Letting go

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honeybera
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Posts: 1017
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Jan 01, 2021 9:12 am

♥♥♥ HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!!! ♥♥♥
Kokoschka wrote:
Thu Dec 31, 2020 4:18 pm
Honeybera,
I think l mentioned this already, my mother has been gone 26 years, l'll be 70 in a few months and l still regurgitate on my story with her, finding it hard to believe these things really happened. That's why this place has been such a great help for me. l find that by talking to all those "kindred spirits" here about it l've been able to take my mind off her and what she did to me for longer periods. If it becomes too much l can come here and talk about it.
Yes, I really hear you on this one. In fact, I call y'all "my group", as in therapy. :P I believe I might have just gone completely mad in the last 6 years that I've been on here (this time) without really digging down and examining my relationship with MD and my subsequent C-PTSD. It has been time well spent.

You're also right about coming here at ANY time and "talking" about it, day or night, whenever the need hits. I guess that makes it even better than a group where one meets at a specific time and place. The virtual aspect of this forum makes it a perfect aid in "letting go" all of the monstrous crap we have suffered through, a pain that doesn't always have a scheduled time to come crashing down on us once again and would probably be inconvenient for a T or a group. This group is always here - 24/7! That is a true blessing!! :mrgreen: In addition, this is as safe a place as I have found, thanks to our wonderful moderators, especially Jonesy. So if we lacked a safe place as children, teens, and adults, we have one now. This place is all about healing and getting rid of the old ancient garbage and pain, once and for all. Thank God it's here!!!!
Kokoschka wrote:
Thu Dec 31, 2020 4:18 pm
Our vet of almost 18 years is a priceless vet and human being,
We thought the same...but it wasn't our vet that did this. Our vet was busy expanding her business and renovating the actual office space and the adjoining facility next door. Unbeknown to us, she'd gotten another vet to work there while she was off doing her thing and had put this other vet in charge. Unfortunately for Butterbutt, this new vet was as incompetent as the "FIP" one you had. When we got there, Butterbutt was whisked away by an assistant, taken to the back (without us), and we were sent home. A short time later, I received a call to come back in and take the miraculously recovered Butterbutt home...and you know the rest. :cry: Sadly, you do know how I feel. I frankly wish you didn't. I am glad, though, that you have found a better vet. May this one find peace for you as you wrestle with the eventual loss of your Benji. I know how hard this must be for you.

Wow. It's 1:00am already. I began this just before the New Year was upon us. I've got a TON of little projects to do and they're all written down on a pad so I don't forget even one of them. They all are important. 2020 is behind us now. May 2021 be much better than the last one was!! :mrgreen:

Getting busy with the chores...

Honeybera

Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 261
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Kokoschka » Sat Jan 02, 2021 4:21 am

Hi Honeybera,
Thanks for the good wishes. Hope you had a good night's sleep and woke up feeling fresh and invigorated to tackle all those chores awaiting you. But don't overdo it, you know we're only human😉

How are your dogs doing?

Over here, our good old Benjamin is gone, he passed on the night from Sunday to Monday. Luckily we did not have to intervene and could let nature take its course.

Our Amy (named after Amy Winehouse) is a 9 y/o tricolor and l love her to pieces. She's the sweetest and as smart as they come. Monday in a week she's scheduled at the local vet hospital where a dentist, a specialist coming all the way from out of town will sedate her, x-ray her mouth and hopefully free her of the pain she's been in for so long. Our vet referred us as she got to the end of her options. I asked this dentist and her team to focus only on the necessary as l hear it has become the dernier cri 🤬😠😡 among vet dentists to pull out all teeth regardless. Unfortunately or luckily here l don't have the money for "fancy" extras. I am anxious as l'm supposed to bring her in in the morning and leave.

