Survivors guilt, not as bad as others
Posted: Sat May 18, 2019 5:50 am
Trying to purge more, move forward a bit and not get dragged back - as i have learnt many a time, it rarely works like that.
That being said, i want to share my guilt in a few ways today.
I have 3/4 big items in terms of guilt, one reveals too much and i am not sure i ever will share, but the others i want to touch on.
1 - as tough as it has been for me, and how i still struggle, i feel i have had a "relatively easier time" than my siblings, my problems have been different to theirs and i think being shut down more for longer has helped me a bit better as i was exposed to my parents neglect and anger solo for longer, i didnt have a choice. On a purely presentational basis, i have had it "easier", particularly one sibling who was and remains a suicide risk (I found his letter before he tried to do anything, although later he did try).
2 - When i am on these forums, i feel the pain and challenges of many others, it has actually helped me break down a wall in my heart, and i sometimes sit and cry at how f*cked adults are to their children, how much they use them and abuse them. However as my journey was more about deep emotional neglect, and manipulation (i posted earlier how my dad convinced me to attack my mum and force her out of our home), and i was not sexually or physically abused (was hit sometimes but wasnt a regular thing), although i relate / have the same symptoms of complex/developmental trauma many people here suffer from, i sometimes dont feel i suffered the same and again, dont think mine was so bad
then i look at symptoms that tells me my truth and makes me feel less guilty - 3 big addictions, 2 I have stopped and were very very painful in doing so (one lasting 20 years), one addiction is still active and has been with me for 20+ years (but the last few years i have been fighting it more directly), my hypervigilance, my ever present fight or flight, the deep and long depression i have had (remember times when i have not had the strength to go to the bathroom and have just gone in bed) which is better now but sometimes raises its head again, pushing people away and not knowing why, passive aggresive strategies, my fathers manipulative strategies playing out through me, the body symptoms of long held trauma (gut issues, deep pains in the body, unexplained injuries etc)....
i get confused, and i know everyones story differs, and how we survive differs, but these two items above i think are blocking me a bit, and holding my healing back through a narrative that isnt helpful, even though i see my symptoms as telling the story of my pain (had to stop to cry)
I have gone through a lot, and i dont know why i still cant accept my suffering as real, some aspect of me wants to sugarcoat it
looking for some thoughts,
thank you and wishing you all well, and thank you for being my digital brothers and sisters in these stories
That being said, i want to share my guilt in a few ways today.
I have 3/4 big items in terms of guilt, one reveals too much and i am not sure i ever will share, but the others i want to touch on.
1 - as tough as it has been for me, and how i still struggle, i feel i have had a "relatively easier time" than my siblings, my problems have been different to theirs and i think being shut down more for longer has helped me a bit better as i was exposed to my parents neglect and anger solo for longer, i didnt have a choice. On a purely presentational basis, i have had it "easier", particularly one sibling who was and remains a suicide risk (I found his letter before he tried to do anything, although later he did try).
2 - When i am on these forums, i feel the pain and challenges of many others, it has actually helped me break down a wall in my heart, and i sometimes sit and cry at how f*cked adults are to their children, how much they use them and abuse them. However as my journey was more about deep emotional neglect, and manipulation (i posted earlier how my dad convinced me to attack my mum and force her out of our home), and i was not sexually or physically abused (was hit sometimes but wasnt a regular thing), although i relate / have the same symptoms of complex/developmental trauma many people here suffer from, i sometimes dont feel i suffered the same and again, dont think mine was so bad
then i look at symptoms that tells me my truth and makes me feel less guilty - 3 big addictions, 2 I have stopped and were very very painful in doing so (one lasting 20 years), one addiction is still active and has been with me for 20+ years (but the last few years i have been fighting it more directly), my hypervigilance, my ever present fight or flight, the deep and long depression i have had (remember times when i have not had the strength to go to the bathroom and have just gone in bed) which is better now but sometimes raises its head again, pushing people away and not knowing why, passive aggresive strategies, my fathers manipulative strategies playing out through me, the body symptoms of long held trauma (gut issues, deep pains in the body, unexplained injuries etc)....
i get confused, and i know everyones story differs, and how we survive differs, but these two items above i think are blocking me a bit, and holding my healing back through a narrative that isnt helpful, even though i see my symptoms as telling the story of my pain (had to stop to cry)
I have gone through a lot, and i dont know why i still cant accept my suffering as real, some aspect of me wants to sugarcoat it
looking for some thoughts,
thank you and wishing you all well, and thank you for being my digital brothers and sisters in these stories