On the Chessboard 2021

[coconuts]

Ah chessboard, so sorry that it feels like you are in the midst of a lone battle. I think so many of us can understand. Surviving is lonely. And we deal with so much invalidation. People don't want to face their own failures. They don't want to see where they screwed up or even failed to intervene.
I can tell you that nothing will make them believe or accept. Not even a lie detector test. They would throw all sorts of excuses about them being invalid or able to cheat or something. I think to when cps told my father that something had happened to me. That in all their experience they saw all the signs. How they told my father that there was years of evidence and my father will screamed in their face that i was a liar and crazy and no one should believe me. It takes a lot for one to face the truth.
Its so frustrating to not get the support of your h. He needs to understand and back you up. At some point our current family has to be more important than our family of origin. Its just how it is. In the long run we will spend far more time with them than we ever did with our foo.

Wishing you peace and sending you a while pile of validation. We see you, we believe you, we support you.

[Chessgirl]

EH,

I hate that your extended family doesn’t believe and validate you either. After all you have been through... shame on them. You have such a beautiful way of looking at everything and I really admire the way you approach things. I guess you are right to not expect validation from people. Your journey sounds like it has been lonely and cold, but cutting off your family was necessary and I’m proud of you for making those decisions. For loving yourself enough to cut those people off. I found your words very inspiring and I appreciate the validation so badly. Thank you for that!

[Chessgirl]

Coconuts,

How awful that your own father had CPS tell him the facts and he still refused to believe! You are wise in saying that it does take a lot to get people to see the truth sometimes. I still have to accept that. It has helped me to hear you say that even the lie detector test probably won’t change their minds. I really need to accept this. Hearing those words already helps me to realize this truth. My husband and I both need to focus on and love each other so loyally and strongly because in the end, we will spend the most time with each other and what we have created. That is a comforting thing to know. That my family from childhood are not the most important in the grand scheme. Thanks for all the validation and wisdom!

[Chessgirl]

I never did have that talk with my mil and I never received an apology from her for any of the things I brought to her attention. I received a blanket apology each time but nothing that was specific. We acted like nothing was wrong at the house warming party which went well. I was sick and couldn’t talk to her after and then she went out of town. I’m still so angry but just don’t know if I have it in me to talk to her about it anymore. I’m just sitting with this anger which I don’t like at all. It reminds me of my biological mom who would do awful manipulative things to me and then never apologize or address what she did. I would just “drop it” and put a smile on my face and we would pretend nothing happened. I don’t know if this situation is what is causing me such depression but I’m so very depressed.

At 6 months pregnant, I’m huge and feel about 9 months pregnant. I see and hear about women who work and hike and do everything pregnant and I don’t understand. They make it harder for the rest of us pregnant women that have a hard time doing basic things. In fact, I can’t even really bend down to pick things up so I’ve found myself asking my husband to get everything for me which makes me feel like I’m bossy or milking it or something.
Today I couldn’t handle my 2 year old so I had my mil watch her which I didn’t love doing because Of the anger I feel towards my mil atm.

I also feel this overwhelming feeling of sadness like on the verge of breaking down and sobbing. I googled if depression was normal during pregnancy and I read it does affect some people. I don’t know what’s going on with me but my depression and physical illness/discomfort is so severe I am having a hard time just going to the bathroom. Just getting up. Going several days at a time without showering. I look in the mirror and I see this disgusting, dirty blob looking at me. I don’t feel beautiful. I also feel like I have no one... no one. I need something to change really bad. I’ve canceled prenatal appointments and haven’t gotten bloodwork done that I was supposed to do. I’ve neglected everything. I feel overwhelmed.

[earthhorse]

Chessgirl,

I won't lie, I have no idea about pregnancy. But I care about you. I don't think you are doing anything wrong for asking for help. I also think you need to go further and confess how actually hard things are and ask for more help. Tell the clinic/ mid wife/ doctor how much you are struggling. It sounds like torture. And it is NOT and never your fault.

Getting sick really makes everyone more prone to depression, pregnant or not. But you have to deal with the impact of inescapable child abuse and constantly being gaslit and undermined by your family of origin. Big changes and confrontation with the reality brings up a lot to process. And it's not like you have much room for that with the constant demands of this very difficult pregnancy. So depression can be a buffer too, slowing things down.

