Kokoschka says...

[Kokoschka]

When my parents and l moved abroad, l was 10 y/o, we went to live in this little rural place. I became an attraction for the kids, my looks, my clothes, not speaking the language, the brand new bike with white rubber tires...
So kids would come from all over to have a look and get a ride on the bike. In time my "newness" wore off and only a few remained.
And then even less as my awkwardness, my sadness must have chased them away.

Coming from a big city l wasn't used to run around barefoot and crawling everywhere so l developed this ugly and nasty skin allergy in both hands and feet. Looking back l think my mind, body, soul were trying to say something by letting that happen and it manifested itself physically. All the sadness, fear and depression went unnoticed so my system thought it now had to be seen. It was treated but not correctly for a long time, so it got worse and worse. It wasn't at all contagious but still understandably, the kids stayed away as if l were a leper. Their parents also saw to it... After many awful months in which l missed school, could hardly walk or use my hands a capable professional was found and it soon began to improve. To make this long story short, my mother showed no pity, she was relentless and inconsiderate, she showed no compassion, let alone love Treatments were rigorous and painful and she had no patience. It ended with her yelling at me and me besides the pain and misery, bursting out in tears. I'm lucky she didn't hit me then. So my father took over and patiently treated me. Which p***** her off the more as she was also jealous of my father's attention to me.

I remember as a little kid when she'd tuck in my shirt or underwear she was so rough that l'd be "thrown around" while she was doing it as if l was something distasteful, don't know.

[coconuts]

Oh Kokoschka, its so sad that when you needed care and compassion your mother just ridiculed you. As if it was your fault for not getting better and for getting ill in the first place. Ugh. She sounds like a horrid person and so difficult to grow up with. Confusing really. To be treated so harshly for just existing.

Coconuts

[Kokoschka]

Thanks Coconuts,

Think you're right, it had to do with my mere existence and with the fact that l was female. That's what my brother said back then when he was among us and we still talked. She never treated him this way. She was kind to him, never hit or cursed him.

Kokoschka

[Kokoschka]

Feel like popping a few valium and going to sleep for long, for ever. But these don't work that way.
Getting mad, angry, losing it is something I do but each time it happens I'm amazed at the rage ensuing and how my adrenaline / bp are going from low to sky high. My husband feels depressed which I understand, we don't own the depression dept. everyone has a right to feel so.
but he went to bed and I hate it when he does that. I hate being left alone, it's like he detaches himself and I'm left out there in the cold.
I wrote before that the cats are costing us all our income and that my husband does menial work to make ends meet. So we don't own a car, we go nowhere, even before the covid. We do mostly the same everyday. Nothing ever changes. We have no friends, it's just us and the cats, the books, the music and the garden. I know it's a lot and quite a few people would like to be in OUR situation. I'm not complaining, it's nobody's fault, neither ours actually because I don't regard helping and caring for the cats as a fault. I'm just stating a fact, describing a situation. And that this gets on our nerves once in a while is understandable.

But when he does that, detaches himself, I'm immediately transported back to those horrid times when he was still on the substance and I was left with the rage and hatred all on my own. He would leave and be gone for long hours, come back, sleep it off and leave again. When he does that now, goes to bed in the middle of the day, all the hatred and rage are back again up front and take over. I just threw a big coke bottle out of the fridge and on to the floor, luckily it was almost empty. I'll go pick it up then. It may sound here as if I make light of the situation like it was some kind of a joke. It was hell, I wish I could erase all the pain and hurt and sorrow, all the horrible days and hours I spent on my own. I used to cry rivers back then but I guess I'm all cried out now.

Chessgirl, sometimes I wish I could have one of those big cries to clean up the system but I'm (superstitious) terrified something will happen to give me a real reason to cry.

I think I wrote about that millions of times already. I do miss not having any friends, people who will accept me the way I am with my issues, awkwardness and weirdness, whatever, I would accept them too of course and we could be friends. Not tons of people just a few. So that when the grim reaper comes, someone, except for the cats, will notice we're not around anymore .No, seriously, we get along fine but sometimes you need someone to talk to, to exchange some of the thoughts going on in your mind, comment on a book or how the bread turned out. You know what I mean. My husband isn't such a society guy, neither am I actually but he needs it even less than I do. What he'd like is to be able to afford a car and for us to go see something of the country on his time off. He's a good swimmer, loves to swim so take a trip to the beach for the day, go abroad for a few days, see something of the world. I mean we both love the cats to pieces but as I said, sometimes you need sometime else, more... We're also not getting any younger and I can't avoid feeling that time is running out on us. If you made it down here thanks for reading, Kokokschka.

[Chessgirl]

Oh kokoschka,
I can see how you would feel a lot of anger. You don’t have as many friends and people as you’d like to enjoy life with. Your husband going to sleep and leaving you alone, that would be beyond frustrating. Like I said in my last post I am so mad and he’s the only one there so sometimes I let it out on him. I know you love your husband and are probably so proud of him for kicking the substance abuse habit. I know how traumatizing and utterly depressing it is to be with a alcholic or addict. My partner is clean and doing amazing now, but many years ago he was an addict who would leave in the middle of the night. Pawn our nice things. I would sometimes cut myself or hurt myself because I couldn’t handle the pain of it all. I would imagine you probably have flashbacks and memories of your husbands substance abuse frequently. I wish you two could get away and do some bonding together. You sound like a lovely couple and I know if I lived there, I would truly love to spend time with you. I love people who are quirky and awkward and just themselves like myself haha. Makes me feel free to be me.

