Letting it out and letting it go
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, Jonesy
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Letting it out and letting it go
Hello everyone. I just joined isurvive and have spent the first couple days reading. There are so many stories and I relate to many of the thoughts and feelings you all shared. I’ve never really told my story, not with too much detail anyway. I wrote about it and allowed a few people to read it. I’m not one for talking too much about emotional things. I avoid it any way I can most of the time, as I learned to do growing up in my family.
My childhood was pretty good. My parents, older sister, and I would go on fun vacations once or twice a year. We celebrated all the holidays, with Christmas being the most memorable. We had a big extended family and we spent a lot of time together. From the outside looking in, we were a normal suburban family of the 1970’s. It all fell apart in 1980 when my parents divorced, I was eleven.
My family was close but nobody really talked about anything. I don’t really know how I learned it but I always knew (and still know) you keep your feelings to yourself and your emotions in check. So, when all the crappy stuff that happens in a divorce would come up, I’d ride off on my bike somewhere. I don’t recall talking about the divorce with either of my parents. My older sister was 14 at the time. She was in high school and wasn’t handling the separation of our family well, as I recall. My memories from that time are few and faded. I do recall having a couple angry meltdowns and being told to “buck up little camper.” I recall my sister having a lot of problems and my parents helping her in some way, with therapy I think. I remember feeling like I didn’t have the right to feel the way I felt. I felt like I didn’t want to be a burden or cause more problems because everyone had enough to deal without me making ‘mountains out of molehills.’ And so it began…
At eleven I learned to put other’s needs before my own. I learned if I said I was fine, and pretended I was fine, everyone would leave me alone, which is what I thought I wanted. I didn’t want to share my feelings and I didn’t want to hear anyone share theirs. I just wanted to go to school, hand out with friends sometimes, ride my motor scooter all over the place, and just try to be happy.
My parents’ divorce was sometime in late winter of 1980. My grandparents had an apartment on a beach and my parents decided it would be good for me to get away and stay with them a few months later for the summer. I don’t remember if I wanted to go but I probably did, and I’d spent time there many times before. I got on a plane by myself and flew the couple hours to my grandparents. I got ‘wings’ from the pilot and extra attention since I was eleven and flying alone, which I remember very well. I was probably thinking it would be a good summer. I was wrong.
My uncle, Mom’s youngest brother and only about 8 or so years older than me, was also at my grandparents. I don’t remember if he was already there when I got there, if he came later, how long he was there, how long I was there, or anything else about that summer except for one thing, and that is when my uncle woke me up one night.
Now this is when I usually stop and say, “Yeah, he woke me up and touched me inappropriately but it’s really not a big deal.” If I compare what my uncle did to me with what other women have gone through I decide I need to get over it already. I decide I can’t believe I still think about this ‘event’ and beat myself up for allowing it to be an issue for me. Which it is. An issue. I’m sure it is the root cause of my fear of intimacy. I’m sure it’s the reason I’ve never allowed myself to be in any real romantic relationship. I’m sure it’s part of the reason I have attachment issues, fears of abandonment, and have trouble giving voice to what is in my head (actually speaking, not writing). I’m sure the other part of these things I struggle with is my parent’s divorce and their lack of emotional support, which years ago I began to believe was emotional abuse, or at least neglect. And I’m sure the fact that these two events happened in the same year, just months apart from each other, was a double-whammy that caused me to build my protective walls, go inside my head, and live that way for the most part for the next 40 years.
