I am just a girl

[sumpuella]

Today I feel grey. I’m thinking through questions in my workbook and can see how my life has been impacted. I wonder what is to become of me. I stayed busy today to avoid down time. Nights are hard. I’m tired yet unable to sleep through. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. That’s all outa me. Gnight

[sumpuella]

Coping skills. What were some ways you coped with your abuse at the time, and what are some ways you cope with it now? How have they changed over time?
For me, I was shocked and didn’t understand what was happening to me at the time. Because of shame I never told anyone and kept it to myself. In time I became angry, and didn’t trust. I drank to feel different. I drank and was promiscuous to try and fix what I knew was broken in my spirit. I hid my feelings and withdrew. However, the drinking turned into a nightmare so I had to quit. I worked the steps with my sponsor to stay alive, and have learned many coping skills that allow me to live day to day without trying to drown myself in booze. The pain and anger remains.
So now, I face the abuse issue in sobriety. I’m scared, but know I must cope in order to move forward. Any suggestions? What works for you in times of stress?

[earthhorse]

I really like your inner voice Sumpuella. Thanks so much for sharing hete.

I wish I knew something that would always work for anger and pain. Sometimes I think just feeling it, and not just being run by it or taken over by it might be the trick.

Might work, might not:

Write it out
Radically change environment
Scream into pillow
Stamp feet
Weed the garden
Smash plates
Talk it out
Go swimming or something else where you can discharge a lot of energy

I don't know if any of these things really work for me, it depends. Ironically chilling out, exercising, tuning in more can increase the hyper arousal and hypersensitivity that makes me feel so angry, I don't even know how to be anything else. Apparently it's a kind of detox. A release of pent up stress in our systems. So I just try and acknowledge it now and set up my life as if I were a kid who suffers from meltdowns.

I retreat. I sit with it. Eventually it passes.

With you,
EH

[sumpuella]

E. H., thank you. After years of stuffing and lying it is wonderful to ask for help. Some days it’s all I can do to stay out of hiding. Others I’m angry. I understand that I’m not responsible for what happened to me yet I do feel profoundly responsible for how I react when I’m overwhelmed.

[earthhorse]

Yeah I hear you on that. I am hiding a lot right now too. My world has gotten too small. But especially around doing any kind of trauma therapy I have learned I will have big reactions and I won't always be in control.

So right now I just have a few people who know, and who get it. And I just withdraw for now from any kind of interaction that won't allow me to safety deal with the overwhelm, or be overwhelmed.

It's not ideal and I'm learning other skills too. But I believe this difficult phase will pass.

What I'm seeing is I wasn't registering a LOT, and now I'm feeling it. I think feeling it is about finally having choices, and not just reacting.

But to be honest , Sumpuella, those reactions even if they are your responsibility, they aren't you. They're the choices you didn't have. They are symptoms. You deserve compassion and understanding and infinite kindness and acceptance.

[sumpuella]

Wow, thank you for this. I had not realized that the way I react now are symptoms. I think I can see it. Let me think on this and write about it. I’ll share with my sponsor. Much appreciated, EH