My grandmother

[Chessgirl]

Hey everyone. I’m in a stressful situation with my family. So some of you probably know I cut my parents out of my life 2 years ago shortly after my daughter was born. Everything started turning around for me when I did this. I was able to live in reality instead of in denial about how messed up everything was. When they are in my life, I’m an emotional mess and It drives me to drink. Not to mention they have proven to be unsafe for me. They will call and get me fired from jobs or do something to screw my life up every time we get into a fight they start plotting. I have to walk on eggshells and it was taking so much out of me. We did offer family counseling to repair our relationship but they of course refused so we haven’t spoken to them since. The problem is my brother and his family live on this commune type thing with my parents and my elderly grandmother also lives there. I had to basically stop seeing my grandmother (who I’ve had a decent relationship with) ever since I cut my mom and dad off. In order for me to see my grandmother I would have to see my parents each time and I don’t think I can do that.
I called my grandma today to wish her a happy birthday (we share a birthday) and she begged me to see my daughter. I don’t know what to do. My grandma only has a few years left. She was always good to me.... I feel so much guilt. It’s not only that I would have to see my parents to see her but also I think I might sort of resent her. I used to call her growing up after my mom would beat me or say horrible things to me and she would comfort me but never did anything to stop the abuse. Also my mother hates my grandma (her own mother). My mom claims that when my granddad would abuse her growing up she just sat there and did nothing. Part of me blames my grandma for turning my mom into the monster she is today. I’m having a really hard time figuring out what to do about my grandmother.

[coconuts]

Oh Chessgirl that is a lot to sort through. Ive had to do some sorting myself. I once struggled badly with a person from my life who offered me both comfort/compassion and yet also helped my abusers. I was embarassed to admit that i still felt a longing for her. My therapist told me I didnt have to throw out the goos with the bad. Yes she was involved in some awful things, but I could be greatful for the goodness she brought me while also no okay with the injury. So i learned to be realistic. Yes she hurt me. But yes she was a source of hope. Sometimes my only little spark of hope in all that darkness. And for that I am greatful to have at least had her there. I think that could maybe be the same with your grandmother.
As for visiting her. I think you definitely need to think about the safety of your daughter over the desires of an older woman who may be hurt but will be okay if you dont. What will the consequences be of both choices. And what is safest. Either way there will be some level of emotional angst. Im fairly logical. I make pros and cons lists and try and see every angle before i do something like this. That way i make sure that i did the best i can to protect myself and my kids. Cause they come first.

Coconuts

[Chessgirl]

Coconuts, your words really help me put everything into perspective. Thank you. I think you are right that I can have a relationship with her even though she enabled my mother. She always tried to make me feel loved in her own ways. I don’t know if I will be able to see her. I might see if I can pick her up for lunch one last time so she can see my daughter. After that I think we will have to limit our relationship to phone conversations. I’ll just have to wait and see how it all pans out. Thanks again
Chessgirl

[Kokoschka]

Hello Chessgirl,
I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you did. You are very brave. This is thinking about YOURSELF for once and putting both your wellbeing and your daughter's first. Of course it's a very difficult decision but seeing how damaging both were and are to you, in my opinion it's really the best you could do. Wish l could have been that brave. Maybe, as you wrote, you could really take your granny out for lunch, without having to come to the house and meet your parents as well. I understand she is aware of the situation so it wouldn't seem strange to her.
Despite all the misery and pain she caused me l remained hooked to my mother for life. I moved to another country when l was 27 and my parents followed less than two years later. It was in part my fault as l encouraged them, l felt so alone. I didn't realize back then that you take yourself along when you leave.

Like your granny, my father was kind and loving, he was always there for me and l guess that's why l never had the courage to go and stay away.

[Chessgirl]

Kokoschka,
Thank you for cheering me on. It really feels refreshing to have people validating me and supporting me like this. I’m glad you had your dad and I can understand wanting them to be closer to you after moving to a new country. That must have been scary. I wish your dad stood up for you more, but like coconuts said we don’t have to throw out the good with the bad. Gotta remind myself of this frequently.
Chessgirl