On the Chessboard 2021

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Chessgirl
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Posts: 1215
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Kokoschka

Thank you for cheering me along and validating my need to put my foot down. Love the gone with the wind quote :lol: it truly is frustrating though. The last thing I want to be is difficult, but that’s exactly how I’m being portrayed. I wish more people acknowledged and understood the importance of setting boundaries and communicating about hurt feelings. My husband keeps telling me there has been a little progress with his mom and I have to open my eyes to that. Maybe she is making subtle steps in the right direction and I just need to be open to her progress. I know one thing, I’m not going to just stay silent. I was silent for far too long. I love that I have people here who understand when no one else seems to. ❤️
Chessgirl
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1215
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

This morning I prayed and meditated in the shower. I prayed that I find a way to let go of the resentment and anger and frustration I have with my husbands triggering family members. That I stop obsessing over my own narcissistic abusers and their enablers. That I find a way to forgive and focus on all the blessings I have. After I got out of the shower I had a fight with my husband though. I asked him to please go over some ground rules with his mom. See after thanksgiving lunch with his dads side of the family we are letting our daughter go off with his mother for a thanksgiving party she’s going to. We can’t go because we have to build the nursery, but we are letting our daughter go off alone with her. I told him to remind her to please be honest with us and forthright about anything that could happen such as if our daughter gets hurt or if an incident happens (normally she won’t tell us and keeps secrets) I asked him to just go over a few things with her. He proceeded to get mad at me and tell me that I’m so negative. I only think about negative things. I told him I just need his support in this stuff. I got so upset I’m considering just staying home alone for thanksgiving. I don’t need my husband always telling me I’m crazy and judge mental.

Last night before bed we got into a fight because I mentioned something about one of his cousins. This cousin is a foster mom who is trying to adopt these kids whose bio parents are addicts. However they have a bio child and made their FB profile pic one of them with their bio kid and I just said that could hurt the foster kids feelings. Plus I don’t like how these people are rooting for the bio parents to fail when their main goal should be to reunify these kids with their bio parents who we should pray succeed in their rehabilitation. These people annoy me because they seem so fake and seem to be fostering kids for the wrong reasons. My husband told me I’m so negative and only see the bad things in people and assume the worst. I told him that’s not true but I spent my whole life giving people the benefit of the doubt and learned my lesson not to ignore red flags with people. He admitted these people were a little sketchy but that we should not assume the worst. I told him that he and I see the world very differently and that our marriage can be very lonely for me because we just don’t share the same beliefs and opinions particularly about mental health. For example he doesn’t believe that narcissism is as prevalent as I do in society. He doesn’t think boundaries with family members are all that important. He believes you should always give family the benefit of the doubt. He doesn’t think trauma and triggers should consume ones life. He basically thinks people should “man up” and stop complaining about trauma. I told him his attitude and opinions about these things is truly
Infuriating. We went to bed mad at each other and then had this argument this morning. I will probably go to the thanksgiving lunch but as usual I’ll put on a fake smile and feel triggered and invalidated the whole time. I really thought my prayers and meditation this morning would help me today... but I don’t think it worked. Not to mention I got zero sleep last night. I hope everyone else has an easier time today than I am having. Thinking of you today and am grateful to have this group.
Chessgirl
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1215
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Excuse me rant earlier. My husband and I sort of made up. We agreed we should set up a counseling session sometime, but we both love each other and hate fighting and want everything to work out. We need a mediator to help us see where each other are coming from. Once I got to thanksgiving lunch, I know longer felt negative feelings and resentment. Everyone was lovely and friendly and I even felt guilty for feeling so negatively. I didn’t get triggered today. I didn’t feel attacked or invalidated. We all had a great time. Maybe my prayers did end up working after all. Wishing everyone a happy day today.
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
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Posts: 702
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Kokoschka »

Really happy for you, Chessgirl that the two of you are good again🥰 and that you ended up having a great time. Wish you peace of mind.
Thinking of you, Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1215
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Thank you kokoschka!
Yes sometimes everything feels as though it’s going to come crashing down in the moment, but ends up being just fine. I have to remind myself to breathe and stay calm, and come back to the conversation a little later.
Chessgirl
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by coconuts »

I'm glad it worked out in the end. Sorry it was such a rough start. Honestly, not that i blame everything on hormones, well maybe i do. Lol, but it's so much harder to control your emotions when you are pregnant and the thoughts are just sorta rolling rampant thru your head. Its not that they aren't valid thoughts and feelings. It's just that it's harder to sort them out, let them come and then go. Add to that trying to sort out a new vision of life. I think there is a balance we are all aiming to find. Something between standing our ground when we have been pushed around our whole lives and allowing for humanness.
*language*
For example my h and i got divorced because he was abusive. After a while he realized he needed help, went to therapy and did a life coach and made a lot of changes. When we got back together i knew i couldn't let any sort of controlling behaviors slide. I was ultra hard ball. Ultra defensive. Not nice at all. While it was important for me to set boundaries i also needed to learn how to do it nicer. I just sorta had this FU attitude. After about 2 years i realized i could find a more polite and kinda teaching way to do this. Having conversations rather than bitchy remarks and comebacks. For me i had to find that happy medium. I needed to find the balance and so did my h. As humans i think we are always in flux, always learning. And it's not easy changing perspectives and approaches to life. It takes work, consistency and a fair level of failure.

All that said i think you are doing amazing. You are working so hard and the benefit to your children will be amazing. They will learn that boundaries and honesty are important to healthy relationships. Yay you.
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Kokoschka
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Posts: 702
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Kokoschka »

Hello Chessgirl and Coconuts,
Can't but agree with each and every word👏👏👏 Wish you both an easy and pleasant week🙏
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1215
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Coconuts
You are right about the hormones and also trying to navigate a new way of life. Trying to find the medium between setting boundaries and being mean. It’s hopeful to know we are always in state of flux and learning. Thanks for sharing your experience with your husband. It helps to know things can get better when two people are willing to learn and change.

Kokoschka
Thank you for cheering me along! Offering your support and agreement with the convo. Hoping you are having a peaceful week as well. I know you have a lot going on. You are in my thoughts.
Chessgirl
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