On the Chessboard 2021

[coconuts]

Oh i do hope they found some solutions. Thoughts your way

[Chessgirl]

They actually sent me home with something called reglan which has some funny side effects but has helped some. Thanks coconuts! I’ve lined up child care. For next couple of months and we are nearly broke now but things are looking up. Appreciate your support!

[Crow]

Thinking of you Chessgirl. Got a lot on my plate right now, so apologies if I'm a bit quiet.

Crow

[Chessgirl]

It’s ok crow! I know I’ve been posting a lot and don’t expect everyone to comment all the time. I know you are there with support and understanding which I do appreciate. I feel for you right now with all you have going on yourself. Really hoping everything works out for the best for the both of us this summer!

[coconuts]

Glad they found something to help and you were able to arrange child care. I do hope this improves more and more. Hypermesis is just awful

[Chessgirl]

Thank you coconuts!

Well I haven’t really eaten a proper meal in a week. Stopped taking the reglan as it was giving me excruciating headaches. I have gotten so used to the throwing up but haven’t gotten used to the burning in my stomach from constant hunger and dehydration. I only have eaten apple sauce and soup and very small amounts. Had a melt down today.... my burning hunger triggered something from my childhood when I was hungry as a kid. My mom would send me to school with inedible lunches. Sometimes a rotting tomatoes or rotting grapes and I was told to eat around the rotten part. The sandwiches were inedible with rotting lettuce. Kids would make fun of me so I’d just throw my lunch away. I’d cry to my mom and she would tell me I was picky and ungrateful and a burden.... I wouldn’t get a lot for dinner either. I had a melt down today as I laid in bed remembering my hunger as a kid. I told my fiancé he had to start getting me more decent things to eat besides soup and apple sauce but he’s so busy and the truth is that’s all I have been able to eat. I’d love some homemade chicken and rice or something but I can’t expect him to make a homemade meal like that all the time. It was unfair to him I really lashed out. I haven’t been able to clean the house either and he has neglected it and I freaked about that too. I definitely think something from childhood triggered a full meltdown today. I ran out of the house and just sat in the grass and sobbed .... I realized I had been triggered and needed to remain calm and hopeful to get through this. I’m just dropping so much weight and in so much pain and agony. In some ways it’s getting easier but it’s still so hard.

[Chessgirl]

I would go to my moms classroom after school and wait while she tutored students. I’d wait there starving from not having had lunch and stare out the window. I’d watch the kids in my class at soccer lesson and feel like a loser for not participating in any sport or after school activity. Then a voice came over me and said one time “Chessgirl you wouldn’t be able to play soccer or any sport anyway because you are too weak from hunger” this was true and I realized I could only do so much. I couldn’t do homework either with my stomach the way it was usually I’d have a headache too. I felt some weird comfort knowing this... but also wishing so bad my parents would just let me have a normal lunch. Sometimes they would make me skip dinner too. Sometimes I’d wonder if it really was my fault... my fault I made bad grades, my fault I was hungry and my fault I wasn’t like the other kids and my fault my mom hated me. Sometimes I’d forget to throw my lunch out and my mom would open my lunch box and see the rotting mess and get mad at me for not eating it at lunch. She would say “look it’s rotten now and we have to wash your lunch box out now because it stinks!” The thing is the food was rotten when they put it in there... i would still feel peculiarly like I did something wrong . I felt shame and embarrassment. Food became a weird thing for me, something I was so embarrassed about. My own needs and hunger I was ashamed of

[coconuts]

Oh chessgirl. I'm so v very sorry. Food was often used as a control and punishment for me as a child as well. It's so demeaning and confusing. To not be worthy of even the basics of food. To be humiliated with it. Taunted. Its just awful.

Im so sad for you that you are suffering so much right now. Both physically and emotionally. It's so awful. Hypermesis is so awful. I had it with the twins. If i was awake i was throwing up. I would just retch snd retch all the time. Swallowing my own saliva would make me throw up. I had times in hospital with fluids and meds. I learned to at least eat because the doctors told me that even though i threw it up almost right away, by eating at least a tiny bit of nutrients would get through before i threw them up. It was brutal. I cried a lot. I had a friend who had it so bad they ended up hospitalizing her through most of her pregnancy. I dont think one can understand unless they've been there. Im so sorry you are suffering so.

Coconuts

[Chessgirl]

Hey coconuts

Ugh I’m sorry you know how it feels to have food used against you. To be made to feel humiliated by it. It’s one of those things I Would hate for just about anyone to experience. I’ve found myself thinking of that time of my life involving food and hunger a lot....

I know hyperemesis is the worst ugh! I had it last time and it was bad... but didn’t know it could actually be worse than what I already experienced and so far it has been! You really know where I’m coming from I can tell. Retching all the time when you are awake, yep that’s me too. I agree about the eating anyway even when you know you will throw up. That’s where I’m at now. Hopefully it will at least get easier to cope with and accept. I think that’s how it went for me last time. The doc told me that there’s amnesia with huperemesis because if we remembered just how bad it really was, we’d never want to have another baby again ha! Ain’t that the truth... thanks for comforting me and sharing your experiences!

[earthhorse]

Chessgirl,

How triggering and painful for you!

No way are you a burden for asking for what you need or needing your partner to take a bit of the slack while you're sick. It's totally legitimate.

I was just reading that there is a proven relationship between loss of emotional regulation and shame. The greater the shame the harder it is to say and do what we mean, in the way we want it to. This makes sense to me.

You should have never been shamed for having basic needs as a child.

For me shame makes it hard to have needs now and be dependent on anyone. It really distresses me. so I tend to lash out out of shame. I guess this might also be why it might be hard for you to feel okay about asking for what you need now?

It's so hard to find comfort being so sick. You absolutely deserve comfort now.

Your mom was cruel Chessgirl. It was never your fault, the neglect and deprivation was never your fault.

Sending you natural remedies for nausea ( not for everyone but have you tried non mood altering cannabis products? Oil etc?), your favourite meal with chicken. Rest and all the comfort in the world.

All my love,
EH