It happened when I was 13, im 18 now.
We never met. It was all online. We'd met in an online gaming server and we'd talked for a while on this relatively small server for a while before moving to DMs, where after abit of talking he made his first move on me, telling me to think of him in the shower.
That's how it all started. I didnt know his age, name, where he lived or anything like that. But he said he was at least thirty. To be honest, he lied alot. Sometimes he said hes 25, sometimes 28, sometimes he said hes over thirty. He asked me for nude pictures and while I wasn't comfortable with that at all, I didn't want to say no, fearing he'd leave. He said he wouldn't keep them. He later told me he did keep all of them because "a man needs his fap material".
Fast forward to when he telling me about his very graphic sexual fantasies.
These included locking me up in a cage and not feeding me, tying me up and only giving me his semen to eat, locking me in the basement only to come down to rape me, leaving me on the street and raping me the next day and so on.
And. Heres the twist. I liked it. I didnt mind. We were in a "relationship". It was all "consensual." Infact, he only left when I stopped providing him with pictures. I'd only sent two. I missed him. Countless nights I cried over him. I only realised months later, that what he did was wrong but.. I can't help but feel like it was my fault. I liked it, I never said no, I let it happen, I contributed.
Is this normal? how do I cope with this? I have these intense feelings of guilt, because I just.. let it happen.
Sorry if this post is a little poorly written, I just wrote things as they came to my mind.
I liked it
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei
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I liked it
You are not alone.
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Re: I liked it
I can relate to the feelings of guilt over something like this. Mine happened in 3D and carried over to 'internet dating'. Honestly I know now that what happened somehow got normalized. I will chalk that up to the young mind being easily influenced and curious. Even if we know that its supposed to be wrong. I was a little younger than 13 and not sure if I started out liking it or was just afraid of being in trouble. I also had an unnatural attachment to him. Being older I hate to admit that I liked what we were doing. Because I feel taken advantage of and manipulated. And it caused me so many problems later on. I can finally say that I am on the mend from all of this because I am starting to accept the good the bad and the icky that comes with it. I lived in denial for so long I had forgotten it happened but the damage had been done. Bravo for you coming to terms with this all at your age! Start healing now. Your future self will thank you. Remember you're not broken, just a little bent.
somewhereinbetweenlostandfound
"It doesn't get easier, we just get stronger."
"It doesn't get easier, we just get stronger."
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Re: I liked it
My mother also told me the same. Thank you for the kind words, somewhereinbetween.somewhereinbetween wrote: ↑Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:38 pm Bravo for you coming to terms with this all at your age! Start healing now. Your future self will thank you. Remember you're not broken, just a little bent.
Last edited by Harmony on Tue Sep 22, 2020 9:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from full post quote for ease of reading.
Reason: edited from full post quote for ease of reading.
You are not alone.