Feeling Rejected When Seeking Help?

[gods_child]

This is kind of general so I hope it's okay to post here. I've been struggling way more than normal. I'm trying to get back into therapy. I tried going through a place I thought I felt comfortable. I went there years ago. I took a big step and made the call. Now there are two things bugging me:

1) Why does this lady always sound so rude? Calling the crisis line still routes you through the main desk. I was told I had to leave a name and number for someone to call me back. I was surprised, wasn't used to that, and was really hoping to remain anonymous. Her response was very matter of fact, cold, and lacking in compassion. I almost hung up. I'm glad I didn't. I used a fake name and my real number. Glad I did stuck with it, the person calling me back as an angel. She was a great help and encouraged me to call back whenever especially while I waited to get long-term help set up.

2) I placed a called to get into therapy and left a message for the therapy coordinator. After a day I called back and got that lady at the main desk again. She again, very matter-of-factly explained she wouldn't know because those people are working from home. Again, started I responded with something hen she offered to take me info to and pass it on. She asks a couple questions and bluntly informs me they are only seeing new or recent survivors right now due to limited slots. So maybe group, but nothing individual.

I hang from the second call feeling embarrassed, irrelevant, and rejected with my head spinning. Maybe it's me, but I barely felt any compassion or comforting. I immediately feel myself diving deeper into an abyss and I want to call the crisis line again. Only I can't I'll get the lady again before she dispatches someone to call me back. I feel more justified in my feelings when the same lady calls me (using my fake name) back as a follow-up to yesterday's crisis call . She want to know I need help scheduling therapy since that was mentioned. I felt I didn't have an option, but to tell her I'm the same person. So.. can I even call that line again? I don't want to speak to her again. I don't want her to know I need to all again. Sigh... friends, this doesn't feel good.

[roseglasses]

Oh gosh, Gods_Child, I am so sorry for that, I know her job must be stressful, but to be rude to people that are calling because they need help is beyond wrong, I'm sorry that you have to deal with that.
I can understand that you don't want to deal with that again. Don't let a rude person make you turn away from what you need. You call back as many times as you need, maybe you could even ask if there is anyone else you can speak with, or if you're uncomfortable doing that, when you are finally able to get through to someone else, could you ask for a direct line number, and tell them that the person on the first call isn't all that nice and if possible you'd rather not speak with her. They might be able to speak with the lady and maybe her attitude will change.
If not, would it be possible to go through a different place?

[Crow]

Oh gods_child I get that feeling totally! Trouble is I can imagine how you feel before you call... I go over and over playing it in my head, and then get so worked up, then tell myself it'll be fine, then get the same treatment, feel justified in my thoughts, but feel stupid for calling, and then spend hours if not days feeling rejected and hurt. Maybe I'm off the mark, but I understand how you feel right now if I'm right.

A song plays through my head... it's by Pantera... Throes Of Rejection I think it is called..."Rejection, it ain't a f**king game, rejection, is feeding what I am."

Sitting with you gods_child.

Crow

[gods_child]

Thank you roseglasses and Crow for your support. I keep wanting to say more. It's just so hard. The days are drawing longer and longer. I'll be ok, I'll keep saying that to myself. I'll try to keep reaching out. I'm exhausted. And I don't know about calling that particular place again. It seems like that same person always answers. She's the only person going into the office during the pandemic. I dunno, <shrugs shoulders>

[gods_child]

I did it. I reached out again. I poured out my emotions. We got disconnected.

[Crow]

Oh gods_child... I'll pop into chat if you're there still...

[gods_child]

Thanks for the support, Crow. The day is full of ups and downs. I'm trying to ride the waves and not give up until I get the help I need.

[gods_child]

Well it's the middle of the night again. I barely slept and my heart is still racing. This is around the time it gets really rough for me. I don't know that I can reach out for more specialized help tonight/this morning. I'm tired. I'm sure I'll make it in the end, but this is exhausting. Hoping you all are getting more sleep than me.
- gc

[gods_child]

I still couldn't sleep and felt so bad. So I went to a place with trained people to chat. I mentioned not wanting to have to go back there. I got reminded of how they are only a short term tool not a sub for counseling. I already knew that. I don't think I'll go back now. I feel like I did something wrong, but I didn't. I don't think. I probably shouldn't post this. I may delete it soon, Just wanted to share.

edit: I now I wish I would've just run away from there like I wanted. Silly me for trying that again. I feel marked as a "problem child" now.

[roseglasses]

You did nothing wrong by going there, you needed help and you sought it.