Swallowed by sadness

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Nelll
Member
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2020 3:03 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Nelll »

Thank you so much Crow, this is super helpful.
My garden is pretty small and normally just consists of pigeons but I'm okay with that 😊 hopefully more will turn up in time once I have everything sorted.
We rent also so I have a few small potted plants but they are dead now due to the winter.

I was not aware of the peanuts being crushed and that completly makes sense!

I will keep probably let you know how this goes in the next coming weeks. Please ignore if not for you.

Thank you again!
Nelll
Last edited by Jonesy on Tue Feb 16, 2021 8:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Crow »

I look forward to hearing all about it :)
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Nelll
Member
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2020 3:03 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Nelll »

Just adding here as I don't know how to process this and j don't want to go into it with actually words with anyone else.

I just took my doggo for a short walk, we went where we usually Do. A small green just down the road from where I work. (He comes to work with us)
I normally see I girl who was the year above me.in school, I had avoided telling her my name and always left pretty quickly when she turned up.
It always felt probably too paranoid but it wasn't worth the risk.

Today my fears came true.

Before I knew it she was behind me standing with her dog and another girl from my school. They were clearly spending the day together or whatever. The girl who she came with instantly knew my name. "You're _____ ____aren't you?" "Errrm yeah, yeah I am" as I quickly look for scooby (my doggo) to get him on the lead and leave again. Untill she said
"You used to be with ___ ___ Didn't you" it's hard without mentioning names but this person she was referring too was the person who raped me and then had almost all of the school bully me for "begging for it". I was in year 8 (I was 12)

I couldn't speak, she probably only remembered that our names were said a bunch during school and put the two together. It wasnt her fault.. but I'm so angry.
I'm so fed up of being ashamed of my own name just incase someone says something like that. I've used a nickname since.
This was 9 years ago and his name still follows me everywhere. he took my innocence, my childhood and now he's worming his way into my adult life.

I will share more about this in the future, I'm not ready yet.

Damn, and today was going well. :(
Nelll
Last edited by Jonesy on Tue Feb 16, 2021 8:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Crow »

Oh I'm so sorry Nelll.
I am so angry reading this. Like you say, it's not her fault... but it triggered you and that's okay. I presume you're back at work? Can you talk to your dad about what just happened so he understands?

In my fantasy land in my head I've got hold of that 'boy' and I'm putting him through a whole world of pain! (As a man obviously though.)
You were the age my daughter is now and I don't even want to think about it...

You shouldn't have to deal with those triggers... try and take some time... Maybe see if you can go home for the afternoon?

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Nelll
Member
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2020 3:03 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Nelll »

Thank you Crow, I'll be leaving work in 30 minutes. I spent some time crying doing the washing up.

I feel so tired, to tired to explain to anyone using my words rather than my thumbs.

I hope if your doing pancake Day, you have alot of fun doing so

Nelll
Last edited by Jonesy on Tue Feb 16, 2021 8:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Crow »

Hi Nelll,

Hope you're feeling a bit better now.
We did have pancakes :D pretty much all absolutely stuffed now! :lol:

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Crow »

Hi Nelll,

Hope all is going well for you. Any updates on the avian visitors to your garden since getting yourself a bird table?

I hope you're doing okay and haven't had to deal with any more situations at the park like you mentioned earlier in this thread.
Thinking of you.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Nelll
Member
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2020 3:03 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Nelll »

Hi Crow,
Sorry I've been quiet, I have been reading your posts etc but Ive been so empty recently. Never knowing what to say, hiding my head in the sand.

I sadly have barely looked at the bird house, I was so excited about it but then spent most of my time at work, or in bed.

There was another rape joke today, it bothered me but then racism started to fly around the office like a pigeon that's eaten a handful of blue smarties. It's made me ever so much more sad. I hate this world sometimes.

I feel so useless and small. I haven't done what I need to do at work for weeks, just staring at all my emails that are in red.
Wanting to disappear is to very real right now.

I've been thinking more about writing that letter to my cousin, I need some time alone though and that doesn't happen often.

That's enough rambling, I see you've been having a hard time recently. Your always in my thoughts and I hope you're okay. Please feel free to come to this thread if you ever want to, to rant or share feelings.

Nell
Last edited by Jonesy on Wed Mar 10, 2021 1:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering detail
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Crow »

Nelll,

No need to apologise at all. I've realised myself that it is okay to not respond to people's posts... There's no expectations. If we can't we can't. And if we just don't want to that's okay too. I've realised my limitations in life and here on the forum, and that's fine. Some people may get it and others may not.

I'm sorry to hear that things are rough at the moment. If I remember rightly, you work in a small family business? Can't something be done about the jokes and racism?

Thank you for your kindness as always Nelll.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Nelll
Member
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2020 3:03 pm

Re: Swallowed by sadness

Post by Nelll »

Hi.
I'm am broken today. I can barely see my screen through tears. I am barely keeping afloat at the moment. I wish things would change.i wish I was stronger. I need help.

Oh, I am broken.
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