You carry the cure in your own heart...

[Kokoschka]

Hi, l guess some of you must have read Andrew Vachs's article above. For me, it was an eye opener and a shock to finally realize what is really "wrong" with me. I kept asking myself a life long why were all these horrible things happening to me, again and again and again... l wasn't sexually abused but other than that l went through hell. Beginning with a physically, verbally and emotionally abusive mother. Hitting, cursing and wishing me dead almost on a daily basis. She controlled both me and my father with her moods and tantrums. Very late in life she confessed to having regarded me as her rival for my father's feelings. I know my father wasn't strong enough to protect me but he was the one to show me any love, attention, care. He took time to help with my homework, he "negotiated" with her on my behalf... to let me out of the dark bathroom where she'd lock me to teach me a lesson when hitting wasn't enough. In my stupidity l must have told some kids about the locking in so when l went to their houses they'd lock me in too and have a good time at my expense. I had enough food, pretty clothes for every time of the day and obsessive medical attention as l wouldn't eat. I see it with my cats today, how most of them will go for their food bowl when petted and lovingly spoken to. My mother's idea of touching was hitting.
I was a failure in school and so ashamed and humiliated by my poor grades. Kids abused me and made fun of me everywhere. My mother would scold them and then put the blame on me. I was rejected and bullied everywhere. My only asset, l was never good looking, were my thick curls that she wouldn't let me grow long but had chopped off, making me look like an ass. My sadness, insecurity and body language made me always a target for bullies to make fun of me. Being invited to school parties was always a nightmare, l was terrified of what the kids/boys would say to me if they didn't ignore me in the first place which was mostly the case. My mother always wished me a loving husband but one that gives me a good spanking once in a while to set me straight. She finally stopped hitting me when l was 14. Someone encouraged me to tell her that l'd hit back if she ever touched me again. She had no lack of resources to abuse me. Except for all the yelling and cursing she'd then ignore me, go days without speaking or seeing me. All that lack of love made me needy, dependent and there sure were lots of people who took advantage of my behavior.
Not only did l go through hell most of my life, now that l finally know the reason l'm torturing myself again for being such a failure and for all the wasted and lost years.

[Crow]

Hi Kokoschka,

I'm so sorry to read of all that you have been through. It's shocking to read these things by so many people here, yet this is so similar to my upbringing. The things I experienced on a daily basis at the hands of my mother, and the almost voiceless weak father who seemingly didn't care that these daily beatings, verbal abuse, control and manipulation, and the flinching scared little boy that I was in front of him wasn't enough to make him more aware and stand up for my brother and I. We really were just outlets for our mother's rage!
I too was bullied at school and I was conditioned to put up with it. I was far too embarrassed to have friends over or parties (not that I would have been allowed I'm sure) and rarely asked to go to other children’s houses.
I have not read the article you mention but I will look it up. Please don't say that you are a failure because you are not. Children don't choose what they go through or how they respond to these abusive negative situations.
Take care of yourself, and post up in here as you need to.

Crow

[there]

Kokoschka,
Oh, that's awful and so unfair.
When we realize what's happened to us, and what we didn't get that we needed and deserved, it can really bring grief. If you can do some grieving safely, it can help.

Sometimes grieving safely, that is with support from a friend or therapist can help you gain some peace. But only if you want and are ready.

Please feel free to continue to Express yourself here. People here care.

[Kokoschka]

Thank you Crow and There for responding to my post. It really makes me feel better that you two did . I know l must be patient as l'm new here and definitely not the only one dealing with bad stuff ... But when l didn't see a reaction at first l was immediately back feeling rejected and ignored as so many times in my life. Telling myself "here we go again" must be the way l express myself that makes me boring to other people and considering quitting the site ... the transition from feeling any better to going down that dark pit again is so fast, horrible!

Crow, l'm sorry to read about Your bad experiences as a young boy and your father not caring what happens to you and your brother... why is it "we" think mothers will always go only after their daughters... Though according to my older brother (from her previous marriage) she was kind to him and never hit him. My father did care and tried to interfere but he was no match for her and it often really made it worse for me. I remember once when she was hitting and verbally abusing me that he went between us, she going berserk and him asking "do you want to hit me too now". l hope you found a way of dealing with these issues and that you and your brother are feeling better today.

[Kokoschka]

Hello there,
I had group and single therapy in the past but these sessions never really touched on the subject of ABUSE and what it does to your soul and mind. It's been many years since but as far as l recall it mostly dealt with me/us needing to change and focusing on the things we wanted to do better next time... That abuse wrecks a life and leaves a child defenseless, without the tools and skills to deal with life was never an issue. As for friends, l don't have any l could burden with my troubles and from my experience people who haven't been there don't understand the extent of the damage done and suggest you see things differently, put the past behind you etc. Thank you for being there.

[there]

Hi, Kokoscka,

I get it. I've had therapy like that. It doesn't help. It keeps you thinking there's something wrong you did, or need to differently.

I didn't mean to suggest that you had to do anything, really, including have T. I guess I was thinking about when I've had grief, childhood stuff, that it's been hard and scary alone.

But that's me, not you.

Sometimes it's slow on here. Sometimes there aren't many members active. And I guess we each do what can for each other here.

I hope you find support here. I know I have.

[Kokoschka]

Hi there,
Everything is fine. I didn't think you were "telling me to do" anything. Since you mentioned therapy l told of my own experiences in that field. When l think of therapy today, l couldn't afford it anyway, l don't feel l could really trust these people anymore. I think that being able to talk you guys is a lot more rewarding.

[Crow]

Hi Kokoschka,

You literally said something that I feel often - and particularly when I first posted on here!

But when l didn't see a reaction at first l was immediately back feeling rejected and ignored as so many times in my life. Telling myself "here we go again" must be the way l express myself that makes me boring to other people and considering quitting the site ... the transition from feeling any better to going down that dark pit again is so fast, horrible!

Quite amazing really that this is clearly a result of abuse and not just me being weird. Why is it strangely validating to read something so similar to myself?!
That is what is so helpful about this site, because as you have said yourself, other people who haven't experienced what we have just don't get it.

Crow

[coconuts]

Hey kokoschka,
Its amazing what an impact being treated that way as a child. I often feel that all the success in the world will never be enough to erase that rejection and pain. My mom would do all those things. I felt so unwanted and unloved all the time. I dont see many people mention the ignoring thing. But i found that so difficult to deal with as well. My mom would yell and scream and beat and tell me all together what a terrible person i was and that i had so deeply hurt or offended her and then she would go days doing the silent treatment. That did something else to me. I would beg her to please talk to me. Somehow it was more comforting to be yelled a than that.
I also still feel that about posts. There is some vulnerability put out there when we put a post with our pain out. Its hoping for someone who understands. Its needing to be heard. Its fear of rejection yet again. I know half the time its my own fault. I write WAY too much. My posts are terrible long and I doubt people want to have to take the time to read them. But Im quite quiet out here in the real world so this is the only place for me to get all my thoughts out. So i just do it anyways.
Coconuts

[Kokoschka]

Hello Crow and Coconuts,
I'm really glad that l seem to have found in you two a pair of "kindred spirits" to quote ANNE OF GREEN GABLES. As much as we try (l am speaking for myself though) we will never gain the confidence people who grew up under "normal" circumstances display. Coconuts, we all come here to vent and talk and write about our feelings, this is what this site is for. You shouldn't feel bad for doing so. As you said, where else can you do that. I will try to follow up and respond to all your posts.