I really don’t want to step out of line by asking this, but I can’t help but wonder. Is there anyway you may want to rehome some of your sweet cats? Maybe it’s worth looking into because 25 is a lot kokoschka. You deserve to have the happiest and most joyful life full of adventure and companionship and peace. I know you probably love all of them like they are your own children, but you also need to put you first. I don’t know if that would be a solution or not, but I know you and your husband deserve to have a high quality of life and do the things you want to do. What are your thoughts on that?

I’m so sorry you feel this rage right now and sadness. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I wish you would have a good cry. It releases endorphins that make you feel good and calm. I’m still trying to find more ways to cope with my anger and anxiety in healthier effective ways. I’ll let you know if I come up with any other ideas that might help us. I do hope you find some peace and happiness this weekend. Maybe you and your husband can cuddle up and watch a movie. I don’t know if you have HBO but there’s a new documentary series about Woody Allen ChilD abuse allegations. It was hard to watch but I’m glad I did. I used to love him but was quite surprised and disturbed when I saw it. I thought Of you because I know you loved woody Allen too.

[coconuts]

Hey Kokoschka, so sorry that you are feeling all this right now. Understanding it. I related to your statement on not owning the depression department. Something inside me gets real angry when my husband geta depressed. Like " um, thats my job, and I have a hard enough time mentally handling my own depression let alone yours asshole. " and i struggle having the compassion I should have.
And if it gets bad enough it reminds us of the way he used to be and just like you expressed, thats not exactly positive reminders.
I also wish for a good cry. I cant cry. I hate it. I want to. I really do, but I cant. There was a lot of bad consequences as a child to crying. Ive cried as an adult. But its usually been something very related to my adult life, death of my sister, saying goodbye to my son for 2 years etc.

I love people who can just be themselves. I find them refreshing. Honest. I dont have to wonder if they like me or not. I dont have to wonder if they are mad at me or not. And even if they are mad, usually a conversation and its over and they move right along. No harsh feelings hanging on. Its such an opposite to what I lived as a child. Where everything seemed unpredictable and unknown.

If we lived in remotely similar time zones Id have more timely replies to your comments. I certainly appreciate your kindness and comments and conpassion on my threads. I swear you are like on the opposite side if the world as me...lol... lets see its 9:36 am here... wondering what the time difference is for you.
Coconuts

[Kokoschka]

It's 21.51 pm on a Saturday night here right now and l think l'll call it a night. I'll get back to you two tomorrow Sunday

[coconuts]

Ha thats like a 10 hour difference. Whats it like living a half a day ahead?...lol.
Hope you sleep well
Coconuts

[Kokoschka]

Hi Coconuts,
I'm a very trendy girl, always with one foot in the future
I do sleep well mostly and when them felines don't invade my privacy and demand to be let out at 3 in the morning Tonight l was in some huge pet store and people were buying green parakeets and stucking them in a plastic bag. I got so annoyed and was telling the store owner and my husband about it. There were also huge snakes crawling into this waterhole.

But back to reality, thanks for commenting and the good words.
You are right, there's something about it being my right and privilege to be depressed. He f***ed up so much and so often, so tough luck, now live with it. Besides, men cough once and it's the lung C (god forbid) spreading and if they sneeze it's the pneumonia getting worse. So l find it difficult to believe him... but this morning he got his S together and trimmed the grape vine, cleaned the windows and felt much better afterwards, his words

How did you sleep? Hope you have a peaceful Sunday Kokoschka

[Kokoschka]

Hello Chessgirl,
How are you today, it's 10.34 am on a Sunday here

Thanks for the good words.
I'm glad your partner is doing so well now. Him having had his problems too puts him in a better position to understand and give you the support you need. There's nothing like walking in somebody elses's shoes first

You're not stepping out of line about the cats.
Our vet has "forbidden" us to take in any long ago. When she posts in FB for other people having kittens to give away and l call, she always says YOU're not getting any! Unfortunately there aren't enough compassionate people who know what it takes and are willing to commit. Besides, l, respectively my husband don't trust anybody. There are sanctuaries, refuges here with beautiful people doing everything for the poor forsaken animals but they are over crowded, always in need of money and nobody is willing to take in cats. Private people who have cats are full to the top too.
And even if it where feasible, selecting who gets to stay and who goes, imagining those faces in the box being taken away, that's too much. We can't do that. Since the covid started my husband has also been feeding the strays twice a day. Some other people do that too but not regularly and cats need to eat everyday too, right? Especially now when it's still so cold.

I love Woody Allen but l could never stand Mia Farrow. There's something in her face/eyes, like she'll throw the stone but hide the hand doing it, if you know what l mean...
She's got something of a psycho behind those glasses of hers, squinting like that . Nothing against glasses, l wear some too

Hope you're all having a lovely Sunday, Kokoschka