I want to let out my story and let it go. I want to find good friends, have a social life, meet a woman (I’m lesbian), love and be loved, and live the next half of my life much differently than the first. I want to be able to talk about this with people I’m close to and not feel ashamed. The only thing I don’t want to do, and refuse to do, is tell my family, specifically my parents. I want to move forward from this without the family involved. I moved very far away from my family in the early 1990’s and, while I still speak with my parents once in a while, I’m not very close with them and would be happy to keep the superficial relationship we have the way it is. Yes, this decision is probably fear based and shame based but I don’t care why I don’t want to tell them, only that I’m certain I don’t, and won’t. All that being said, here is what happened:
As I mentioned, I was at my grandparents for the summer and my uncle was there also. We shared a bedroom. A relatively large room with two twin beds. My bed was closest to the sliding glass door and furthest from the door to inside the apartment. I was sleeping and woke up to my uncle feeling my vagina with his fingers. He kept feeling and I remember thinking that it felt good. I don’t know how long before I moved. It wasn’t too long before he put his finger inside me and started pushing up my vagina. Again, it felt good and I wasn’t really thinking or really understanding but I know I felt scared. Then he pushed his finger up further and it hurt. I flinched and tried to pull my legs together. When I did that he pulled his finger out of me and quickly went back to his bed. I heard him sucking on his finger. I wanted to throw up and became even more scared. I stayed in my bed awake for what felt like hours. I wanted to make sure my uncle was sleeping before I tried to leave the room. I heard him start to snore a bit, quietly, and decided I would try to get out of the room without waking him up. I started to slide out of my bed as quietly as I could. I got to the floor and started crawling as quietly as I could. I’d hear my uncle move or breathe and I’d stop and wait on the floor before moving. I don’t know how long it actually took me to get to the door but it felt like forever. When I finally got to the door I slowly stood up, made sure the door wasn’t locked, then really fast I opened the door. As soon as I opened the door my uncle woke up. I didn’t see him but I heard him and I ran out the door and closed it behind me. I went to my grandparent’s bedroom. I went to my grandmother’s side of the bed, kneeled on the floor beside her, and woke her up. I wanted to tell her what happened. She asked me what was wrong. I said [my uncle’s name]. She said what about him. I stopped myself. I don’t remember why I stopped other than I was afraid to tell her. I said he is snoring can I sleep with you and she said yes so I crawled in bed with her and tried to sleep. My mind is blank after that. I don’t remember waking up. I don’t remember what happened after that. I know he never touched me again but I don’t remember the rest of that summer. My mind is a blank before and after but I remember that night with vivid detail. I can still feel the carpet on my knees as I crawled. I still feel lightly touching the blinds on the sliding door and fearing they made enough noise to wake up my uncle. I think I stayed on the floor for a long time before I began to crawl slowly, and I do mean slowly. And now that I’ve let this out here, I really want to let it go and stop allowing myself to be controlled by the fear and shame I have felt for years.
By the way, I chose the name Athena because she was the Greek Goddess of War, the female counterpart of Ares. I feel like I've been fighting an internal war nearly my whole life.
My childhood was pretty good. My parents, older sister, and I would go on fun vacations once or twice a year. We celebrated all the holidays, with Christmas being the most memorable. We had a big extended family and we spent a lot of time together. From the outside looking in, we were a normal suburban family of the 1970’s. It all fell apart in 1980 when my parents divorced, I was eleven.
My family was close but nobody really talked about anything. I don’t really know how I learned it but I always knew (and still know) you keep your feelings to yourself and your emotions in check. So, when all the crappy stuff that happens in a divorce would come up, I’d ride off on my bike somewhere. I don’t recall talking about the divorce with either of my parents. My older sister was 14 at the time. She was in high school and wasn’t handling the separation of our family well, as I recall. My memories from that time are few and faded. I do recall having a couple angry meltdowns and being told to “buck up little camper.” I recall my sister having a lot of problems and my parents helping her in some way, with therapy I think. I remember feeling like I didn’t have the right to feel the way I felt. I felt like I didn’t want to be a burden or cause more problems because everyone had enough to deal without me making ‘mountains out of molehills.’ And so it began…
At eleven I learned to put other’s needs before my own. I learned if I said I was fine, and pretended I was fine, everyone would leave me alone, which is what I thought I wanted. I didn’t want to share my feelings and I didn’t want to hear anyone share theirs. I just wanted to go to school, hand out with friends sometimes, ride my motor scooter all over the place, and just try to be happy.
