Letting go

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honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Nov 22, 2020 8:46 am

coconuts wrote:
Sun Nov 15, 2020 4:42 pm
Such progreas Honeybera. Lots of work on your yard and progress.
Hey coconuts! :mrgreen: I wish it were more. I'm getting bright red feet lately, ESPECIALLY at night, and I'm wondering why, so I Googled it, natch. I mean these babies are SUNBURN bright red, but I haven't been out in the weak sun at all lately, so logically that can't be it. I now realize that it's a combination of FOUR things:
1) I'm older now and
2) my (now) "PRE-diabetes" still can slow circulation to my feet and
3) I AM SEDENTARY!! I usually SIT all day (computer or TV) and
4) I have gouty arthritis in both feet and probably my ring finger on my right hand (which has been misdiagnosed TWICE now!) and that can cause redness.

The cure? EXERCISE! :roll: I need to get up and MOVE MORE. Today I have already cut up a ton of cardboard boxes in my front room which were stacking up like teetering towers in there. Good. DONE. Right now I'm taking a break from making (are you ready?) Collard greens and ham hocks!! A white girl from CA has the hots for collard greens! :roll: :lol: I must get this yearning from another life or something. I used to make Lima Beans with smoked ham and tomatoes (and of course onions - LOTS of onions) and take it in my thermos for a hot and filling meal on my end-of-the-line 10-15 minute break while out driving my bus. One of our mechanics came over one day and saw what I was eating and asked me, "Hey, what color ARE you, anyway? That sure looks good!", so I gave him some. He told me that it was soul food and that it needed some heat, but otherwise was perfect! :lol: Who knew? It just sounded good to eat. BTW, I now throw in some red chili flakes because he was right. It's WAY better with some heat.

Now I find myself in the kitchen trying to figure out how to thoroughly wash and then strip and cut a collard leaf because Walmart is all out of the prepackaged ones, so I got the real deal fresh out of the field, stems and all. For some reason, every store is out of the prepackaged ones, already washed, cut, and in a bag: easy peasy. Hey, it's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks, is it?! ;) I never knew what a collard was until I was 17 and my best friend moved out here from N. Carolina. I never made ham hocks and threw in some collards until into my retirement years.

AND IT'S KETO FRIENDLY!! The ham hocks (when cooked until the skins are soft and falling off the bones, which the dogs LOVE) makes a bone broth that actually gels when chilled due to the amount of collagen in it. That's Keto gold! Add some ACV (apple cider vinegar), more smoke flavor, seasonings...oh, I'm drooling!!! But I had to learn how to fix up the collards properly without just dumping in a bag or two of them. Enter Google and youtube videos!

Collards - in fact BEANS as well - are NOT "elegant" foods. But they ARE tasty (read: VERY VERY tasty!!). Growing up, we ate well. MD was a good cook. Macaroni was ok, as was the occasional rice dish. But she never strayed too far from CA housewife cuisine. We sometimes bought Chinese food or 15¢ McDonald's hamburgers, but it was usually the (uncomfortable at our house) sit down dinner of the 1950s. It was one place where she could ridicule me in front of my father without fear of retribution, and she took FULL advantage of it under the guise of "teaching me table manners". She would unmercifully mock me and my eating habits, shaming me with "this is what YOU look like" while opening and closing her mouth in hugely exaggerated form. UGH.

ANYWAY, we never EVER ate beans. In her mind, they equated with poverty and lowlife people. She MIGHT open a can of VanDeCamp's Pork and Beans to go with hot dogs...MAYBE...but that was it and that was rare. SHE LIKED ELEGANCE! And the more "elegant" the better! I was never like that, and in retrospect, that made me more well rounded and open to new ideas and ways of doing things. I don't have to make another person feed like "less than" to make me feel like I'm BETTER than them! Pondering this, looking at this since she's been dead, I'd rather be me than her any day. I'm still glad that I did NOT go to see her before she died because it would have just irritated her, caused a pointless argument, and yet changed nothing. So why bother? I need to work on me more IN THE NOW.

And speaking of which, those collards are whispering my name from the kitchen. They just need a bit more washing...and then cutting up and dumped in the pot with the ham hocks. OMG!!! YUM!!!