That's all from my end right now, hope you have a good Saturday. Take good care, Kokoschka

honeybera
Member
Posts: 1017
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Jan 03, 2021 4:49 am

Wow. That didn't last long! I just watched a really good movie, American Sniper. It really touched me. I avoided the Vietnam War ONLY by my gender being what it is, but I was certainly the right age for it! I was a senior in high school (1964, a few months after Kennedy was assassinated) when the beatnik girl who sat in front of me wasn't in school one day because she had been arrested at something new called a "sit-in". :shock: She and her protesting cohorts SAT DOWN in the middle of the street, she said, defying police orders to disperse. (And all these antifa and BLM folks think that they're so original! It's all been done before.) Big YAWN. :roll: Nothing new. I lived through the '60s and '70s on the Left Coast very near the action. They were called Flower Children if peace loving or Hippies if into drugs. At that time, I lived approx. 75 miles or so away from the Haight Ashbury.

Anyway, this 5-star movie, based on a true story, really showed what happened in Iraq and at home in the US to this one soldier, a decorated and famous Navy Seal sniper who eventually made 160 kills, but the movie humanized him and showed what it did to him as a person, a husband, and a father. It also showed some of the horrors of war and man's inhumanity to man. It was riveting. They showed the ways that PTSD can affect a person who has been in long term war.
If you’re close to someone with CPTSD, it’s also important to remember that their thoughts and beliefs might not always match up with their emotions. They might know that, logically, they should avoid their abuser. However, they might also hold onto a sense of affection toward them.

Any type of long-term trauma, over several months or years, can lead to CPTSD. However, it seems to appear frequently in people who’ve been abused by someone who was supposed to be their caregiver or protector. - www dot healthline dot com/health/cptsd#causes
Well, that sums it up, doesn't it? It continues to amaze me: I'm not sorry that I didn't go to see her in her last years, but rather I feel an intense sadness that she made it so that I couldn't go see her without being attacked verbally and emotionally. And SHAMED. And COMPETED WITH! But only the competition that resulted in her winning and me losing. Incredibly sad that she was like that. We both missed out on so much because of that. :(

But that is over now and I also feel a great sense of relief. So yeah, sadness, yet relief. She used to use the word "crippled" to refer to anyone disabled and she said it with disdain and even disgust. But her very attitude of hatred towards me (that I never deserved) crippled me in my mind and my heart. It twisted me and left me with self-disdain...yes, and even disgust. It's taken me years to heal up from that treatment that began over 70 yrs. ago. But as long as I allow it to go on IN MY MIND, it will. The ball is in my court now and the responsibility to correct what she did is with me now. And that is a relief. She has nothing to do with it. THANK GOD!!

====================(7:30am New Year's Day)

The ham hocks and the most beautiful collard greens that dear son got for me are happily boiling on the stove ATM. For some reason there are no stores carrying collards right now. Even Walmart (whose fresh "greens" look so sad and yellow and bug-eaten whenever you can get them - UGH!) haven't had the pre-cut ones in the bag in months now. So now I've learned how to clean, cut, and cook unbagged fresh collard greens. :lol:

I'm planting pepper seeds inside for the grow lights today. I've decided to use some older seed and see how they do. I may try to get outside and rearrange things today like straw bales and big bags of potting soil, but just standing in the Hobby Room and trying to decide which peppers to use my back began to ache a lot! On either side of my hips. I need to either try to do more and more each day or just give up since I'm no longer a spring chicken, but a big NO on the giving up.

======================(Saturday)

I PLANTED MY PEPPERS LAST NIGHT! I put them under the grow lights (not necessary yet actually). The pots look happy enough this morning, albeit a bit dry, so I gave them a little "drink" of water. I need to plant my tomatoes, too, and found that I have tons of seeds from a year or so ago. Whether they are viable or not remains to be seen. I have found that the peppers really need to be planted this soon, though, since they are more slow to grow than the tomatoes, etc. The first pepper I planted was the Nadapeño, like a Jalapeño, but without the heat. (Nada in Spanish means none or nothing.) ;) Last year (or the year before) my Nadapeño crapped out while still under the grow lights. :( I'm hoping for better this year. I also planted a Midnight Dream (first green, then red, then dark purple to black), a Horizon (orange), a King of the North (red), and an Ozark Giant (also red). They all start out green, though. If I end up with too many, there's always the Excalibur dryer or the freeze dryer.