My parents’ divorce was sometime in late winter of 1980. My grandparents had an apartment on a beach and my parents decided it would be good for me to get away and stay with them a few months later for the summer. I don’t remember if I wanted to go but I probably did, and I’d spent time there many times before. I got on a plane by myself and flew the couple hours to my grandparents. I got ‘wings’ from the pilot and extra attention since I was eleven and flying alone, which I remember very well. I was probably thinking it would be a good summer. I was wrong.
My uncle, Mom’s youngest brother and only about 8 or so years older than me, was also at my grandparents. I don’t remember if he was already there when I got there, if he came later, how long he was there, how long I was there, or anything else about that summer except for one thing, and that is when my uncle woke me up one night.
Now this is when I usually stop and say, “Yeah, he woke me up and touched me inappropriately but it’s really not a big deal.” If I compare what my uncle did to me with what other women have gone through I decide I need to get over it already. I decide I can’t believe I still think about this ‘event’ and beat myself up for allowing it to be an issue for me. Which it is. An issue. I’m sure it is the root cause of my fear of intimacy. I’m sure it’s the reason I’ve never allowed myself to be in any real romantic relationship. I’m sure it’s part of the reason I have attachment issues, fears of abandonment, and have trouble giving voice to what is in my head (actually speaking, not writing). I’m sure the other part of these things I struggle with is my parent’s divorce and their lack of emotional support, which years ago I began to believe was emotional abuse, or at least neglect. And I’m sure the fact that these two events happened in the same year, just months apart from each other, was a double-whammy that caused me to build my protective walls, go inside my head, and live that way for the most part for the next 40 years.
I want to let out my story and let it go. I want to find good friends, have a social life, meet a woman (I’m lesbian), love and be loved, and live the next half of my life much differently than the first. I want to be able to talk about this with people I’m close to and not feel ashamed. The only thing I don’t want to do, and refuse to do, is tell my family, specifically my parents. I want to move forward from this without the family involved. I moved very far away from my family in the early 1990’s and, while I still speak with my parents once in a while, I’m not very close with them and would be happy to keep the superficial relationship we have the way it is. Yes, this decision is probably fear based and shame based but I don’t care why I don’t want to tell them, only that I’m certain I don’t, and won’t. All that being said, here is what happened:
As I mentioned, I was at my grandparents for the summer and my uncle was there also. We shared a bedroom. A relatively large room with two twin beds. My bed was closest to the sliding glass door and furthest from the door to inside the apartment. I was sleeping and woke up to my uncle feeling my vagina with his fingers. He kept feeling and I remember thinking that it felt good. I don’t know how long before I moved. It wasn’t too long before he put his finger inside me and started pushing up my vagina. Again, it felt good and I wasn’t really thinking or really understanding but I know I felt scared. Then he pushed his finger up further and it hurt. I flinched and tried to pull my legs together. When I did that he pulled his finger out of me and quickly went back to his bed. I heard him sucking on his finger. I wanted to throw up and became even more scared. I stayed in my bed awake for what felt like hours. I wanted to make sure my uncle was sleeping before I tried to leave the room. I heard him start to snore a bit, quietly, and decided I would try to get out of the room without waking him up. I started to slide out of my bed as quietly as I could. I got to the floor and started crawling as quietly as I could. I’d hear my uncle move or breathe and I’d stop and wait on the floor before moving. I don’t know how long it actually took me to get to the door but it felt like forever. When I finally got to the door I slowly stood up, made sure the door wasn’t locked, then really fast I opened the door. As soon as I opened the door my uncle woke up. I didn’t see him but I heard him and I ran out the door and closed it behind me. I went to my grandparent’s bedroom. I went to my grandmother’s side of the bed, kneeled on the floor beside her, and woke her up. I wanted to tell her what happened. She asked me what was wrong. I said [my uncle’s name]. She said what about him. I stopped myself. I don’t remember why I stopped other than I was afraid to tell her. I said he is snoring can I sleep with you and she said yes so I crawled in bed with her and tried to sleep. My mind is blank after that. I don’t remember waking up. I don’t remember what happened after that. I know he never touched me again but I don’t remember the rest of that summer. My mind is a blank before and after but I remember that night with vivid detail. I can still feel the carpet on my knees as I crawled. I still feel lightly touching the blinds on the sliding door and fearing they made enough noise to wake up my uncle. I think I stayed on the floor for a long time before I began to crawl slowly, and I do mean slowly. And now that I’ve let this out here, I really want to let it go and stop allowing myself to be controlled by the fear and shame I have felt for years.