Honeybera

honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Nov 23, 2020 9:07 am

The collards were YUMMY! Now for the cheesecake....

dancingfish
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Re: Letting go

Post by dancingfish » Mon Nov 23, 2020 6:39 pm

Glad to hear your cooking is as delicious as ever, honeybera. :D

Good luck getting moving, too! Hm, just a thought as I was wondering this the other day - could you make some of your getting-moving objectives ones that are purely things you'd enjoy or like? I know you love your gardening though! Just, I had some time where I was more sedentary and I realised it was partly because all the getting moving things I had planned were chores, and sometimes I just didn't want to do them. So I added just going for a short walk, or something I'd like more than a chore. And once I was moving and also paying attention to my needs of sometimes doing something enjoyable, moving to do chores just kind of followed.

Just a thought, ignore if not useful for you! I'm in a loop of certain stuff to sort and tidy at the moment, as well as trying for good eating and moving and gardening and working on all the trauma stuff. Sometimes I think it's simply tiring, particularly what with current events, and we just need a break and breath of fresh air!

All the best to you, and cheering you on however you wish to pass your time! Cheesecake does sound excellent though. ;)

Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Kokoschka » Tue Nov 24, 2020 7:18 am

Kudos to you Honeybera👏👏👏
I know how difficult it is to overcome that inner devil keeping us from functioning as we would like, but isn't it just terrific when WE DO WIN and get things done?! Awesome feeling!!
All the best to you, Kokoschka.

honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:44 pm

Hi guys! :mrgreen: Another morning here. No sleep at all last night. Watched some good movies though and binge watched the latest episodes of Britannia. I've been up since 5pm last night after about 4 hrs. of sleep. I really need to get this under control!

As I let go of MD (especially after her passing), I'm finding the my inside chores are actually easier for me than they used to be. The outside ones (the garden) is what I'm avoiding these days (deliberately???). But I love my garden and working in it...and ESPECIALLY admiring it once I'm done. I'm slow at either outside or inside, but I'm SLOWLY and painstakingly getting things done. I'm amazed at how slowly it goes for me, how much setting up each thing takes me, but who is standing there with a stop watch anyway? :roll: Am I in a race or a competition? Who is there to rush me or to criticize me for not being perfect about what I'm doing or whatever? I'm gently learning self forgiveness and just taking my time.

I still haven't made the Instant Pot Cheesecake with a nut crust yet. I have never even attempted to make one before, so I'm taking my time. Once I make something, it doesn't take me as long. It's just the newness of it. I can slap a couple of loaves of bread together now in nothing flat. For the cheesecake, though, I have everything to make it already, right down to the Fat Daddio cheesecake pan, the instant pot, and the obligatory trivet, in addition to all of the keto friendly ingredients. The guy on the video makes it look SO EASY, but I had to wash up some new cookie sheets for the toasting of the nuts (I hand-washed the pans last night and let God dry them overnight) ;) AND I had to get the recipe onto my computer, printed out, and arranged into my recipe book (already did that, too). But I am puttering and getting closer to just assembling it all and getting it done. I sure hope it's worth all the effort! It sure did look good on the video!!!

My real challenge is on Thursday night. We're about to have a cold snap with temps down below freezing (30ºF-32ºF) and me with all these plants that are for my warm zone 9b. I need to set it up out there for some better protection against the temporary cold...and of course, I have an idea on just how to do it! ;) I have all that HEAVY DUTY cardboard out in my garage in big sheets. If I put that standing up right in front of the empty planter boxes that sit right up against the (warm) house, it will create a "no frost/freeze" zone. We don't have much of a winter here, but it does get cold on occasion, and I want my plants to survive. I've been using those empty planters sort of as a junk depository, so I'm going to empty those out, set the plants down in there, put up the cardboard in front of it, and they should be ok cuddled up against the house with a barrier (the cardboard) in front of it. I've got until Thursday at the latest! Mother Nature gives a flying fig whether I get it done or not. She'll kill my plants! So it's a good incentive to get busy.