Speaking of the freeze dryer languishing in my foyer, I'm making a path to put it (via the industrial strength cart it's on) where it will be "living" right next to the kitchen in the family room. I'm also moving my box cutting station from the front room to the family room, and putting the (still boxed) Teeter Hang-Up in there, too. With a little rearrangement, there should be plenty of room to do so. In a week or two, the mattresses will be taken to the street "on garbage night" for a special FREE pickup (hopefully along with the large backyard items, too) - we get two of these special scheduled pickups twice a year.

I have the vinyl plank flooring that N put in for me. Ah, dear N. He'd really bitten off MUCH more than he could chew, but he had insisted that HE could do the work in one day, so I forked out over $1000 just like that and he began. :roll: OMG. What a mess! He didn't know what he was doing, didn't give himself enough time, and had to leave for his new out-of-state job and he left the job here unfinished. He'd pulled off all the baseboards (which are still off) and parts of the flooring near the wall are unfinished. I'm going to get a good flooring guy to finish it and then have the walls painted (or vice versa), but I really want to get that family room DONE!

I also priced some of the nearly pristine items of dishes that I was just going to donate...until I saw the prices these items (from the 1970s) are bringing in!! $13.00 for ONE dinner plate of my pattern (I have 7 of them)! $7.75 for a 6" small plate from Starbuck's! EACH!! And I have 6 of them. And I have so many things like this. So yeah, those things are NOT going to donations! I took a course in how to do this around 6 years ago, but have forgotten most of it. The trouble is, as I began to delve into all this (SO excited!), I realized that someone has hacked my account. How long ago this was is a mystery, and I found this out yesterday on the holiday, so I could "chat" with no one. Today I will though.

==========================(sometime later)

I was scouring the internet just now to look for a "best" keto peanut butter (or almond butter) cookie recipe, trying to decide what realllly sounded good enough to bake. I always wanted a cookie baking and kindly mother - MD certainly wasn't it. I suddenly realized that I AM that mother!! I have sort of morphed into that which I had always wanted! Can you beat that!? I feed the birds, I write recipes, I comfort my ancient dogs, I bake cookies and other things, I HELP my DS in any way I can, and if I have something difficult to say to him, some urgent complaint, I do it as softly as possible, always keeping an ear open in case he's right and I am wrong (hey, it happens! :P ). I haven't become MD. I am more like my grandparents, and that's a wonderful place to be, I can assure you!!! There are more ways than one to heal up, and with the lack of intense and cruel criticism blasting at me constantly from MD now that she's gone on to her rest, I'm daily feeling better and better about myself and who I am in this life that I'm creating.

As I perused the good old internet for yummy gems and goodies, I realized all this. Well, that and that I want to really get to work on all this stuff, including that cookie recipe and that I'd not mind making some lemon-blueberry muffins with real blueberries in them. Yes, it's all keto stuff. YUM!

But that isn't what is really working for me. It's the intermittent fasting (IF) that does the trick for me: blood sugars at 132 today! For me, that's phenomenal!!

For some reason, I am exhausted tonight. I bid you a fond farewell and good night...

Honeybera

honeybera
Member
Posts: 1017
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Jan 03, 2021 4:58 am

Dear Kokoschka, I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Benjamin. I am glad that he passed so easily. What a brave kitty he was. And what honorable owners and caretakers both you and your husband were during that trying time. I'm proud of how it all worked out. It's so hard to lose someone that you love so deeply and for so long.

BTW, I was not ignoring you. I just didn't see your post until just now when I sent my post. I just wanted to send my condolences as soon as I saw that Benji was gone. ♥♥♥ {{{Benji}}} ♥♥♥

And good luck with Amy, too. You are really being put through it lately!

Honeybera

Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 261
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Kokoschka » Sun Jan 03, 2021 3:58 pm

Thank you again Honeybera, l know you weren't ignoring me 🥰😺🥰🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗
It sounds like some high end nursery you have there with all those lights and stuff. GOOD LUCK with the peppers and tomatoes. 🌶🍅🌶🍅 Enjoy!! Looks like both my husband and l developed a tomato allergy out of the blue, we LOVE tomatoes which are just delicious over here but we both woke up with urticaria. Left tomatoes out and it went away respectively came back. Go figure what old age has in store for us, this is nuts!!