By the way, I chose the name Athena because she was the Greek Goddess of War, the female counterpart of Ares. I feel like I've been fighting an internal war nearly my whole life.
Last edited by Jonesy on Wed Sep 23, 2020 8:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to ST, as graphic triggering detail included
Reason: Changed MT to ST, as graphic triggering detail included
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Re: Letting it out and letting it go
dear Athena,
just reading your introduction and story, my immediate inner reaction is to want to give you an enormous embrace... I could hear the tears in your words... what your uncle did is so disgusting; not to mention, criminal. There was no one there for you, no one.
Welcome.
Your story matters!
Your heart matters
(((Athena))))
just reading your introduction and story, my immediate inner reaction is to want to give you an enormous embrace... I could hear the tears in your words... what your uncle did is so disgusting; not to mention, criminal. There was no one there for you, no one.
Welcome.
Your story matters!
Your heart matters
(((Athena))))
"A chipmunk for you..."
*plucks out the most beautiful flower and gives it to you - a baby chipmunk curled up and sleeping within its petals!...*
*plucks out the most beautiful flower and gives it to you - a baby chipmunk curled up and sleeping within its petals!...*
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Re: Letting it out and letting it go
Thank you ChipmunksRunFree. I appreciate your heartfelt reply and virtual hug, which I literally felt. I'm glad I found a safe place to share my story.
As I said, I never really have told anyone the details of what happened. I've shared parts here and there but to really let it out... no, haven't done that until now.
I look forward to reading more stories. It feels good to know I'm not alone and my feelings are valid and I have a right to feel the way I do. I struggle with believing I matter so thank you for telling me I do.
(((hugs back to you)))
Athena
As I said, I never really have told anyone the details of what happened. I've shared parts here and there but to really let it out... no, haven't done that until now.
I look forward to reading more stories. It feels good to know I'm not alone and my feelings are valid and I have a right to feel the way I do. I struggle with believing I matter so thank you for telling me I do.
(((hugs back to you)))
Athena
Last edited by Jonesy on Tue Sep 22, 2020 6:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
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Re: Letting it out and letting it go
Hi Athena,
I wanted to say hi as your story really spoke to me, so thank you for sharing. In particular the parts of about emotional neglect, the impact of divorce, and learning to just take it all on yourself when very young - and the impacts on your relationships/intimacy now - feel very familiar to me.
Well done for being brave enough to tell your story - especially the part you say you haven't shared before - this is an awful thing to have happened and an impossible thing for a child to process by themselves.
Dragonelle
I wanted to say hi as your story really spoke to me, so thank you for sharing. In particular the parts of about emotional neglect, the impact of divorce, and learning to just take it all on yourself when very young - and the impacts on your relationships/intimacy now - feel very familiar to me.
Well done for being brave enough to tell your story - especially the part you say you haven't shared before - this is an awful thing to have happened and an impossible thing for a child to process by themselves.
Dragonelle
"There's going to come a day when you feel better, you'll rise up free and easy on that day" - the Mountain Goats
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Re: Letting it out and letting it go
Hi Athena
Adding my warm welcome to the mix - may you soon feel at ease here with us
Adding my warm welcome to the mix - may you soon feel at ease here with us
You are important
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
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Re: Letting it out and letting it go
Welcome Athena:
I don't have much to add other than what has already been said except you are not alone by any means and you are very deserving of whatever it is you choose for yourself in your life. I can relate to your story on many levels and I look forward to getting to know you better here.
Best wishes,
kindness
I don't have much to add other than what has already been said except you are not alone by any means and you are very deserving of whatever it is you choose for yourself in your life. I can relate to your story on many levels and I look forward to getting to know you better here.
