wife was not and is not okay since. I know our situation was not clear cut, and it wasn't a choice we wanted either, but I just want you to know that it isn't all happy days if that choice is taken. I'm forever changed because of it, and my wife is too.

You'll be okay Chessgirl. In the grand scheme of time, your baby will be here so soon. I know that is probably easy for me to say.

Crow

[Chessgirl]

I believe you are absolutely right crow. That decision is one that would haunt us forever. I’m so sorry you and your wife had to experience that. Thanks for pointing out that in the great scheme of time, the baby will be here soon...before we know it. It’s just a rough patch and I know I wil make it through! Your words are helpful.