Bottled feelings towards mum (Tw)

[Nelll]

Hi everyone.
I hope you're all okay, please know I'm thinking of you all.

I have some complicated feelings towards my mum. Growing up I was always a "daddy's girl" and I still am. As a child I would I openly tell my mum that although I loved her, I didn't like her very much. I didn't see this as an issue when I was younger(I was probably about 5), I was simply being honest.
I don't have any good memories of my parents being together, just fighting and doors shutting on my face and ruined Christmases. I had alot of meetings at primary school with my parents about things I had told them about home life, I don't remember those moments that much though. I know my mum shouted at me for embarrassing her like that.

As time went on, our relationship got so much worse. And I know teenage girls don't get on with their mum's sometimes, but this was different. Well atleast, I think it was. Surely it can't be normal.
I was raped at 12. I could see the place where it happened from my bedroom window. I tried to take my life on numerous occasions and I was always cutting myself.
When she found out that I had self harmed, I was grounded for 2 weeks. This happened alot untill I got better at hiding it.

I started drinking at a very young age, I was always drinking whiskey that I stole from my step dad. The fights we had over this were awful. I still see her face in mine, screaming relentlessly threatening all sorts whilst trying to shove the end of the glass bottle into my mouth.

Her boyfriend (now husband) is a horrible man, he bullied me every time I was home. I was punched by my partner and he laughed at my black eye. I was around 13. When I cut my arm to the point I was rushed to hospital he said "oh look she's gone and cut her arm, HAHA" I hate him. So much.

I moved in with my dad when I was about 14 as he broke his back and needed someone to look after him. She has always said how heart broken she was about how I choose him over her.

Since then, and growing up, I have always tried to do best by her. She has never made an effort to see me, I always walk to her. I made her wedding flowers (that I wasn't invented to) just generally made effort to make our relationship better. But she drains the life from me. She is a power house of anxiety that she's fueled into all of us. She ways says how proud she is for the way she brought us up, we never ask her for anything. We have been told no all of our lives, so why would we ask?
She scraped soap into our mouths, chased us around with her rings turned around. She would punish us for the strangest of things. I remember coming home to my room completely empty, nothing but a mattress on the floor. This happened because I was late for school. She didn't change it back untill I moved out.

Again, I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm just angry with her and I'm really trying to move past it. She doesn't deserve to feel proud of the way she brought us up.

I hope I don't end up deleting this, as it's something I hold with me all of the time.

Nelll

[gods_child]

Nelll,

Sending you safe hugs if okay ((((( Nelll ))))). You are so brave to share those painful memories from your past. No need to delete your post. Your words have been heard. I am so sorry you were so hurt and not protected as a child. You deserved to receive unconditional love, care, and protection. It's understandable that you would feel anger towards your mother. Of course she shouldn't be proud of the traumatic childhood she force upon you. Feel free to keep letting your feelings out. We care and will continue support you here.

- gc

[Nelll]

Hi godschild,
Sorry I am just getting to replying to this. I didn't actually realise anyone had replied to this at all. So thank you for doing so, also thank you for the reassurance about deleting this post. And everything.

Hugs are welcome, thank you.

We haven't spoken in a little while, I hope you're doing well, gc.

I've not spoken to my mum for a couple of weeks, I normally try and keep in touch as she gets all bitter and twisted otherwise. But I just haven't bothered. It's my birthday soon and normally it's me to organise something for people's birthdays, just to get us together. Whether it's for a walk in the park or just a video call (covid). But I suppose that won't happen.
We all live in the same small town, I'm the only one who doesn't drive and the only one who makes an effort. It's almost laughable.

I have a beautiful relationship with my dad and my dads side of the family, which I am so greatful for. I just wish my mum and sisters would be nicer.
Nelll

[Chessgirl]

Oh Nell

I’m so sorry. I can relate to some of the stuff you have said about your relationship with your mom. It stings having to go through life without a good relationship with your mother. That relationship is so necessary. I don’t blame you for going to live with your dad! Ugh made me so mad your mom and step dad got mad at you for sh! My mom didn’t ground me but she yelled at me about it. Didn’t care one bit about my pain. I, too, began drinking at a young age and would get in trouble for it a lot. Turned into an alcoholic and am in recovery now. I’m just so sorry you experienced such pain and trauma. You are not alone.

[Nelll]

Chessgirl,
Thank you so much for your response. It really means alot for people to see the real side to it all. I thought I was going crazy thinking that it wasn't right.
I'm so sorry you've been able to relate to this though, i find it insane how some "adults" react to their own childs pain especially when it comes to sh. I was always "I only do this because I care" and I honestly think she believed what she was saying.

Well done you for your journey recovery, I hope that is going well?
Thank you again for your response. I can't put into words what I means to me.
Nelll