I met a new Protector Part

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Progress
Member
Posts: 149
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2021 10:18 pm

I met a new Protector Part

Post by Progress »

I guess I feel like sharing. :D

I’ve known since age 9 that I have this sort of creative image that pops up to protect me from emotional abuse and pain. It’s a clear plexiglass box and it pops out of nowhere and comes down over me, surrounding me on all sides, plus the top. Its purpose is to deflect emotional abuse. Funny that it’s not glass. Maybe because glass can be shattered? And plexiglass is meant to not shatter the way glass does.

Cool defense system, huh? Well, I feel like I’ve finally met the part responsible for the job of “Initiating Plexiglass Self-Defense Mode”. She’s a part! And I was thrilled to meet her! She has been an amazing Protector all these years. She was also able to shut off my emotional reactions to emotional/verbal abuse. I was able to have some peace in the face of destructive abuse by becoming cold and emotionless.

Me n my parts have kind of a big meeting room, and my Plexiglass part made herself known. She is actually inside a super thick, kind of dirty/cloudy plexiglass box, so I can only vaguely see her outline. But I for darn sure recognize the outline of the hair! Haha

Sometimes, as an adult, I want to take more emotional risks and have healthy relationships with family, friends, and my guy. Just a teeny little bit of risk at a time. (Isurvive is such a wonderful place to practice taking those risks! I can express the deepest me, and it’s judge-free and always supportive!!)

Anyway, in one of my present day relationships, something happened and I felt profoundly hurt and betrayed. Possibly (ok, probably) I had a reaction that was wayyyyyyy out of proportion to the actual harm done to me. Regardless, it was majorly triggering and Plexiglass Part jumped in to protect me.

On the bright side, this is how I finally got to meet her, now that I’m more aware of my system.

Plexiglass Part wants to basically end this present-day relationship forever. She is maybe ok with “faking” an honest relationship with them for practical purposes, but there will be no true emotional exposure anymore. But there’s an adult me that wants to work through the issue in a healthy manner. And re-establish trust, and move forward in this healthy relationship.

When I had a bit of inner dialogue with Plexiglass Part, I said I’d like to see if we can keep this relationship, but if she didn’t feel safe enough to do it, we would do things her way. Well, I guess she thought about it, and she opened up a small hole in the plexiglass, just big enough for me to fit my hand through, so we could hold hands. That way, she’ll feel safe as we attempt to repair the damage. It has to be on Plexiglass Part’s terms. She has to be the one to take that emotional risk and accept and trust the sincere apology we received.

Ha! We are not familiar with sincere apologies. But brava to Plexiglass Part for finding the courage to try. I literally felt the shift in my brain. Something in there felt suddenly so weird. So new. Maybe a new nerve pathway got created!

I believe all will be well in the end.

If you read this far, well thank you for suffering through hahaha
Be well everybody! I deeply care,

~Progress
Oceantide
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Posts: 131
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 12:20 am

Re: I met a new Protector Part

Post by Oceantide »

Wow, Progress, it was great to read about Plexiglass Part, who sounds very, very cool. Your relationship with each other is also, well, inspiring. I love that you shook hands! Like you, I believe all will be well in the end. Thank you for sharing, Progress. Sending warm thoughts of support and care, Oceantide.
Progress
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Posts: 149
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2021 10:18 pm

Re: I met a new Protector Part

Post by Progress »

Thanks so much Oceantide. It means a lot to read your words, especially when healing and progress are such an up & down journey. Sometimes I feel like I gloss over the amount of struggle and pain it takes to make a bit of progress. But I also know everyone here understands. It’s so confusing and it’s so much work. And it’s work that no one else can see you doing.

Thanks again. :)
Progress
coconuts
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Posts: 5254
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: I met a new Protector Part

Post by coconuts »

Thats amazing Progress. To meet a new part and have it be a positive connection is so powerful. It sounds like you have a good system in place for working together. And she sounds like she has been such a great protector. Not you can work forward to help her learn when those defenses are needed and when you can pause and wait.

Up yeah the amount of mental work this takes is exhausting. It really really is. The fact that we have to work every day to hold it together because the natural inclination is definitely not to. I hold on to the idea that it is comparable to physical therapy and if i was in physical therapy and was working hard and going to physical therapy sessions everyone would understand my exhaustion. Well the mental work we have to do in working with mental illness and especially with parts is intense. I feel like it is an incredible amount of work to build new neural pathways for working with parts and for breaking down ineffective or inappropriate dissociative barriers.

When i first started connecting with parts it felt like reaching thru the thickest walls to connect and as soon as we werent actively working on it, the barier was fully there. Its been a lot of work but i feel much easier connection to most parts and even those who i dont connect well it feels more like smoke or mist keeping us apart than thick walls.

Anyways i hope this progress keeps moving you forward. Every step forward is a victory.
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Watercolor
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Posts: 1848
Joined: Wed Jan 01, 2020 11:46 pm

Re: I met a new Protector Part

Post by Watercolor »

I think you're amazing, I really do! It sounds like giant steps forward and massive insights into your system, esp how the protection has worked. Very cool to hear--congrats!
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