My old Narcissist boss wants me back - guidance please

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johnram
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Joined: Fri Mar 22, 2019 10:37 am

My old Narcissist boss wants me back - guidance please

Post by johnram » Tue May 07, 2019 7:56 am

I am keen to get other peoples opinions on a current dilemna i am facing.

I left my job under the advice of my wife in December as physical symptoms and behaviours associated with my cPTSD were getting worse. My wife's words "you were not in a good way". Now i have used the time since to do some intensive EMDR (3 hours a week) and i have been resting and managing the weight of that.

I feel i am in a better place now, and have started to look for work now, as my buffer fund is running out.

Now, my old boss who is narcissist / aggresive, who i dont like, and i think used my good nature to achieve her own personal goals (i dont know how to be assertive at work generally and particularly with her), she wants to hire me back. The job pays well, and anything else i have been applying for doesnt pay as much (big gap), the recruitment market is brutal at the moment for my skills and experience. i also want to change careers and feel that by doing this i can save some to allow that to happen, i feel if i have some more direction i can handle it better. However, there is this latent issue of going backwards, of not moving forwards, after taking such a big step and movement.

my wife says, if i do go back, i need to have a plan, and methods to how to deal with it better, and look to change it slightly. For me, i feel its more, take the money, use it as a base to then start looking for work, as from a CV point of view, it will look ok as i am returning to the same company, and i can then start looking into the careers i want to shift into.

So i say all that, with the fact that i have former colleagues who have been out of work for 6 months to two years, and some have had to move abroad given the changing nature of our work. So it feels like, its logical to take it.

Anyway, i am a bit allover the place, but wanted some guidance and thoughts please
thank you kindly

coconuts
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Posts: 1090
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: My old Narcissist boss wants me back - guidance please

Post by coconuts » Tue May 07, 2019 12:25 pm

Personally I'd take it with the understanding that I am a different person now. You understand your boss's behaviors now. You see thru it. That is half the battle. When we don't see it we just allow the manipulation and control to continue. You can be stronger now too. And if it is as competitive as you say this may be a good chance. This doesn't have to be forever, it can just be a buffer for more financial stability as you plan your next steps.
Ultimately it's what you feel is right.

Good luck

EasyStreet
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Posts: 237
Joined: Fri Mar 22, 2019 7:36 pm

Re: My old Narcissist boss wants me back - guidance please

Post by EasyStreet » Tue May 07, 2019 1:35 pm

Hi Johnram,

It's a constant struggle, isn't it? ;)

I think your wife and Coconuts have given the advice I would give. I would go a step further and do some additional self education and training around dealing with Narcissists in particular. Coconuts nailed it when she said
coconuts wrote:
Tue May 07, 2019 12:25 pm
You see thru it. That is half the battle.
The other half (as I am baby-stepping on a daily basis) is learning how to behave around predators, since it can be dangerous. Thousands of You Tube videos giving free advice on that, some garbage self-help prattle and some pure gold.

Looking back, I worked for an awful lot of narcissists over my career, knowing they were predators at level of vague uneasiness and yet not knowing of my predisposition from childhood to seek them out and idealize them. Now that I know that I have this huge chink in my personal armor I would approach things differently.

You may not have the same "weak spot" for narcs, but check for it and make sure it is well-reinforced if needed. And remember your plan. Don't get lost and forget to execute it.

And for heaven's sake, it you start losing ground when back with the old boss, have an escape plan too. Have a plan for assessing if you are losing ground.

I admire your attitude and willingness to get back into the fray. I've got a lot of faith in you, even after just knowing you a short time.

Be well!
EasyStreet
Thanks for being my tribe.
May I always be a worthy member.

jimscarlet
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Posts: 251
Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2011 5:22 pm

Re: My old Narcissist boss wants me back - guidance please

Post by jimscarlet » Sat May 11, 2019 10:13 pm

I think your health,present and future,are far more important than job or money.
She will be doing what is good for HER,not you! If it was any other malady than narcissism,
I might say different,but narcissism is hell of diseases,and doubly so,for people who have
been where we have been.Even if you were expert in assertiveness,you will STILL be infected
with the poison.See this as giant opportunity to be kind and loving to dear self.
Deepest Respect,
jimscarlet

August
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Posts: 4
Joined: Tue May 14, 2019 9:51 pm

Re: My old Narcissist boss wants me back - guidance please

Post by August » Thu May 16, 2019 3:43 pm

I'm relieved to see that I am not the only one struggling with the basic question of "How do I balance my need to feel safe and generally ok, with my need to eat". It is hard and scary!!

I recently decided not to go back to a job where I was being sexually harassed, and it was really hard for me to do that. I kept thinking like "I should be brave enough to stand up to them". I talked to my counsellor about it, and she said "standing up to people like this will be easier as you heal", which I think is true, and I have gotten better at it, but like at the end of the day, I don't want to be in a position where I feel unsafe. The little child inside of me is screaming at me not to go anymore, and I am trying to listen to that.

I also talked to my counsellor about how hard it is to change a way of thinking. Like, I've spent my whole life thinking that it is ok for people to treat me like crap, because that is what I deserve, and now to be like a new whole way of being like "no. I don't actually deserve that. bad things happened to me, but that doesn't meant that I am bad person" is like a very newly profound way of seeing the world, and it is a hard adjustment. It feels very scary to be like "no I'm not going to let people abuse me anymore" because it is new and unknown, but even though it scares me a lot, I feel like that it is ok to do that.

and like, not making money also makes me feel unsafe. So it is a lot of fear all the way around. I guess I am choosing which fear I want. If that makes sense? It is hard, but I am leaning towards it is better to feel scared of not having money, and of this new and scary way of thinking, then being afraid that someone is going to physically or emotionally hurt me. or more importantly, that I am actively putting myself in a situation where that is a real threat. Ultimately, I am scared of telling myself (and that little child in me) 'I don't' care if you are scared. Suck it up" like that time is over. It is time for self-compassion. and telling myself "I'm realy really sorry that someone is hurting you. that is really scary. And I know that you are hurting because you are scared of not having money. and I"m sorry that you are going through that too. I am sorry that you are scared of letting down your spouse by not briningi in money. I am so so sorry that all of these things have happened to you. and I love you. and i want you to know that you don't have to be so scared anymore because I am going to do everything I can to keep you safe. I hear you. and you are going to be ok"....

so yeah. I am absolutely terrified of not having money. It hurts me a lot, but I also think that the pain of allowing myswlf to be hurt, is a lot worse. ANd that if I can find a way to love myself, to truly be on my own side, that the money part will work itself out. Does that make any kind of sense?

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