Tired of being a people pleaser

[Flifflo]

I have been this way my whole life. Probably to please my narcissistic father to begin with. I remember being made fun of once when I was very little because I unconsciously kept making the same faces as these kids. They were messing with me. Then I was embarrassed. I was so insecure that I mirrored their facial expressions.

I’m so tired of it. I don’t want to be this way anymore. My t tells me people need to prove to me they are worth my friendship. Yes. True. I want to feel this way so bad. I don’t want to care so much what other people think. Especially when they aren’t being nice to me. It’s so hard not to let it bother me. I wish I could just walk away, or forget. Feeling this way today. Thanks for listening. Flifflo

[EasyStreet]

I'm in the same boat. I'm trying to learn ho, w to be either disagreeable or neutral as my default. It's a hard habit to break, but i've made a little progress.

Wishing you well with this issue, Fliffio.

[Flifflo]

Thanks Easystreet. It does seem like such a hard line to walk for me. Black and white. Mean or nice. But it’s not nice. Not to myself at least and it’s not genuine. And I still find it hard. I have to quit agreeing with everyone. Or seeing where they are coming from at my own expense. I don’t think they all even expect it but it’s my go to. Neutral would be good. All of the agreeing just makes me feel gross and ingenuous.

Good luck to you as well figuring this out.

[quixote]

Fllfflo,
It really IS a hard habit to break, but it takes practice. For example, while speaking with someone, try to imagine, "What if this person didn't like me? What would happen?" Most likely the answer is, "Nothing."
quixote

[EasyStreet]

Hi Fillifio and quixote!

Just a different perspective, quixote, my default assumption about others is that they are out to get me until they prove otherwise, since in much of my experience I have allowed myself to be victimized.. Sure, this is not a super healthy way to cope, But I'm still here!

I can possibly change my view of other people if i have more experiences where I am not being taken advantage of. The nature of other people will probably not change. My ability to learn how to approach people to build this out is in deep question at this point.

I do have the possibility of changing my internal thoughts and responses, but in this current phase, I am just stereotyping people in a way that benefits me. I mean that is morally repugnant to me and I have always fought against that kind of thinking, because I've been on the negative end of it myself. My notions of human interactions are not very nuanced. I guess I end up trusting the wrong people, and distrusting the rest.

So I need to learn how to turn the dial down on my internal view of the consequences of interaction/conflict. "What's the worst that could happen?" Emotional armaggedon of a 7 year old, or reasoned response of a mature adult with a wide range of life experiences?

That's my fight at its core, turning down the dial on my learned fear and helplessness. So the windmills are dragons to me?

Be well, both, and thanks for letting me vent.

[Flifflo]

Hey Easystreet,
Glad this thread has helped you vent too. I have had so much trouble in the past choosing the wrong people to trust. And then I just don’t want to try with anyone. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a misanthrope. Like “everyone is just full of shit”. Of course, this is not a useful attitude and I do need people. And I do like people but I sometimes have trouble choosing the right ones to trust. That is hard. I am working on being choosier and withholding judgment (good or bad) until I know someone more. And that can take a while. To know them. It’s still hard for me to not take it personally when they turn out to not be the kind of friend/person I thought they were. That feeling of “what did I do to make them treat me that way?” is hard to break.

You be well too.
Warmly,
Flifflo