Kokoschka says...

[coconuts]

Agreeing with chessgirl. She doesnt have enough empathy ro understand that it was hurtful, even if it was years ago. Some people cannot see themselves and accept that they screwed up.

Hoping those felines are doing great and keeping you entertained. Cats are awesome. So full of attitude. I feel like you are a perfect cat person. Fiesty enough to deal with their sass but compassionate enough to love them and care for them. I keep debating getting another cat from the shelter. My h would love one. But our life is an endless round of crazy lately so its not the right time.

Coconuts

[Kokoschka]

Thank you so much There, Chessgirl, Coconuts for reading and responding and Coconuts, also for the compliments on my language skills.

She suggested we talk "a bit" today so she just whatsapped me saying she has 20 minutes now or we could talk later. I get it that she's quite busy and doesn't want it to be a long talk but l'm also offended. Either she wants to talk to me or not. It's not like we talk everyday, last time we talked was weeks ago and before that, months. I see her constantly online on whatsapp. But WHAT THE HELL!
Why bother you all with that.

Thanks Chessgirl for enlightening me on the su. And Coconuts, l'm so sorry this ist still present in your system.

I remember being 26 once... that was after l quitted my apartment, l had been fired from my job, and returned home. My parents picked me up as l was having the flue or something, an E dr. I called gave me some shot that made me go on some kind of cold turkey for 3 days, it was horrible. The ride home was already a nightmare with me falling asleep and being brutally shaken awake every 5 minutes by my own system going berserk.

Peace with mother didn't last long... especially since she wasn't the Florence Nightingale resurrected. If she had to give me some medicine she was impatient, once l swallowed, she kind of pulled the spoon out of my mouth and up my nose, brutal. So mostly my father took over, as l said, he was kind, loving, supportive and immensely patient. Right, the point if this story? So once l got "acclimated" again l fell into such a dark hole that l started talking about su. Don't think l would have done anything. But I had also made up my mind that if l don't marry by the time l'm 26 then l'm going to end my life. 26?? Don't ask me why. So anyway, my parents got scared and after consulting the family dr. they schlepped me to see a psychiatrist.
The guy asked me if l liked dogs, jeans, blah blah blah, prescribed some anti stuff and sent me home. My mother started whining about how awful it was to see me in that condition. Her limited compassion soon ended though and she demanded that l leave home. "It's either her or me" she spoke so some connections were pulled and her, by then, married sister agreed to have me. I came along with litter box and blanket so l didn't cause too much inconvenience.

This isn't as funny as l'm trying to make it sound. Contrary to my parents, my aunt lived in a big and horrible city so l soon found a job which, except for being out of my dear mother's hair, was the main point of this move. And a new chapter in that misery called my life, began.

If you've made it this far, hope l didn't bore you to tears, thanks so much for reading. Kokoschka

[coconuts]

Your story reminds me of how I always felt to my family. Like they were obligated to take care of me whether they wanted to or not. And they made it clear as well. Offing me to the next relative. My senior year my dad retired a few months before I graduated and moved to anothwr state. Moving a couple months before graduation is kind of impossible. So i lived with a friend. Yep still in high school.

Once I graduated I thought I would go spend the summer with my parents before college started. But alas the house they bought happened to not have enough room for me so I couldnt stay with them. So my grandmother took me in. This wasnt some ideal situation, she is not a nice woman. I spent the summer there and then went to college in the fall where I lived in the dorms about 2 miles from my parents house. I didnt see my parents at all.

Sometime in the spring I got my wisdom teeth pulled. It was bad. My parents sent me to like the cheapest place possible that insurance covered. It was bad. The numbing medicine wore out the the dentist said to just deal with it. Healing was awful and I was stuck in a dorm with dormitory food which is not exactly soft so I just didnt eat at all. My church leaders caught wind of this. Came and picked me up and whisked me to their house where the wife lovingly tucked me into bed and filled my belly with tapioca and mashed potatoes and anything smooth she could make. Then she gave me medication every 4 hours. Even thru the night, waking me just enough to get the meds in so I didnt fall back into the deep pain again. I stayed with them for a week and was utterly shocked to ve treated with such kindness. It was next level.

So much for family when i found such better care from strangers. Between this lovely woman and my foster families I found way more care outside than inside my family. I do wish some people like that had been dropped into your life. Even if for just a week like the wisdom teeth lady. I felt absolutely spoiled and unworthy but sank into it with some sort nervous desperation

[Kokoschka]

Achhh, this is just me venting

We live in a rather nice rural area and we happen to rent right across from the commercial center. School is just a block away and kids come here at around 11.30 am and won't leave for hours. I don't mind them being here but they won't stop yelling, screaming and shrieking and it just drives me mad. Really, it's so annoying and infuriating. The place is quiet affluent (we aren't) so kids get enough money to buy lunch and stuff instead of going home. I wonder what kind of mother will tolerate that her kid stays away for hours into the evening, even. If one happens to show up in her 4x4 she'll just stand in the middle of the street and "blow the horn" insistently until her kid recognizes his mother's call and will detach himself from the other kids.

[dancingfish]

Gah that sounds frustrating, Kokoschka! Particularly when you'd much more appreciate some quiet that isn't kids shrieking. How annoying.

[Chessgirl]

Kokoschka,
That sounds super annoying. I learned, as a preschool teacher, that it was usually the poor parenting that bothered me more than the naughty children. Some parents just let their kids run wild! Haha feel free to vent as much as you want! We all do it!

[coconuts]

Oy Kokoschka. That sounds super annoying. Having them loudly hanging about for no particularly great reason. Vent away. Especially when its a situation you cnt really do anything about but it still bugs. Blech.

[Kokoschka]

Thank you all ladies for commenting.
I wonder if my hyper-sensitivity might have something to do with my abuse issues. I kind of take it all really personally though the kids don't even know me. It's like it's being done against me. Anyway, l called the local security and the girl sent someone over. It got better then.

The kids have really everything, the newest bikes, rollers and whatever these are called. There are tons of playgrounds, soccer and basketball fields. Sport centers and country club, reopened again. And the kids will hang around this Mexican restaurant like their lives depended on it. Achhh, l sound like my mother.

[Chessgirl]

I certainly don’t think you are too sensitive though. I’m sure other neighbors have gotten infuriated with these kids too. I like how you stand up for yourself in situations like this. So glad you called someone about this. It’s not like you ran out there and screamed at the kids. I know I would have been tempted to do that. Out of curiosity, are these teenage kids or little kids? Really does seem odd for parents to let them run wild for hours.

[Kokoschka]

This friend l was talking about called yesterday and we had a long talk. She felt so sorry she didn't realize how bad things were for me. Said, and she's right, that my mother was always super nice to her when she came to my house. And l guess l never told her about the beatings, etc. Maybe l was ashamed and it wasn't politically correct to speak badly of your mother. Don't remember. Like most parents back then her father would have a easy hand and beat her and her siblings but she admitted that there was also love and care there and l remember how l loved to go to her house.

My mother had this narcissistic streak in her and she loved showing off what a good mother she was by going to people's house and getting books for me. People knew l loved to read and would invite me to come over and pick through their book stands but l didn't dare to go. I was too clumsy, ashamed, awkward so she went and everyone could appreciate her sacrifice.

I mentioned that this friend works at a after school care center and she's taken in a 5 year old boy. She has the necessary degrees, the child needs care desperately so authorities agreed despite her age. She feeds him, bathes him and he goes home only to sleep. He gets beaten, cursed at by his mother. His 8 year old brother was dispatched to boarding school already.

My friend said she was encouraged to this step especially after hearing my story.