Does anyone else feel this way? I feel alone

[Sherlocked]

Does anyone ever feel like they’re cursed? I worry that what was done to me as a baby, changed something inside me, changed who I am. I understand that ptsd is a whole spectrum of complications and chaos (I’ve felt it firsthand) but I fear that elements of what was done to me imprinted themselves into me, specifically the pedophilia element. I’ve gone over everything in my mind over and over and my godsend of a therapist has been a lifesaver constantly. I’m afraid of my morals and iron will one day not being there to catch me.

I’m already working hard towards being able to aid in criminal justice, I hopefully will be interning with a local sex crimes unit soon. I want to help others. My therapist has reassured me I’m not, will not be my abusers.

Do other survivors worry they’re cursed?

I wasn’t sure where to put this.

[Progress]

You’ve chosen the path of goodness *you* want to take.
You sound like you are putting in so much admirable effort. Maybe you will have to make that effort every day. And take intelligent precautions. You are making that choice to be good. I applaud that.

I understand that feeling like you are “cursed”. As though maybe we are damaged by our abuse and have permanent baggage with us.

My evil, broken mother was a very proactive enabler to the male abusers around her. I am extremely bitter that she was so cruel and her mothering instincts did not kick in. And yet here I find myself questioning whether I am hypocrite. Maybe I became one of those pathetic parents that submissively “looks the other way” and stays in denial about the abuse of my own children going right on under my nose. Where were my mothering instincts. Omg, I turned into a lesser version of my mother.

But, in the end, if you have awareness, you can make the corrections you choose to make. I can’t turn back the clock on my failures. But I can choose to protect and care for my children moving forward.

Good for you for strongly choosing the path you want to take.

Take good care,
Progress

[Harmony]

Sherlocked,

I have been told that CSA by adult offenders is about all control and power differential and rather than sex. It takes someone who doesn't care about others to offend. Are you seeking power or control? Are you a narcissist? I didn't think so.

If that is not you I rather doubt you would be a csa offender. There are so many ways to handle being a long term survivor. We seek to transform that hurt experience into something of purpose. (like volunteer at isurvive ) It sounds like you are well on the way.

There is this part of csa experience that comes from within to be mastered over. That is we want to win. So sometimes people write about being attracted to sick situations like their much like their childhood injuries. (messy relationships, porn, stories, movies that remind us of the injury) In my own experience that is purely the desire to triumph (win instead of being the victim) over abuse story. That is more the attraction than actual interest or desire. That is the imprint. It isn't you. It is the experience where/when you were hurt. You are indeed trying to do good. Don't let this fear of feeling morbidly attracted to your story hold you back. You can be a helper. You can be one of the good guys. You won't offend. You are are not one of them.

I hope this helps. If not ignore

with care,
Harmony

[radladfly]

Sherlocked,
I am a grandmother now. I have five children and eighteen grandchildren. My therapist says that my story is one of resilience. My mother forced me to tell her the truth about why I was so paralyzed after returning from a visit with my father when I was eleven. After I told her, she took me to a doctor whom I told, then she proceeded to say evil things and resent me for years. Neither her nor the doctor did anything to protect me, and he continued to abuse me for seven more years. I too was not able to protect my own beautiful children, I was so afraid of authority and feel that I was trapped in a young body. Through help with my therapist, I am learning to let go of my failures as a parent. I walk alongside my children today and hope to lead and guide them into the healing I am receiving.
It wasn’t your fault and you will heal!