I am very afraid to be here and I want you all to know that. I had a flashback that wasn’t about all real events last night. Some of it was real as I could remember it the rest was things that my Alters put in my head. I have CPTSD, DID ( Newly diagnosed) and anxiety and depression issues. As a result of this things in my head can be very confusing at times and graphic. I remember parts of the events themselves , but not the event in its entirety. A lot of people in my life don’t believe or choose not to believe me.
I have about 30 different alters that live in my head. It’s hectic up there at times but I’m getting better at conducting traffic. Tiffany ( me at 16-22… before the most traumatic events) she’s been with me lately and I asked her for my memories back and she gave me too many at once. She finally gave me a timeline though which is what I asked for. Some memories weren’t even based in reality.
The events that transpired as to why I react that way… don’t make sense to me whatsoever. I have flashes and fragments where other people have full fledged memories. It’s like there’s two timelines in my life running parallel to each other. The one I’m currently living, and the one that happens when my alters try to take over and tell me more about my past.
The thing is I have enough memory of my former life to where I don’t need Tiff to tell me about it anymore. I remember being 15 yrs old the first time I met my abuser and he automatically assumed I was my older sisters older cousin. I spent most of my teens with him just talking and toeing the line of what’s deemed appropriate for a 15 yr old and 35yr old man to have a relationship like. It was horribly wrong of me to be confiding to him about boys and my innermost deepest thoughts and it was wrong of him too. I am a disabled person and suffer from a condition that required me to have multiple brain surgeries in high school and it was he who would sit in meetings with his coworkers and try to stand up for , defend, and protect me.
It was years later when I went back to the school to volunteer with him that our conversations turned physical. I was 22 then. The day that it turned physical, He was protecting me from an assault that took place in public. We simply got carried away and all boundaries were down.
It didn’t last very long and I can’t hardly remember why we broke up. I have different flashes to a proposal and him wanting to marry me and also to just simply texting and breaking up.
When I went to group therapy to discuss this the first time they said it was child abuse and a form of grooming. I was in such denial about that.
I saw my abuser three years ago. I invited him to my house where I was living at the time to help me piece my memory together. He promised to help and when he came he thought I needed his help to escape again. He lied to me and we had a very fake conversation. I was in psychosis as well at time. He still drove all that way to come see me and all I did to get him there was send a brief message that I needed help. It had been years since we last talked and he told his wife he was going to go buy birdseed.
Now years later. I’m left confused and feeling empty a lot of the time. I’m hurt by him and angry. I have a fiancé and we just moved to our new home which happens to be back in my hometown where lo and behold my abuser moved to as well . We are getting married in November and I am excited and afraid all at the same time.
Will I ever move on? Will life ever have a semblance of normalcy? Will I be able to one day overcome my mental health issues and have children? What will life look like for me?
Introducing Myself. First Post
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, Jonesy
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Introducing Myself. First Post
Last edited by Harmony on Sun Oct 03, 2021 10:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT for no triggering detail
Reason: edited from MT to NT for no triggering detail
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Re: Introducing Myself. First Post
I wanted to add I’m also newly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as well.
Last edited by Harmony on Sun Oct 03, 2021 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT for no triggering detail
Reason: edited from MT to NT for no triggering detail
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Re: Introducing Myself. First Post
Hi Bijoux,
Welcome to isurvive. We hope you find the healing and support so many of us have discovered here at the site. You are in good company. Lots of folks here have issues, challenges and success with things that may ring true for you. Wishing lots of support for healing.
Harmony
Welcome to isurvive. We hope you find the healing and support so many of us have discovered here at the site. You are in good company. Lots of folks here have issues, challenges and success with things that may ring true for you. Wishing lots of support for healing.
Harmony
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Re: Introducing Myself. First Post
Harmony,
Thank you. It felt good to write about my story and myself to those I hope understand.
I was so afraid to be rejected!
Bijoux
Thank you. It felt good to write about my story and myself to those I hope understand.
I was so afraid to be rejected!
Bijoux
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Re: Introducing Myself. First Post
Hi Bijoux,
It’s a wonderfully supportive place to be.
~Progress
It’s a wonderfully supportive place to be.
~Progress
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Re: Introducing Myself. First Post
Progress,
Thanks. I’m just nervous to be here but I think I’ll enjoy it. I love having this new outlet.
-Bijoux
Thanks. I’m just nervous to be here but I think I’ll enjoy it. I love having this new outlet.
-Bijoux
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Re: Introducing Myself. First Post
Hi Bijoux
Adding my warm welcome to the mix - glad to have you here with us
Adding my warm welcome to the mix - glad to have you here with us
You are important
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
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Re: Introducing Myself. First Post
Thank you Jonesy! I’m nervous but excited.