Why now?

[Magpie]

Hello everyone, I have been on here reading lots of posts but not posted for a while now, I hope you are all well.

I’ve been more in contact with my abuser lately, she wants to meet up more, often asks to meet up with a group of friends but I always feel so awkward in a group of women, I know that sounds awful but the trust just isn’t there and I go all quiet and nervous and want to just flee!

Now she’s asked if I can meet up with her and my Dad, as he said he would like to. It’s been 4 years since I wrote my mum the letter telling her how I felt left out and how I felt my son was being bullied. But, I’m weary-why now? He’s not even attempted to meet with me to discuss things or even send me a message to talk about it. Apparently my mum thinks about me everyday. I have no idea who’s idea it is to meet up but it’s already filling me with anxiety.

Will I cry like I did last time I met my abuser and we talked one on one? Oh my god that day was so stressful, I felt drained, emotional, anxious, nervous, I think i dissociated before during and after. I don’t know if I can put myself through it. On the other hand it’s always nice to feel like you’ve been heard. Will he get upset? I don’t know if I could bear that, I think I’d dissociate and feel so guilty all over again for “causing the family pain”.

I’m so confused and in panic mode as I have to make a decision wether to meet him or not. I see him as the enabler and my mum the Narcissist. Is she pushing him to meet me as it’s my sons birthday soon and she wants to feel good about herself by making an effort? She did this a bit last year near our birthdays I guess as she felt bad. I haven’t even heard from them for months. Will I regret not going? My experiences of Narc’s being in contact is usually when they want something.

It’s so stressful. Thanks for listening guys x

[Oceantide]

Hi Maggie,

Nice to meet you. It seems this is causing a lot of anxiety and confusion for you. Perhaps it's best not to do go. For me, it is better not to meet with an abuser.

My mother's also a narcissist. In my experience, they're in touch when they want something.

Wishing you all the best, Oceantide.

[Magpie]

Thank you Oceantide,

that’s the way I am thinking now about my mum I feel like she’s pushing the enablers to get in touch with me for some reason. I guess the only benefit now is that I can see it for what it is and I’m recognising the toxic patterns of behaviour in them.

[dancingfish]

Hey there Magpie, nice to see you. :) This sounds like a difficult situation, but also... not one of your making, but one you're being pulled into. I think it's okay to step back and ask what you really want. If she hadn't suggested it, would you? What are you feeling in terms of going ahead and not going ahead? Ignoring, perhaps, whatever you may need to do to say "no". I don't think you have to do anything you don't wish to, it really is up to you.

That said, I agree with Oceantide's words and they reflect the tone for me of what you originally wrote. We can feel heard, I think, in many ways - there are definitely some that are safer for us than others, too. Sometimes I like to imagine that I was free, with no potential consequences, to say "yes" or "no" as I wish for these situations, and either is absolutely and perfectly fine to say. What would you say if that was the case? Sometimes what is proposed may also be something part of may have been considering - but again, I think it's better to do it on your own terms, from your own volition. And if you don't wish to that is perfectly okay. Maybe it'll be different some day, maybe it won't. That doesn't matter, but just what you can do now that's best for you and your well-being. :)

Sending you support and care, this can be so difficult to navigate and feel okay with. If you're looking out for you, I think that's the absolute best you can be doing though.

[Magpie]

Thank you dancing fish, it helps to hear a bit of clearer thought that resonate with my own amongst the confusion and second guessing of family members. I think your right taking the time to answer or not answer will be a good thing for me. My well-being is paramount as like all of ours.

I feel like my dad is also being pushed into something he doesn’t want to do, I doubt the genuine nature of the meet up. As I don’t hear from them and now out of the blue they say they miss me-its never my son though, never how is he? Never they miss him and always want to speak to me on my own. And I only ever hear all of this through a third party-my sister (never to me directly)

Thanks again I will take time to digest everything. Take care x

[Progress]

Hi Magpie,
I’m just piping in to say that I feel like I agree 100% with dancingfish and oceantide.

You are the one who will look out for own well-being. If you don’t take care of #1 (yes, you and your son are your #1’s!! No apologies or guilt ever for making yourselves your #1’s!) nobody else will. If you are dealing with a narcissist, yeah, they can’t really think beyond their own needs. As far as the enabler, I hear you about how he’s sort of caught in the middle. I guess your sister is too.

I know you said you will be digesting the info and reflecting on your own true core needs. What do you and/or your son stand to gain from this meet-up?

Whatever you decide, I am Team Magpie!! Good luck in your decision-making,

~Progress

[Magpie]

Thank you so much Progress kind and supportive words, which is nice because there’s not people in my life like so many of you I guess that A understand and B can champion self worth, acknowledge self healing and those supportive words so many of us long to hear from the people who say they love us in our lives x