Could you please help me understand the reason?

[Orlas]

Good day or morning or evening to everyone.

I am really sorry, can someone with more experience help me get it straight? I don't know what's happening and how to break out.

Every time I see mother, things go to sh*t. She is not hurting me anymore, even showering with gifts, but for some reason I feel... infected, not myself. Every time after seeing her I can't think straight. My brain is the most important thing to me, as well as my 'soul' (ideas, identity, call it whatever you will). And now I feel like a Neanderthal, can't bind two words, can't feel, it's like my brain is an overworked computer that can't even run a simple program. At first I thought I am imagining this, but no, it happens every time. Due to coronavirus I haven't seen her for a year and you have no idea how much I have accomplished and grown during this time, I never knew I could feel so much, be this much. I thought since I've grown up so much, I will handle seeing her again, but it repeated, and falling after climbing so high feels only worse. I even get bad luck - every time after I see her or other relatives really bad things start happening to me, even if before everything was fine.

The logical solution is probably walking away, breaking ties, but, unlike with toxic friends, I just can't do it. A friend will find another friend, but she won't have another daughter and will be forever lonely and scared, and I for some reason can't do this even to her. I've felt that my whole childhood, I can't allow this to happen to anyone else. Though, to be honest, I think that partially this loneliness and need to rely on myself made me better, so maybe it would make her better, too.

I am not angry at her (though I have VERY good reasons to be), and if she really became better, I would have no questions and support her. But she lies. Subtly, thinking that I don't know or don't have evidence. Or maybe she just says what's not true by mistake. It feels like she is changing my memories, saying that she always was soft and sweet, but I remember it's not true, and I want to remember.

Can you maybe tell me WHAT is this 'brain-not-working' mode? Feels like I am constantly aware of the surroundings and afraid, maybe that's it. I am both afraid of being 'tamed' and not myself anymore, diminished; and of leaving her in the cold, hurting, and then not being able to reverse it.

[Harmony]

Hi Orlas,
You are heard. There are many people with experiences that are similar to your own. What are you thinking in terms of healing these hurts? Have you sought therapy or guidance from someone who is trained to help? There are lots of good helpers out there.

Sending care,
Harmony

[Chessgirl]

Orlas

I have not spoken to my covert narcissist mother in almost 3 years and my husband says I have improved so much. I was always a triggered, confused mess when she was in my life. I understand you may not want to go no contact, but the next best thing could be to lay down strong boundaries so you are respected and safe and free to thrive. You have to be able to trust yourself and love yourself. Sending you loads of support, validation and care.

[Orlas]

Have you sought therapy or guidance from someone who is trained to help? There are lots of good helpers out there.

Thank you a lot, Harmony! I would love to have someone who could help, but in my small city there aren't many options. I've tried several professionals, but one tried to 'clean the aura through photo' (and scientific/reliable way is very important to me), another was checking his phone the whole session and did not listen at all (I used to be able to help better for free), so I am afraid to try again.

[Orlas]

I understand you may not want to go no contact, but the next best thing could be to lay down strong boundaries so you are respected and safe and free to thrive.

I am so happy for you! Oh God, if everyone could just recover and live productive lives and be happy and feel deeply and be all right. But I am glad there is at least one, and hope you will develop even more. )
I am just extremely scared, no matter what I choose - I am a bad person. Either a coward that doesn't live to her full potential out of fear of upsetting mommy, or cold and cruel. And I don't even understand what's the reason for this state I am in - is it just her 'infecting' me with herself, because she influences me so easily, more than anyone else; or it's my fear that messes with me.
I will try to limit contact. But it feels like a half-measure, sort of desperate. )

[Harmony]

Hi Orlas,

For sure there are bad therapists out there. It is hard to find the right fit. If only it were as easy as rubbing magic rocks or photos to heal the pain of childhood trauma. I recommend bibliotherapy that is reading all you can about the subject. We have recommendations from our resources section at isurvive. Become educated on the physical and psychological long term effects. Do keep your scientific intellectual skeptic self alert to what seems right for you emotionally. If there were an easy way to heal all of these then we would need an isurvive. It can get better. Take small steps at your own speed dealing with this.

At isurvive we have information/resources and lots of wonderful healing company. This community is a resource for support for you. There might be resources/therapy for PTSD that could be helpful in your region that are not oriented to childhood trauma but trauma in general.

sending hope,
Harmony