A survivor (of sorts)

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Joined: Fri May 17, 2019 12:49 pm

A survivor (of sorts)

Post by barbthebudgie » Sat May 18, 2019 9:27 pm

This is my first post to the forum, and I hope I have chosen the correct category. It may be very triggering to some, and for that, |I apologize. I’m not even sure if this is the right place to post this. I don’t really know where it belongs...kind of like me I guess.

I was adopted, and grew up knowing this. My mom and dad always told me positive things about my biological parents, and when I was 12, they showed me all the paperwork and other documents they had been given and offered to help me find my biological family, if and when I ever felt I wanted to.

I never really did until after my mom passed away a few years ago and I started getting sick. My kids ( all adults now, except for my son) also became ill, all with serious autoimmune diseases. I was told that finding out my genetic/ familial background could be helpful, so I sent away for my original birth certificate and had my DNA tested.

At first, the results made no sense. I had very few “relatives” and my original birth certificate had been altered. I uploaded the raw DNA data to several sites including a research one, but got nowhere. Then I found a utility on one of the sites called “ AYPR”, and that's when I found out what had been going on.

My chromosomes show long Runs of homozygosity ( ROH) and from what the geneticist who volunteered to help me has told me, this indicates my biological parents are either full siblings or a father and daughter. That was so unexpected, and hit me like a ton of bricks.

When I was adopted, my parents were given a sheet of what was called ( back in the early 70’s) my “social history”. It told a nice story about my biological parents. My mother was young , the middle child in a big family and had always felt sort of left out. She met my father, fell in love and ended up pregnant. It gave a physical description of her as well as my biological father, and said he was American and up this way, but it never said why.

That was all a lie.

The geneticist was able to help me put together a family tree using public records and the few DNA relative matches Ii did have. I know who she is, where she lives, her name and other details. I also know she has at least two other children ( my half brother and sister who are also either my niece and nephew or cousins ) and that, when she became an adult, she was very outspoken about having been molested.

So there it is.

I do have some significant health problems, mostly autoimmune related, and I'm also autistic. Two if my kids are autistic, and they all have autoimmune diseases. My son is still in high school, but my older two are in university and both on the Dean's List at their schools. I’ve talked to them about this, as well as my husband, as we don’t like keeping anything secret.

this has all thrown me. I don't know what to think, In some ways, I feel like a walking. breathing evidence of a crime and a woman’s torture as a child and teen. It’s not a pleasant feeling. I know there’s no logic to it, but I can't help it.

I have no idea what to do. The medical information my biological mother could provide to me could be really useful, but I don't want to hurt her any more than she may already have been.

I know no one on her can speak for her, but I was hoping to get some input.

Can someone who has been through what she's been through love their child? It’s taken some time to accept that she may not be able to, and I really can’t blame her. I don’t know how I would feel in her shoes. It’s a sad feeling to know your own mother may not love you, and may even hate you, but it is what it is.

I hate my biological father, and I haven't even met him. I hate that I inherited anything from him at all. This is really confusing, as if I hate him, then I hate part of myself. That isn't an easy one to get my head around. If it was her dad, he’s no longer living, but if it’s one of her brothers, they are all still living and have families. How can I put their wives and families through that? ( right now, I couldn't give a flying fig about him) but their families don’t deserve to have their lives turned upside down...or maybe they already know?

I keep going back to how this woman ( just a girl back then) went through so much. In her shoes, I might well hate me...or at least, hate what I represent to her. Would she even want to hear from me?

If I could, I would hold her and thank her for choosing to give me life. If she felt any sense of shame, I would do my best to take that away and let her know that she has at least three grandchildren she can be very proud of. None of what happened to her was her fault.

I’m sorry if this was triggering and kind of all over the place. I am trying to figure out where to go from here. Is it bad to want to connect with my biological family? Could I do this while still respecting her possible need for privacy and to not have her abouse be a constant in her life?

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Re: A survivor (of sorts)

Post by coconuts » Sun May 19, 2019 6:29 am

My step mother was adopted and a couple years ago through a private detective and dna stuff was able to track down her biological mother and siblings. She sent the detective to ask the mother if she would be interested in contact. No pressure mother could say no. It would have been heartbreaking for my step mom to hear no, but she would have accepted it as well. Her bio mom did want to meet her. They met and mom told her that she was a result of rape. It was a painful memory but she did always still wonder what happened to her baby girl. Her bio mother has not since passed on, but she has developed a relationship with her sister.

My bio mother also used dna to figure out who her father was. Turned out her father was already dead but she thought she might connect with her half siblings. Turned out they want nothing to do with her. She is daddy's dirty little secret. It hurt her but she is still glad she did the search.

My theory or opinion. She knows you exist. Meeting her is not going to change that knowledge. Yes you may be a reminder of a time of her life she is not fond of. But she may have always wondered. She may also have been forced to adopt you out. It might be worth finding a third party to contact her and see if she is interested with the knowledge that if she says no , it means no. You just never know

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Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:00 pm

Re: A survivor (of sorts)

Post by reisha » Sun May 19, 2019 1:01 pm

1st, welcome!

Thank you for such a brave & beautiful 1st post. I agree w coconuts wise words - yer bio mom already knows ya exist.
I gave 2 up, close to 40 yrs ago. I would love to know.

I wonder if ya could give yerself the same compassion ya offer yer bio mom? Yer no more to blame than she. & while i understand yer emotions towards bio father, - not necessarily of forgiveness, but perhaps at sum point a sense of deeper understanding, - what i call the 'cultural time space' of yer ancestors. I havnaa investigated dna, but theres more than just medical history, as. Ya've sadly discovered. & im so sorry to know that ya struggle. When i lok the multi-generational dysfunctions ( along w dis-eases) in my own foo (bio fam), it dunna make the tale any less wrong, but it does, sadly make more sence.

Offerin ya gentle care & support on yer journey
Last edited by Jonesy on Tue May 21, 2019 4:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content

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