You deserve every help and support for the depression too. Please take it seriously, it's life threatening and is also a terrible illness.

It sounds so triggering with MIL. Though there are real grievances, just remember she is not your mother and she can never do what your mother did to you because you are grown now, and much less vulnerable. You are right to be peeved. Yet you are also right in identifying the trigger and source of the deeper sense of anguish.

I wanted to tell you too, that all the undermining and dismissal of what happened to you is incredibly wrong and not in anyway okay. It's never your fault.

I had this thing pointed out to me about my anger. It's anger that's never used to being heard. My mother used to stand over me, for perhaps even hours at times and just scream and scream at me about how bad etc I am/ was. She would often corner me, so I couldn't escape her. I would just stand there and say no, no, no, no. To what she was saying but she never stopped and she never heard me. So being angry makes me feel powerless. And anger has always been a sort of outward pushing away energy that feels beyond my control.

I sort of overcame this powerlessness on a level in therapy. By choosing to no longer fight my mother in an image where my father was beating me very badly. I notice one of the ways I would deal with extreme physical abuse was to literally feel like parts of my body weren't my own, I would instead feel my body as other people's bodies. My motheris a person who I have often felt takes over my body, who left no room for me even within myself. The instinct is to tell her to f off, get out of me get out of my body.

But somehow, the most powerful thing was to just truly stand there as an adult, feel the anger but just feel it for myself, not just as the angry child who was never heard or respected. Acknowledge it. But I knew I couldn't change what happened. I knew she couldn't hear me, but I was no longer powerless...

Please disregard this if in anyway this feels unhelpful. I think it sounds to me like the abused, neglected righteously angry child within you, needs you to hear her. Really take her side as your adult self. You are powerful now Chessgirl and you are not alone.

Please keep reaching for help and support. You 1000% deserve this. Thanks so much for sharing.

All my love to you,

EH

[coconuts]

Oh chessgirl you sound like me pregnant. I was such a miserable pregnant girl. Like huge so early. People always knew i was pregnant right away and then i was huge by six months i looked ready to pop any day. Everyone asking how much longer i had constantly. I was like 3 months. Then they would ask if it was twins. Not helpful. And we wont even mention when it actually was twins. Yeah and i was grumpy and cynical, cause i felt awful.
Plus you have dealing with childhood trauma and im pretty sure living thru a pandemic just generally makes everyone have depression. And im not sure if you have a big support circle but thats important.
And yes Earthhorse is right. Validating you anger, its real and its been hushed for far too long. Hoping for the best for you. Hoping for peace and comfort and validation and support. Oh and yeah take care pf you. You deserve it. You really do. Get to the dr. Tell them what you are feeling.

Coconuts

[Chessgirl]

EH,

Thank you for caring so much. You are right that I do deserve the help from a doctor. I know my husband (the financial provider here) would pay but he’s been in a lot of stress financially since we moved into our new house. Things are tighter and I already feel like such a burden. I dread having to tell him to need to go back to therapy. I do know it’s probably wise. I’m just so exhausted and I guess I’d like to think I can get through this stuff on my own.

I love that you got through some of your anger hurdles in therapy. I can’t imagine how powerless you must have felt as a child. I do relate to what you said about being cornered by your mother, berated. I remember feeling so much anguish and frustration and just having to stand there and take it. Poor little child within me. Thank you for reminding me that my mil is not my mother and cannot hurt me the way she did. I do need to remember this. Anger is such a complicated issue with me. I appreciate your feedback so much. I have read your response over and over. You are so helpful and inspiring!

[Chessgirl]

Hey coconuts,

Yeah you have been through a lot with all your pregnancies and I can’t imagine carrying twins! Thank you for acknowledging and reminding me that pregnancy on top of childhood trauma AND a pandemic are a lot. This all combined would be difficult for just about anyone and I’m not being a baby about it. I appreciate your validation and encouragement to get some help.

