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Hello all,
I hope you are all doing well and are taking the time to look after yourselves (I say this advice but don’t seem to follow it myself lol) I haven’t posted for a while I’ve been so busy with with work (probably used as a distraction). Ive been reading lots of your posts, and one thing that came to my mind today is what happens to the abusers memory of the events?

If my thoughts were repressed and not worked through for so many years, has that happened to my abuser too? I’ve never asked my abuser if she remembers what happened and don’t plan on doing anytime soon-but am I most affected by it because It happened to me?

I just wondered if the abuser can remember the event are they not feeling guilty? Do they not process it either? Maybe they tell them selves a story to make it all justifiable in their head? Or maybe in denial. I have no idea how it must feel to have done something like take advantage of someone but I’d like to think that I would at least acknowledge that persons version of events, understand and apologise for the hurt and how messed up it makes your life after.

I think the pain has resurfaced for me as it’s Father’s Day coming up and yet again me and my family have been left out of the celebrations so I guess I’m a bit bitter that I feel
Left out and that we are being treated differently (again!)

Just a thought, any one else’s view would be much appreciated, thank you x

Hi Magpie,

This is a question I wonder about a lot too. I wonder if my abuser blocked out what he did, or if he tries not to think about it, or if he doesn't think it was that bad in the first place. I feel a lot of guilt like many survivors do (which we don't deserve) and I wonder how the actual abusers manage their guilt, or if they have it at all?

I wish I had some guidance on this but I'm as lost as you are, especially with people who refuse to acknowledge the impact of what they have done.

I'm sorry to hear that pain is resurfacing for you, but I hope you can navigate it with love and grace for yourself.

With you in the confusion.

plantsandtigers

Thank you so much for your reply plantsandtigers, it is indeed confusing and frustrating and I guess I think about it because when I feel the emotions from what happened coupled with the pain and guilt I now feel because of the way my family treat me now- and considering I haven’t even told them the root of the pain-I’d like to think that people who say they are family and love me- would be feeling that the abuse was wrong. I don’t think my abuser has even worked through the emotions because I believe if she did she would feel like I do, surely.

Thanks for the words, everyone’s own experiences is guidance in itself x

Hi Magpie,

You're welcome. Families can be strange units, where the survival of the family itself can be more important than the individuals within it - I say this from my own experience: since I told some of my family members about the abuse I experienced at the hands of a family member, they have closed ranks and put me on the outside. Most of the time I can't understand this, but sometimes I see that they don't want to lose what they have so they would rather turn a blind eye. That's heartbreaking for me, but I do kind of get it. I just wish they would be braver.

I'm sorry that your family have treated you differently, and by your words I'm assuming not for the better, since you have voiced your pain.

It's so difficult to understand abusers, and why they act the way they do. It sounds like you wish that your abuser was a person who took responsibility for her actions and empathised with your pain, and I resonate with that too. Sometimes I read books about abusers and their mindsets, lately my T has said to me to let go and not try to understand him, and I think he has a point. Maybe we don't need to understand them to move on?

If any of this is unhelpful please disregard, but I'm thinking of you Magpie.

plantsandtigers

Thank you all very helpful and supportive much needed right now, back to you too and anyone else who is feeling the pain a little deeper right now x

From what i understand, from my very screwed up past with abusers it depends on who it is. Some abusers don't see what they are doing is harmful. Some enjoy causing pain, and some are very veru broken from their own past abuse and are in a hellish cycle. I've even read stories in RA cases where the abusers are equally tramatized, tortured, and brainwashed.
It is important to remember that no matter the abusers reasons or excuses that YOU are the victim here and not let them gaslight you because of their broken past.