Hello again

[itscleo]

Hi

I'm not really new but haven't posted in while and not sure I ever posted regularly. Just wanted to post a bit about why I'm here. I have to do something different.

I am. Don't even know what anymore, how to finish that sentence. I'm trying to do something different for myself. I've been in a bubble for a long time, not really a nice bubble, just kind of very isolated bubble and very limited life. I have a job but work from home and I'm alone all the time. Can't seem to make relationships with people, any kind of relationship.

Was in therapy for years and years, and it did help me- I used to not function at all. So now at least I support myself and take basic care and pass the time and that's about it.

I drink too much and too often, to cope I guess. Or to self medicate. Or to keep myself down in the bubble. All of this and more.

Deep down I guess I don't think I'm worth much, not sure why other people would ever care about me. So better not to try. I mean if your own parents don't think you're worthwhile why would anyone else right?

I don't know but I'm scared of dying alone, that's the truth. Not now- but someday.

Lately I've been thinking- maybe the alcohol is taking the place of people in my life. I reach for a drink instead of reaching for other people or opening up my life. But it's hard to believe that.

But I have to try.

It's been a long time since I've come to a forum like this, a long time since I've really looked directly at - at what my experience? Myself as a survivor? Victim? I feel so removed from it I don't even know how to characterize it anymore.

So maybe it's time to be less removed, to reach out to my past. And the past me. I don't normally let that in the bubble too much. Maybe if I can let that in, I can also reach out to other things too.

I don't know but I do know if I don't try then for sure I will just stay stuck. And if I do try then maybe something good will happen someday. So even though it's hard and honestly I don't really want to, part of me- a lot of me- I really like the bubble. It seems safe. And easy. But I'm not happy and I have to try.

[Jonesy]

Hi itscleo

Glad to see you reaching out here with us. Hearing some fight in your words...

I don't know but I do know if I don't try then for sure I will just stay stuck.

Plenty of us walking that same path, so come and let us help support you

[quixote]

itscleo,
It's hard to step out of that bubble, but you did it. Keep up the good work.

[NINGirl]

Hi Itscleo,

I identify with using alcohol for varying reasons related to my experience... I find that it feels so good to just feel numb and not intensely aware of the black cloud constantly hovering in my past that once I feel a minute of that I’m not very good at controlling or stopping myself...

I appreciate your post.

[Progress]

Hi itscleo,
Wow, your post is incredibly powerful. You made that move, you are taking that step. On the surface it’s a small little thing, but in reality to those of us who understand what it’s like, it is HUGE. You don’t have to pop the whole bubble. But posting here was great way to find out that people do care. It lets a little bit of something different into the bubble.

I CARE. Your parents were wrong about you, because you are worthy of love, care, and respect. I’m glad you are here and I look forward to your next post, even if it is just to say hi.

Take good and gentle care
Progress