For the Newbies and Those Thinking of Joining

[wings]

Hey, there.

So you're thinking about signing up to isurvive, or maybe you just did. You spent ages coming up with a username that a) wasn't already taken, and b) meant something to you. You're building yourself up to writing that first post.

....but now you're second-guessing yourself. Feeling afraid or wanting to back out. Run screaming for the hills, perhaps. And really, who could blame you? Talking about this stuff can be pretty darn terrifying.

You may be feeling like you should be able to get by without joining a place like this for support. 'Why did I sign up?' You may wonder. 'I don't belong here. What happened to me when I was a kid wasn't abuse. I can't believe I'm even thinking that. I had a good family, a normal family. My parents loved me. They gave me everything I needed. It's not that I was abused. I don't know what I'm complaining about. I'm not like all these other members. They all seem to have been through stuff, serious stuff that anyone would call abuse, but me? I'm a fraud. Nothing bad ever happened to me.

Nothing I didn't deserve, anyway.

Nothing that wasn't my fault.

But at the same time - I kinda want to be here. I want someone to listen. I want someone to see me and not run away from me.

I don't know if that's possible. I'm scared as hell. But I want to try.

The truth is... I'm in pain. And it's been going on for so long now. I'm sick of it. I'm exhausted, run down, can't cope anymore. And whatever I try to make the feelings go away just doesn't work. Well, never permanently. It helps for a while, then I just feel worse afterwards.

I'm scared to tell anyone what's really going on for me, how bad it gets sometimes. Everyone around me thinks I'm strong, or brave, or whatever. They don't know the truth. They don't know, because I don't let them see it. I wish I was that person I try so hard to be. I want to be strong and brave. But I'm not. I'm just... not. It's all an act.

The truth is... well, the truth is... I've never told anyone this, but... I hate myself. Some nights I cry myself to sleep. I feel lost, sad, helpless. I just want to hide from the world. Shut the door to my room and never come out. Self destruct. Go to sleep and never wake up. Fall off the edge of the planet, perhaps, if that were possible. Heck, I don't even feel like I belong on earth anyway.

So I don't want to share my story. I'm too scared. Everyone here seems so nice and understanding and friendly... but that'll stop the second they find out who I really am. They'll see through my post, know what I'm really like, and they won't respond. They won't care. Why would they? I'm just some random stranger complaining about stuff I shouldn't be complaining about, should be able to deal with, should have dealt with a long time ago. I don't know why this is still causing me pain. I don't know why I can't just snap out of it, get over it, stop thinking about it.

If only I were smarter, stronger, better looking, more educated, more... I don't know, more something. If only I could be that person everyone always wanted me to be. If only I weren't such a disappointment. Lord knows I've tried so hard. But actually, I'm failing. I'm not that person. I'm... well... truth be known....

I'm nothing. Worthless. Useless. Noone will ever love me. If anything did ever happen to me, it's because I deserved it.

If I tell, no-one will ever believe me or accept me. And then... and then I'll feel even worse than I already do. So there's no point in trying. I don't belong here.'

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Dear new isurviver or potential member or whoever is reading this right now,

If this sort of stuff or some variation of it is going through your head, please know that you are not alone. You DO belong here.

You ARE worth it. You may not believe us yet, but you are.

This is what abuse does to people. This is how it works. It makes you feel like there's something wrong with you, like you're fundamentally different to everyone else around you and like noone will ever understand.

Let me tell you something. I would place good money on the fact that every single one of us here felt that way when we first signed up.

Every. Single. One.

You are not alone. We understand. We care. We don't know you yet, but we care about you and we want to get to know you. We want you to be free. We want to be there for you.

We will do our best to understand what you're going through. It's pretty likely that many of us will. (I'd place good money on that, too.) And if we don't, we will sit and listen quietly while you tell us as much or as little as you feel able and willing to share.

You are not alone. And you don't have to do it alone anymore.

We already believe in you, even if you can't or don't believe in yourself yet. We believe you can heal, be exactly who and what you want to be, and find peace in your life. We want that for you. We would be grateful and honored for the chance to support you along the way.

Come join us.

[tiki]

Yup!

Wings hit the nail right on the head. When I landed here I felt exactly this way too, so I'd just like to add my welcome and acceptance to every new member and visitor here.

This is a safe place that I call home.

tiki

[becomingbutterfly]

Thank you for writing this, Wings. Lovely words, and oh so true. I felt exactly like this when I first joined, but this little community welcomed me with open arms and I found a safe haven. I hope many others can experience this peaceful safe place too.

[ladysslipper]

Wings

You said it all so well. YES this is how I felt when I first came here. I felt it wasn't abuse and wasn't that bad especially when I read others posts. I felt I had nothing to complain about because others had it so much worse.
Abuse is abuse if you endured it for one day or a hundred and one days it is still abuse and effects are the same.
This is a safe place and I don't think I would have made it this far without the support and understanding I get from others here.

[Anonymous]

Wings,
So relate to what you wrote. This sounded just like what I was thinking. Thanks for sharing
HH

[earthhorse]

Wings!

Thank you.

Its exactly how I felt, and still feel sometimes. Thanks for breaking the spell.

Love to you,

EH

[just John]

Hi every one out there.

Thank you Wings for this thread; it is a very very long intro but yes I see the need to try to cover all bases 
Whoops have to mind I don’t fall into USA talk as thats not where I am from. As one of the older generation I have taken years to find myself, and it took many years of professional help to unravel my childhood. I am not spec ial I am like most of you, often lost, often angry, often feeling guilty for what was done to me. 
So why this site and why now? Well I have tried to talk to others and for me it doesn’t work; I hope this will because I was abused but I have so much love for life and others; I want to make a difference for me and if that helps others I will be glad to have done what I can.
I know I will make mistakes we all do; I know I will take offence where none was intended; but I will try to be the best I can be. That”s a promise. 
Something that has been with me all my adult life is from a wonderful American who said “meanings are in people not words” so if I get it wrong help me to understand what you mean, likewise if you misunderstand my words I will try again before I get upset, often across this world words mean different things, I have an amusing story about sticky tape and its names for maybe a later post to be sure I don’t offend, but yes what I say, I am aware what I mean but are you aware of that meaning as well?
I will not post much at first as I would like to get to know you all from your posts first but if anyone wants to have a few words my time is Western Australia so not always when you guys are up!
Best wishes to all and thanks for letting me on here.

Just John

[wings]

Hi tiki, becomingbutterfly, ladysslipper, HealingHearts, and Earthhorse,

Thanks for your words, and I'm so glad this place has become a safe and healing sanctuary for you, just as it did for me. The power of sharing and being vulnerable is so healing... it takes a lot of courage, the first time (and, well, every time really!) but in the end it gives you your life back. Many blessings to you.

Hi Just John,

A very warm welcome to you, glad you found us I look forward to getting to know you.

[freshstart]

This is a terrific post....just wonderful. Thank you for writing it....

[wings]

Thanks freshstart! Glad you got something out of it