As for the mother stuff... l mentioned here before that the only time my mother came anywhere close to admitting SHE had a problem with me, is when she said, very late in her life, that she always regarded me as her rival for my father's love and attention.
How sick and f***ed up is that!!! No wonder she mistreated me the way she did.

Honeybera, take good care of yourself and watch your hips, l think l know how painful that is. Kokoschka
Last edited by Harmony on Mon Jan 04, 2021 5:17 am, edited 3 times in total.
Reason: edited use of red font as it is specifically not allowed by our site guidelines.

Kokoschka
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Posts: 261
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Kokoschka » Sun Jan 03, 2021 4:30 pm

Honeybera, just wanted to mention that l too watched American Sniper a couple of times and was very touched by the story and the horrible outcome. Kokoschka

honeybera
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Posts: 1017
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Jan 06, 2021 4:48 am

Well, crap!! My computer internet connection is giving me a terrible time!!! My internet connection crapped out on me and erased my entire post! :x

========================(later)

DS came in and took pity on me and fixed it right up! :mrgreen: I'll try, try again.

Plenty of time for movies these days, especially today 1/5/2021 when the state of Georgia votes for the Senate run offs. I choose not to even watch it. I'll find out later how it went for all concerned. But in the meantime, lots of movies and series to binge watch instead.

I just saw one that REALLY REALLY REALLY took me back. Real Women Have Curves. It was about this heavy set young Mexican girl with a jealous, mental mother who called her ugly and fat all the time and didn't want her to go to college. Where have I heard this story before?! :roll: The mother felt that this girl, who was just graduating from high school, should just get married right away and have a bunch of kids and cook and clean and "settle down" because that's what women did. End of story!!!

I heard MD's voice in that other mother's voice. UGH. When I see things like this, it only solidifies and enhances all the vivid remembrances of the rotten, underhanded meanness that she crafted in her warped mind and sprang on me, usually at the worst and most inopportune moments. It brought back her jealous and ornery reaction to seeing her daughter graduating with honors from a junior college that she hadn't had to pay for or participate in in any way. She did it by letting go of my then 4 yr. old daughter's hand and probably urging her to "go see Mommy" up on the stage as they were handing out the diplomas. I could in my mind's eye even see her pinch or hurt my daughter in some sneaky way making her want to run up onto the stage. Disruptive? Well, yes, it was meant to be. It wasn't my daughter who was wrong, nor was it me. It was classic MD!! I was the successful one that day, successful after putting in 6 semesters into it, through being homeless, living in a battered women's shelter, then a seedy motel next to very live railroad tracks, then an expensive duplex (for me), and finally landing in the newly refurbished low income projects that were at least a stable home, only to be graduating with my degree with honors. But that didn't matter, not to MD. She had to foul it up for me in any way she could. And she did.

Once I saw her pick up my niece, DB's then 2 yr. old, nicknamed Peanut, at a BBQ because she was throwing a loud fit (and she was throwing one as only 2 yr. olds can do) because she wanted to be outside at the BBQ with her Mommy and Daddy (my brother), as they BBQ'd. In mid-scream, MD snuck up behind her inside the house and picked her up, and she did it so quietly and quickly that Peanut was unaware for a second. MD held Peanut by the waist in mid-air about 3 ft. off the ground with that steely cold look on her face, and without a word, let her go and DROPPED HER ONTO THE GROUND face down. Peanut stopped crying instantly...for a second or two, and then got up and RAN outside for her mother, my SIL, bawling her head off. My DS, DD, and I all saw MD do that, but no one said a word. MD, still inside the house, with a grin got that smug "So there!" look on her face, turned, and walked off back deeper into the house.

===========================(even later)

Well, writing that was getting more stressful than the GA Senate Run-Off News!!! :mrgreen: It's funny: "re-sending" myself back through all MD's escapades, but through the lenses of her being deceased, just doesn't quite feel like it used to. It's not as purging as it used to be. I've turned on Mama's Family (1986) as a stress reliever and it seems to be working. I want to just escape to sleep in a bit. By tomorrow morning, the final run off news should be ready, plus I have a TON of things to do both inside and outside. That should keep me busy. (Thank heavens!)

