This is just a basic introduction But at the same time this may just be me wallowing in self pity seeking advice and comfort..... So I guess here it goes.....
So At 9 I started getting "Touched" by a teenager who lived on my street and was a friend of mine and my families. He was really nice to me and we had this "Game " we would play, 3 times a week for 2 years.... During these 2 years I can't explain How I felt.... I wasn't aware what was happening was wrong BUT I knew I didn't like it. I came from a "Male dominated" family so I have never been a person that felt confident to open up and speak ... So during my teenage years When I was starting to realize what exactly had been happening during our "Games" I felt disgusted, Humiliated and I started to feel unsafe. For the next 3 years I started acting up, getting kicked out of school because the only place I felt safe was in my bedroom locked away..... I used to self harm to try and cause myself physical pain in the hope it would mend my mental pain.
I was 19 when I got drunk and for the first time I admitted what happened.... I got support from my family , Some friends that grew up with me didn't believe it so because of where I was living I did get abuse and was often called a liar. I started getting counselling and eventually went to the police and reported what happened.... After what felt like an eternity.... My abuser was taken to court Charged AND pleaded guilty.
Knowing my abuser admitted his guilt and apologized for his actions I started trying to rebuild my life, and I think slowly I have started doing it. I've in truth got more than I deserve, I got a wonderful wife that supports me and a son that is literally the most gorgeous and clever boy I've ever seen.... But now as my son's getting older I get plagued with Nightmares and thoughts that Something similar is going to happen to him. I'm constantly scared that I can't protect him like my parents couldn't protect me..... I'm petrified!! I feel alone scared and lost! I feel like I can't tell anyone because I'd worry them Or they'll just accuse me of "being Paranoid" not understanding exactly how a victim would feel.
Lost, Alone and Have No idea If this is the place for me....
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, Jonesy
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Peanutumbrella
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- Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 8:40 pm
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solana
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Re: Lost, Alone and Have No idea If this is the place for me....
hi Peanutumbrella,
i'm sorry for what you endured, but glad you found us.
well done on reporting it. that is so hard to do and you should be very proud of yourself. that is such great news that he pleaded guilty. while it in no way makes up for what he did, i hope you've gotten at least a little peace out of this victory.
the fact that you're worried about your son shows what a good parent you are. he is lucky to have you. while no parent can protect their kids from everything, they can be a safe and positive role model in their lives. teach him the importance of speaking up. strive to be a person he feels safe coming to with any problems.
take care.
i'm sorry for what you endured, but glad you found us.
well done on reporting it. that is so hard to do and you should be very proud of yourself. that is such great news that he pleaded guilty. while it in no way makes up for what he did, i hope you've gotten at least a little peace out of this victory.
the fact that you're worried about your son shows what a good parent you are. he is lucky to have you. while no parent can protect their kids from everything, they can be a safe and positive role model in their lives. teach him the importance of speaking up. strive to be a person he feels safe coming to with any problems.
take care.
You are stronger than you know.
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Booklover
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Re: Lost, Alone and Have No idea If this is the place for me....
Hi Peanutunbrella.
It’s hard isn’t it I always worried that I wouldn’t be able to protect my kids. I have a honest and open relationship with them and admit when I make mistakes or don’t know something it means they always feel they can come to me about anything. I also taught them all from a young age that their body is their own and no one has the right to touch it without asking first including me and their dad and drs.
Maybe you could talk to your son about his body and safe touching
Remember though that you caring about this shoes you care about your son and are a good parent
Edited to add have a look at the NSPCC pants information as it is all about talking to kids about safe touching
It’s hard isn’t it I always worried that I wouldn’t be able to protect my kids. I have a honest and open relationship with them and admit when I make mistakes or don’t know something it means they always feel they can come to me about anything. I also taught them all from a young age that their body is their own and no one has the right to touch it without asking first including me and their dad and drs.
Maybe you could talk to your son about his body and safe touching
Remember though that you caring about this shoes you care about your son and are a good parent
Edited to add have a look at the NSPCC pants information as it is all about talking to kids about safe touching
Booklover
I will become a survivor not a victim
Gentle (((((hugs)))))
if ok
I will become a survivor not a victim
Gentle (((((hugs)))))
if ok -
SpiritTornApart
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Re: Lost, Alone and Have No idea If this is the place for me....
I'm very glad that you were able to reach out and get some help. Coming from someone who has been on both sides, I really think you are doing the right thing in the concern that you do have about your son's safety is the healthy thing.