[Chessgirl]

I said a bunch of mean awful things to my husband tonight during an argument. It was over his mom as usual. It’s a lot story but basically I felt hurt and invalidated and blurted out a bunch of stuff how he didn’t provide me a very good life. That it wasn’t enough. That I hate my life and that I hate his parents and wish I had married someone else. I really hurt his feelings. The truth is he’s the best person I’ve ever had. He works hard and provides a more than comfortable life. He is very loving. I crushed him. I said I was sorry but I can’t take back what I said. He said I made him feel like the biggest piece of shit. That’s the last thing I wanted to do. I told him I felt so much pain in the moment. So unheard and so dismissed and I wanted to make him feel the pain and hurt I was feeling to help him understand . I said I shouldn’t have done that but my words don’t erase it.

I’m so tired of hurting myself. Hurting my husband. Anytime I have a friend I hurt that friend. When I worked, I hurt the people I worked for. I would just quit with no 2 weeks and they would hire me back and I’d do it to them again even after they asked kindly for me to never do that to them again. I am tired of hurting people and the thing is I don’t want to hurt people! I don’t get pleasure out of it. I don’t feel joy by it and I feel much remorse. I feel deep pain and empathy but for some reason I continue to hurt people. I hate that I’m this way. Sometimes I hate myself. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Sometimes I feel compelled to leave my husband and go move off to an isolated area alone so I can never hurt anyone again because the pain I feel when I hurt people is too much.

[coconuts]

Chessgirl, yes you hurt him. And yes you cant take words back. One thing i found helpful is understanding on a basic level how trauma effects our brains. No this doesn't excuse our actions but it helps make sense of them and as we understand them better we are better able to understand how to change.

We need to understand the basics of survival and regulation or dysregulation. When life is inconsistently safe especially our brains become hyperalert. They are always looking out for betrayal and danger. To our brains we grew up with the idea that life wasn't consistently safe and if it was safe it could change at any moment to dangerous. So watch out. Be ready to fight at any moment. It seems to me that times like tonight with what happened that you reacted in that fight stance. You percieved the situation as unsafe. You have been lately seeing the situation with your mother in law as unsafe. To a point that you are hyperalert. When we stay constantly in this state we just eventually snap. Its not logical. No actual smart thinking happens. Its just reactive. There is opposite side too where we shut down and dissociation happens.
In the moment. None of this helps me one iota. Like i don't really care. But understanding it an understanding my bodies warning signs help me avoid fully slipping in ti these zones. I tend to go to the dissociation way. But i have realized some warning signs. My hands and feet start getting cold. My breathing changes where I'm holding my breath a lot. Eventually my heartbeat allows way down. I can hear and feel it beating strong and powerful, but slow. Its weird. And there are some precursors to even that point.
But basically i have learned to recognize that i don't feel safe. Even if it's in the slightest ways. Then i can sorta step back before i get dysregulated to look at this idea, to ask myself why i don't feel safe and how i could change or adjust things so that i do. Sometimes there isn't really an answer because i can't change the situation, but i can make sure that ive made it clear to my parts and myself that i am older now and more capable of protecting myself. I can make plans and i can prepare. Other times small changes can make big impacts. This idea of adjusting and focusing on safety before we ramp up has helped me avoid problems. I can compare and contrast to the past how this is different or similar and how my control is greater.
I have to be specific and thoughtful before it all falls apart.
Perhaps some compare contrast of your mom versus your mother in law. And your ability to respond now versus your ability to respond back when you were a child. What can you do as a controlled reaction to her manipulations. Ive found a lot of the times when i have been manipulated its been because i allowed it. If i know someone is consistently triggering i will plan a consistent reaction. My husband used to be extremely manipulative, but it was habit more than anything. I had to train him how to treat me. I made strong logical statements that helped teach him how his treatment impacted our situation. Things like, " when you_____ that sends a message to me that you don't trust me to be and be in charge of myself."
When you ___ the implicit message i hear is____. That may not be your intention but that is how i am percieving it. If that is not your intention then please find a different way that feels safer for our relationship.

For you, when you question my parenting and talk about me behind my back to my husband, child, sister in law it sends the message to me that ________

To your h.... when you defend your mom rather than help us find ways to resolve our relationship i feel as if my feelings don't matter to you.

As i started to do this a few things happened. One I became more aware of my own reactions. 2 I showed others that i was trying to understand not fight but that i also need to be and feel safe, and 3 i showed myself that I'm worth fighting for. My feelings do matter

I feel like i have rambled on. I guess it just got me thinking about all that. Sorry if unhelpful.

Coconuts