But so far, so good. You should see my Flaming Belles (Tecoma x alata‘Flaming Belles’), blooming to beat the band! Big bright orange clusters of trumpet flowers are already on this tiny plant in a 4" pot! :lol: It can grow to a HUGE bushy plant 10' tall and 8' wide! I can hardly wait! It'll block my nosy neighbors with the direct view from their 2-story house right down into my backyard and bedroom area. :P Even my petunias are still vibrant and blooming! And I have a Mexican salvia that is just stunning! (Salvia mexicana 'Limelight') It looks pretty in the pictures of it, but in person...WOW! Deep electric purple blooms and lime green calyces! So I'd better get off the dime and make ALL of them a temp. home to overwinter in. AND it's time to plant any bell peppers from seed that I wish to have out there and get them under the grow lights NOW. So much to do!!! :lol: (But otherwise I'd be bored to tears!)

Honeybera♥♥♥

coconuts
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Re: Letting go

Post by coconuts » Thu Nov 26, 2020 1:24 am

Wow it must be so cool to have greenery in winter. We have sticks and stick trees and just brown and white pallete.

Youre doing good at adjusting and gaining new habits based on you. Things that srent tainted by MD.

I hope you enjoy their splendor all winter long.

Coconuts

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Thu Nov 26, 2020 10:57 pm

Dear coconuts, HI! :mrgreen:

Look at what I found (finally!!):
FORGIVE: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) - Merriam-Webster dictionary
I just saw Denzel Washington playing a psychiatrist giving a quote regarding forgiveness from the dictionary in this movie I'm watching, Antwone Fisher, and it got me to thinking. According to both the movie and the dictionary, this "forgiveness" thing is more about ME than it is about MD!!! Between that quote above and your pointing out that learned helplessness is the default state of being/thinking, I need to (at this late date) sort of reprogram my thoughts and give this the deep pondering it deserves!! :?

I remember about 50 yrs. ago I was told that when I felt resentment and the things that the word "resent" means that I would be RE-SENT back to relive every crushing and hurtful moment that I'd experienced up until that time AND WOULD CONTINUE TO DO SO each and every time I did. Apparently they were right! MD is GONE and I no longer have to fear her any more at all...PERIOD! But what is becoming crystal clear is that forgiving MD isn't the point at all. She is FORGIVEN. But now I have to concentrate on ME. Wow, I didn't see this coming at all. I need to forgive MYSELF FIRST! Who'd a thunk it?? Heck, this is like getting to know myself all over again, even at my age!

Self acceptance. Self forgiveness. Recognizing who I am. It's kind of self centered, but in a really good way. ;)
coconuts wrote:
Thu Nov 26, 2020 1:24 am
Wow it must be so cool to have greenery in winter. We have sticks and stick trees and just brown and white pallete.
Complete change of subject: coconuts, if you had just ONE of these Mexican salvia in bright electric purple with the vibrant chartreuse stems in your backyard, it would jazz the place right up! In fact, there are several super hardy plants that flower in the winter and/or are evergreen. Here's one for zones 3-8: www dot bluestoneperennials dot com/PUDV dot html (It's a Pulmonaria Dark Vader aka Lungwort, Bethlehem Sage). TERRIBLE name!! But this would really spice up your yard! Just Google "winter blooming evergreen plants" or "plants that survive winter outside" - you get the idea. It really lifts my mood when I see my own plants blooming out there. Oh, and the Pulmonaria Dark Vader is BOTH pink and blue AND attracts hummingbirds! Who could ask for more? So shop around online. I find it really fun and it keeps me out of the Bingo parlors! :P :roll:

Gotta go...

Honeybera
'

coconuts
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Re: Letting go

Post by coconuts » Thu Nov 26, 2020 11:39 pm

Aww thbks honeybera. Ive been in the search for evergeeens for my front yard project. We have the rocks nd the dry riverbed laid and then my plan was to fill in some od the gps with some evergreen plants. There werea few i found nd never fully planned. I couldn't make my mind up. Definitely gonna look at youe suggestions.

Yeah that forgiveness bit i feel has a lot to do with ourselves rather than our offenders. And i feel forgiving myself one of the hardest things to do. But really we should give grace to ourselves and patience. Sometimes i need for forgive myself for just being me. Cause for some reason i despise my own existence. But its just a lie i keep repeating to myself. It takes work to fight those old messages or old recordings is what my t says.

