Swallowed by sadness

[Nelll]

I keep trying to remind myself that I am getting better. I've started cooking meals again, even if it's just banging something in the oven. 4 months of takeaways just wasn't good. It really effected my weight as you can imagine and even when I was 8stone I had horrible issues with my body. I don't let my other half see me completed naked, I pull his hand away if he touches my stomach. It's just feels horrible.

I've forced myself to start painting again, something I've always done but I struggle to think what I'm doing is any good. I end up just scribbling all over it or ripping it up. My other half watches this with much confusion.

I've kept on top of the washing up for the first time in what feels like forever. No more piles and eating off of toilet paper, because I just can't be bothered.

I clean our flat every weekend now, but I still feel like is disgusting all of the time.

I am getting them and I will continue to get better. I'm in the happiest relationship I have ever been in and I have all the live and support from my friends and family I could ask for. bar a few things but I'm keeping things away from them.

Ive got this. And you do too.

Nelll

[coconuts]

Every step is an accomplishment. And yes celebrate them. It might seem silly to some people but they dont realize how hard it is to live with yourself when you are feeling this way.

I do know that bashing myself does little good to make the situation better. But accepting that even simple things sre hard and are achievements helps.

[Nelll]

I've been staring at a wall at work since I came back from Christmas. I haven't been doing what I need to do but still stressing about all of the things I need to do.
Over the last two days I have been trying my best. Although I play a game in between doing things on my phone, it has an advert every time you get another go so I work between then. It's not perfect, but its helping me stay focused and not start thinking and crying, because then I'm done for.

I keep writing these things in here because I must remember them. I must know that it takes time and it's all small steps. I can't be too hard on myself.

It may also help anyone going through a similar thing.

My goals forward are continue with work and try and get a better mind set on working out.

I hope if anyone's reading this, that you're doing well.

Nelll

[Crow]

Reading along Nelll. I'm having a reflective day today. Not so focused on others right now, I hope you don't mind. Just wanted to say that I've seen your post.
I have also been thinking... I know it's totally different, but I was so stressed about talking to my dad about leaving work and my mental health etc. And it turned out well after all my anxiety about talking to him... and I wondered if you had thought any more about talking to your dad... about your struggles... about what happened... it may turn out okay. But, you are the best judge of that. I just know how much loving support helps in healing.
Thinking of you Nelll.

Crow

[Jonesy]

Hi Nelll

I hope if anyone's reading this, that you're doing well.

Right here with you too

[Nelll]

Hi Crow,
I'm glad your focusing on yourself, Crow. I do not mind in the slightest.
The moment I think about telling my dad about me struggling, I feel so much guilt. I feel like I've instantly let him down. I know this is silly, but I can't shake that feeling.
I don't want to be viewed as "damaged". I think I carry that through the situation at school. I've really put on a huge front since then.

I'm having a bad day today. I was fine untill I heard someone make a rape joke. I won't repeat it but I felt pain wash over me and now I can't stop crying.
I've been thinking about SH today. It's been about 2 years, I'm proud of that. Just so everyone knows, I won't be doing anything to harm myself, and I'm safe.
Im having so many emotions I can't think straight. I'm trying not to swear but fuck this sucks.
Sorry for the rant, i suppose it shouldn't have been in the same message to you crow, I'm just venting.

I hope your okay today.

[Nelll]

Thank you Jonesy,

I really do appreciate it.

Nelll

[Crow]

Hi Nelll,

Sorry you're struggling today... that's okay though. I've realised on reflection that I've needed those hard days to help me see what I need or to dig into why I'm feeling those feelings. (Especially more important for me who is on a DIY healing journey without a therapist or similar.)

The moment I think about telling my dad about me struggling, I feel so much guilt. I feel like I've instantly let him down. I know this is silly, but I can't shake that feeling.

This isn't silly Nelll. They are your feelings and that is okay. I was told recently (can't remember what the context was) by another member here that my feelings weren't silly as I had suggested because it's just how I'm feeling. I suppose it's hard when our feelings haven't mattered for so much of our lives (or that we were led to believe) to really believe that how we feel is okay and important.

As for the joke, yeah, that's a tough one to hear. I don't understand people who make sick jokes. In my most recent job one of the guys I managed was always talking about his ex manager before me, and one day he laughed and said in a sinister voice that he thought that the guy must have been abused as a child because he was so weird... I'm not sure how I kept quiet and didn't say anything.

It's hard I know, but please remember your achievements - two years without SH is brilliant. It's okay to feel this way, and I encourage you to take as many moments as you need... get grounded, get some fresh air if you can.

Crow

[lorto]

Alot of us are very familiar to this pain:( when it gets tough for me I try to do projects around the house or even go to the gym or call
someone and talk about it.

I hope this helps

[there]

Nelll,

With you too.
I’m pretty much on top of the dishwashing myself, but laundry is another scene completely.