Honeybera
Last edited by Jonesy on Sat Jan 09, 2021 7:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT, as some triggering content

Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 261
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Kokoschka » Wed Jan 06, 2021 9:39 am

Honeybera, nobody ever reported your mother, not even your SIL? This sounds like some gruesome Tennessee Williams play (just to brag how well-read l am😬). On a second thought, not so sure even TW would come up with something as horrific. Take care, Kokoschka

honeybera
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Posts: 1017
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Jan 06, 2021 11:51 pm

Kokoschka wrote:
Wed Jan 06, 2021 9:39 am
Honeybera, nobody ever reported your mother, not even your SIL? This sounds like some gruesome Tennessee Williams play (just to brag how well-read l am😬). On a second thought, not so sure even TW would come up with something as horrific. Take care, Kokoschka
No one ever reported her, not even my SIL because my SIL never knew, but more because she chose not to know. DB as well. He chose to ignore it when I told him about the incident years later. MD was their default baby sitter. MD was much too valuable in that role AND besides, MD controlled the purse strings and her estate's will as well. You didn't want to upset Mommy Dearest. Besides, DB was the Golden Child and CHOSE to believe whatever was most easy for him to swallow and not make waves. My father was the same way.
Honeybera, nobody ever reported your mother?
Ah, that brings up a trigger, one that I have discussed on here before. I had a good friend in high school in my senior year. I spent the night at her house once. She was adopted and her parents adored her. When I went to get undressed for bed, she gasped in horror and said, "OMG, how did you get all those bruises???!" I was surprised that she was so horrified by my ever-present bruises and said so. They were commonplace to me. She said to me pointedly, "Well, I AM ADOPTED, and if MY parents EVER did that to me, I'd take them to court!!! The next time your mother does that to you, you tell her NOT TO and that IF SHE DOES, you're going to take her to court!!!" I thought, "OK, I'll do that!" I had no idea that I had that much power over my own safety!

So I went home the next day armed with this wonderful protection "from the courts" from MD. :roll: She got to yelling at me for something and began to get worked up, calling me "trash" and "baggage" and "a slut" and anything else she could call me (I was NONE of these things), and then she raised her hand to hit me...and I said, "If you hit me again, I'm going to take you to COURT!" And she STOPPED!! But only for a second to think. I could see the wheels of her mind turning, and from a shocked look, she took on a menacing look...and she said to me from between gritted teeth, "Well, you little tramp, LET ME GIVE YOU SOME EVIDENCE!!!" And she did. She really did!!

I never brought up court to her again. So she got away with it yet again, too. Just like with Peanut. MD called herself (from the time that she was little) "PeeWee Fighting Cock". Everyone had better not mess with HER or ELSE!! She was adopted at 5 or 6 yrs. old and had me at only 17. See how that all comes together? Unfortunate for me though. I was born into the role of Whipping Boy to her Injured Child, the up-setter of her apple cart. And mind you, I was born well before Psychology and Child Protective Services and all that, even before the terms of "child abuse" or "domestic violence" that we understand today were popularized or even recognized. They blessedly came into vogue as my life progressed. And now I see more clearly (as the bus drivers say) "the total traffic picture".

But thanks for comparing me to TW... :lol:

Honeybera

Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 261
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Kokoschka » Thu Jan 14, 2021 5:19 am

Honeybera, how are you, how are you feeling?
Hope you are okay and carefully going about all those house and garden chores.

Went to the dental specialist with Amy, our 9 y/o calico that I love to pieces. Could kill the bitch for the job she did!! We had agreed beforehand that in view of the many cats and costs we have that she will not extract all teeth UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and that she would talk to me first. (I know from our regular vet that Amy's teeth are ok! The reason we were referred to this monster is that Amy kept having mouth sores) Well, of course she didn't call to check with me first, just pulled all of them. I had checked with the assistant ahead how much would be the max she'd charge and of course she went for the full sum. She's was returned to me with almost not teeth (just the fangs) and a mouth full of stiches.

Kokoschka
Last edited by Harmony on Thu Jan 14, 2021 6:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited trigger indicator from NT to MT for language.

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