Have a wonderful day

Coconuts

honeybera
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Posts: 990
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Tue Dec 01, 2020 5:21 am

coconuts wrote:
Thu Nov 26, 2020 11:39 pm
Sometimes i need for forgive myself for just being me. Cause for some reason i despise my own existence. But its just a lie i keep repeating to myself. It takes work to fight those old messages or old recordings is what my t says.
Hey coconuts! :mrgreen: Your T is right. Who gave you that old message/tape that plays in your head? Do you want to keep it? Do you want to reprogram it? I think you're just fine, but I'm not your programmer. You are, and you know you are. What helped me get past despising myself was a book by Pete Walker, C-PTSD - from surviving to thriving that discusses CHILDHOOD or COMPLEX PTSD. Just plain PTSD is usually just one horrible event or even just a few, but for us it happens in childhood when we are so vulnerable and is CONSTANT, creating a more deeply harmful PTSD. He also explains how to heal from it and how to reprogram those old negative tapes. Worth reading.

==========================

I've been sort of under the weather for the past few days: low grade feverish, tired, sleepy most of the time, so I've been resting a LOT. Watching movies, writing recipes and organizing those that I already have, and feeding myself. Paid bills today. I FINALLY went out and watered my yard well and placed all my plants up next to the house nice and snug. Amazingly, the best surviving plants are my "ANNUAL" petunias!! They're blooming like crazy! Lemon yellow with a golden throat, just plain white, "Black Cherry": a deep red to an almost black throat, and my prize "Picasso in Purple": purple blooms with green edges! They've been in the shade in their original 4" pots since they arrived months ago, but they seem to be absolutely thriving up next to the house in my planters on stilts. So now I've put almost all of the unhappy, struggling plants up there, too, in hopes that they'll thrive as well. The cupheas just aren't sure that they like it here and I've already lost two other plants. :cry: But all I can do is my best. I've decided that those that don't live can be purchased again in the Spring for a better chance at survival. ALL are still in their original pots, too, which isn't the best for them, but I'm doing the best that I can do ATM.

==========================

I just got off the phone with my doctor on Face-time of all things! It seems that I have sciatica in my right back and leg - SO PAINFUL!! I had to sleep sitting in a chair last night because I couldn't lay down to sleep in my bed! It just hurt too bad! The spasm-like pain gets so bad that I literally scream when I twist the wrong way. Doctor says no gardening for the next few weeks at least. I'm still going to water outside...and I'm going to plant some tomatoes and peppers now inside under my grow lights and see what comes up. Plenty of room over in the dog's yard to plant them.

==========================

DS just brought home my meds from Walgreen's. Muscle relaxers and some Tylenol #3 (with codeine) - powerful stuff! It's knocking me for a loop, but I'm hoping to sleep well tonight, thank heavens! I'll send this first, though. Nighty night! :mrgreen:

Honeybera

coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Letting go

Post by coconuts » Tue Dec 01, 2020 1:59 pm

Oh honeybera... ouch on the back. Sciatica is so painful. Ouch ouch ouch.
Funny enough Ive been battling back pain the last few weeks. A couple weeks ago i did one of those twist wtong for no particular reason and hurt your back things. That lasted 2 weekds getting a tiny bit better every day. Then mid last week it was finally better. I told the kids that i was happy cause i could start working out again this week. I even went on a walk/run with the kids friday night. Then when i got home from said walk/run i was carrying a badket of laundry and tripped and went straight down on my backend. Pain again. I laid in bed all day Sunday. I thought i might be calling off sick from work but things were tolerable when I woke up. Today it tolerable still. Hurts. And i cant bend over, but i can walk. So thats something.

I read Pete Walkers book a few years back when my old T first mentioned C-PTSD. I should go back and refresh my mind. Especially now that i have a better understanding of what i went thru.

Awww. You are doing the best you can with your garden and those amazing blooms. I really hope the sciatica starts feeling better. The meds should help a bit and some stretching exercises can help too.

Gotta scoot but wanted to say hello before i jumped into my day. Hello

Coconuts

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