Sleep

[Booklover]

I am so tired I need sleep I can not keep going on just 2-3hrs sleep a night and it’s not even in 1 go it’s like an hr here and there I need to sleep it’s not fair when I do sleep my dreams I full of nightmares and memories last night when I was just drifting off at 4am I kept seeing a shadowy figure moving around or rather should say just a shadow go agross my mind oh it’s so hard to explain I just want to sleep

[sarahoknow]

Hey Booklover, so sorry for your struggles at the moment. Have you tried relaxing oils like lavender may be on a pillow to help you relax?
Nightmares can be terrible things to deal with....But you must remind yourself that they are not real and they can't hurt you.
I will be saying prayers for you x

[Booklover]

Thanks sarahoknow

Yea tried lavender just body don’t want to sleep. Today I have a nasty headache and was sick earlier. I am so fed up of this fight just wish I could curl up and go to sleep and it all just go away I have so little energy left. Why is God doing this to me why does he hate me is it because I told A that I am angry at Him. Saw her today and she said I can tell God that I am angry at Him but whenever I do and I have in the past things just get worse you can’t tell people in control that you are angry at them or shout at them as you just get into trouble

[sarahoknow]

I think God understands our anger. I know it is a difficult and scary thing to say you are angry at Him if like me you still have fear of Him.
I think our Lord would want us to take our anger out on Him rather than someone else.
I am praying for you to be granted some grace and peace.
I hope you can rest and continue to be strong enough to keep up the good fight x
Sarah.

[coconuts]

I understand the lack of sleep. I used to struggle so much with nightmares. I take some meds now that help a bit but not often cause I hate the side effects. I take them if it's been many nights of nightmares. Most of the time I only have the night Ares a few times a week and I've learned to live with that. Every once in a while they come full swing all the time.
I've tried all sorts of things but the best way to get thru them is to confront them head on. When I write mine down and analyize them for every detail as hard as it is they seem to lose their power. I was able to do that with a few. My current set of nightmares are so disturbing though that as soon as I start to talk about them or write about them I begin to dissociate and I freak out and well it's just weird. So I have to find a way to get to a point I can do that so I take the power and fear away from it. So even though it worked for that first set I can't even start to get there with these ones. My counselor reccomended abstract drawing or something to even start beginning to express it

[Booklover]

Thanks coconuts in DBT there’s what’s called the nightmare skill which is the change the ending which I do but it’s hard when they are linked with the memories so although I know they aren’t real like stepfather abusing me now it’s hard to change them.
Got bit more sleep last night but was very restless with fighting the nightmares ended up tangled up in my quilt.

Sarah I was always told not to argue with people in authority and just can’t do it. Saw A yesterday and she like you said it’s ok to be angry at God but I just can’t do it it scares me too much He is in charge and I don’t want Him to be I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL and if I tell Him He will be cross with me and a angry God is scary. Also I’m scared to show I use to have a nasty temper I even attacked a boxer who was having a go at my sister and if I let go I’m scared what will happen I have to stay in control of my emotions I am so scared what will happen if I let you I will just fall to bits.

[sarahoknow]

I am right there with you Booklover when it comes to fearing God and doing something to upset Him.
I still am afraid of the punishment it may bring.
Also like you, I have a great problem in defying anyone in authority. My own past involved doing what I was told to do without question or suffer the consequences.
I went to a church service recently and the priest spoke about how we often fear God and concentrate on not upsetting Him in anyway.
But he said what we should try and do instead of fearing Him, we should fear a life without Him being there. We should just focus on being good Christians and put our efforts into that. We shouldn't run from God because we are scared of Him, we should stay close to Him because the only thing to Fear is being away from Him and not having His grace in our lives. What I am trying to take from that is, yes the Lord is all powerful and watches us but trying to take comfort in the fact that it is a good thing that He is in charge and we should follow His guidance, rather than think of them as rules that we could maybe break and be punished for.
I think the Lord wants His children to make their own decisions and I would hope that He is there for us if we make mistakes.

It is very much part of my own healing process to tell myself that God wants what is best for us. He wants us to grow in our own way.
That is still very hard for me to say and believe myself after what I went through but that is the message I am trying to take with me.
If being in complete control is what you want then I think He will support you, love you and guide you while you work through that.
He will always be there watching us and waiting for us to make our mistakes of course. But I tell myself that He will pick us back up when we fall and give us the strength to try again.
I think its good that you are saying 'you used to have a nasty temper.' That would give hope to the fact that you are calmer now in that respect and are doing your best to take control of that side of you. I think something we should all remember as survivors, is who we were doesn't have to be who we are now.
You attacked the boxer because you were afraid for yours sister not because you are a bad person in any way.
You have shown you are loyal, brave and unselfish by doing that.
God will have no problem with those attributes I am sure.
Be kind to yourself and stay strong.
Good thoughts and prayers for you x

[Booklover]

Thanks Sarah. I will try an take on what you say.
As to being worried for my sister well yes could be true. Thing is I had no real control over my temper and once tried to throw her down the stairs because she throw my favourite Sindy doll down the stairs and broke it. I have worked hard to stay in control of my anger and not loss my temper. If I tell God how I feel I’m worried I will loss control.

I’m not really making sense I’m sure

[sarahoknow]

Yes you are making perfect sense booklover.
I know what you mean about 'losing control and not being able to control your temper.
It's inner turmoil coming out.
When I was 14 I once tried to finish my bible study too early and when auntie told me to sit back down at the table,I slammed the bible down and tore some pages.
I can still feel the spanking that I got for it.
But I prayed that night that God would forgive me and understand my temper. I feel that He did and I know He will forgive and understand you because He sees the good soul that you are.
x

[Booklover]

Thanks Sarah I will try and believe that