I do not have children and right now I think that's a good thing for me. But given everything I've come to understand about my experiences, I strongly feel although there are some in society who won't agree to this, the best way to help to protect children from situations like these, is to teach them about proper boundaries and really responsibly teach them about sexual contact as early as possible. But I don't think we need to portray it as being all bad. Depending on the maturity level of the child, and the history that they have making decisions whether they're good or bad, I'm just say give them all the information that you know about physical intimacy, both the benefits the negatives and responsibilities that come out of it. Really keep a strong sense of trust and open communication between you and your children.
I think the ability to feel like you too can tell each other anything is probably the most important thing. I never had that between me and my family so when I was abused I didn't feel like I could tell anyone or even had anyone I could talk to about it and it just caused a lot of pain in trauma through my life from how it affected me. when I unfortunately ended up turning the tables, the girl had a very strong relationship in how did lot of feeling like she could communicate with her mother at least so she was able to easily and quickly tell her mother what happened.
In regards to teaching children as early as possible your story is a strong example of why I say that's best. I've heard so many cases where the young child was led to believe it's a game or it's something that feels good or it's okay to do something like this and it would put it in their minds that there's nothing going wrong until it's already been happening for too long. If the child knows from an early age hey they shouldn't be touching me like this I'm not ready for anything like this my body's not ready, then they may be more likely to try getting away or try fighting and not really believe an abuser when they say things like it's just a fun little game there's nothing wrong with it because they'd already know. Now the reality is they may not be able to get away they could just be overpowered, but at least them knowing something wrong happened if they have that good communication and trust with you, really feel like they can tell you anything without being treated or looked upon poorly, then they are more likely to report it to you as soon as possible or if not to you to maybe another at all that they trust so they can get help right away.
In my specific case due to the trauma I sustained when I was abused, I was in a state where I was acting unconsciously when I was abusing my victim, fortunately she realized something was not right because she's had some prior education about it and she was able to call out which brought me back from the state I was in and enabled me to retreat and avoid going any further with her. but I would have to admit with everything that's going on right now and all the news surrounding these cases, I would probably be very terrified for my children if I was a parent. I hope that in your time on this forum you could hopefully learn from experience as I share both as a victim and as an offender 2 possibly help you prevent that fate from occurring to people you know.
I do not have children and right now I think that's a good thing for me. But given everything I've come to understand about my experiences, I strongly feel although there are some in society who won't agree to this, the best way to help to protect children from situations like these, is to teach them about proper boundaries and really responsibly teach them about sexual contact as early as possible. But I don't think we need to portray it as being all bad. Depending on the maturity level of the child, and the history that they have making decisions whether they're good or bad, I'm just say give them all the information that you know about physical intimacy, both the benefits the negatives and responsibilities that come out of it. Really keep a strong sense of trust and open communication between you and your children.
I think the ability to feel like you too can tell each other anything is probably the most important thing. I never had that between me and my family so when I was abused I didn't feel like I could tell anyone or even had anyone I could talk to about it and it just caused a lot of pain in trauma through my life from how it affected me. when I unfortunately ended up turning the tables, the girl had a very strong relationship in how did lot of feeling like she could communicate with her mother at least so she was able to easily and quickly tell her mother what happened.
In regards to teaching children as early as possible your story is a strong example of why I say that's best. I've heard so many cases where the young child was led to believe it's a game or it's something that feels good or it's okay to do something like this and it would put it in their minds that there's nothing going wrong until it's already been happening for too long. If the child knows from an early age hey they shouldn't be touching me like this I'm not ready for anything like this my body's not ready, then they may be more likely to try getting away or try fighting and not really believe an abuser when they say things like it's just a fun little game there's nothing wrong with it because they'd already know. Now the reality is they may not be able to get away they could just be overpowered, but at least them knowing something wrong happened if they have that good communication and trust with you, really feel like they can tell you anything without being treated or looked upon poorly, then they are more likely to report it to you as soon as possible or if not to you to maybe another at all that they trust so they can get help right away.
In my specific case due to the trauma I sustained when I was abused, I was in a state where I was acting unconsciously when I was abusing my victim, fortunately she realized something was not right because she's had some prior education about it and she was able to call out which brought me back from the state I was in and enabled me to retreat and avoid going any further with her. but I would have to admit with everything that's going on right now and all the news surrounding these cases, I would probably be very terrified for my children if I was a parent. I hope that in your time on this forum you could hopefully learn from experience as I share both as a victim and as an offender 2 possibly help you prevent that fate from occurring to people you know.