Best wishes,
kindness
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Re: Letting it out and letting it go
Thank you all for reading my story and sharing your kind words. It makes me feel better to know there are other people with similar feelings as me. I'll be in and out of here reading and sharing and supporting as much as I can. I look forward to getting to know all of you. I really appreciate this safe space and supportive space.
(((hugs)))
Athena
(((hugs)))
Athena
Last edited by Jonesy on Wed Sep 23, 2020 8:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
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Re: Letting it out and letting it go
Welcome. Your story is so relatable. Not showing the emotions. Not being able to tell. Just so many things. My whole heart goes out to you. That is such a confusing place to be in for a child. Thank you for being brave enough to finally be able to release that after so long. I really hate to see that most of us tend to put others before ourselves without really knowing it. Here's to finally putting YOU first! (I've been told my entire life that I was selfish. I just dont seem to remember it that way. Maybe angry and a little out of touch with reality but not selfish. Oh well). Here for you! And also, I hope I do not offend but a pat on the back for actually putting up walls. Some of us never set boundaries after things like this and get pulled into extremely horrific lifestyles.
Last edited by Jonesy on Wed Sep 23, 2020 8:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
somewhereinbetweenlostandfound
"It doesn't get easier, we just get stronger."
"It doesn't get easier, we just get stronger."
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Re: Letting it out and letting it go
Thank you somewhereinbetween. I'm glad my story is relatable. I sure wish it never happened but it did so if it can help others understand their own experiences and feelings then I'm glad I told it.
I've never heard anyone say it was good for me to put up walls, and refer to them as boundaries. I REALLY appreciate that. I never looked at them as boundaries but they were, and are, it was the only way for me to set them because I couldn't communicate how I was feeling. I understand about selfishness. I don't believe I am selfish at all but my walls probably make it seem like I am to others. I never learned about boundaries and I struggle with having good ones. I find it really hard to deal with other people's boundaries, and I struggle with setting my own without pushing people away and appearing like I don't care, when if fact I probably care too much.
I've been working hard this past year to voice my feelings, to learn and form healthy boundaries, and to find other ways to practice selfcare that doesn't involve isolating distracting myself. It's really hard to change at 50 but I'm working on it!
Thank you again for your heartfelt reply. I'm grateful to be here.
Athena
I've never heard anyone say it was good for me to put up walls, and refer to them as boundaries. I REALLY appreciate that. I never looked at them as boundaries but they were, and are, it was the only way for me to set them because I couldn't communicate how I was feeling. I understand about selfishness. I don't believe I am selfish at all but my walls probably make it seem like I am to others. I never learned about boundaries and I struggle with having good ones. I find it really hard to deal with other people's boundaries, and I struggle with setting my own without pushing people away and appearing like I don't care, when if fact I probably care too much.
I've been working hard this past year to voice my feelings, to learn and form healthy boundaries, and to find other ways to practice selfcare that doesn't involve isolating distracting myself. It's really hard to change at 50 but I'm working on it!
Thank you again for your heartfelt reply. I'm grateful to be here.
Athena
Last edited by Harmony on Wed Sep 23, 2020 4:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering content nor language.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering content nor language.
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Re: Letting it out and letting it go
I really felt this. It's nice to see how people here can put feelings into words so much better than I am able to. It gives me something to look forward to. Learning how to communicate and process what I am feeling. This is hard work. I struggle with my perception of things just now. Life recently fell apart on top of falling apart so I have to constantly watch my negative thinking. Caring too much. Yes. Only I just tend to come off as insanely clingy I think. And just ew. I dont really deal with people much anymore. Or they dont deal with me. However it goes. I wasn't in the way of having healthy friendships either. I just took on others things and didn't realize I had my own. Just glad to finally be picking up the pieces of this shattered life of mine and to have others here that are doing the same. Different ships, same storm.Athena wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 2:21 pm I don't believe I am selfish at all but my walls probably make it seem like I am to others. I never learned about boundaries and I struggle with having good ones. I find it really hard to deal with other people's boundaries, and I struggle with setting my own without pushing people away and appearing like I don't care, when if fact I probably care too much.
Last edited by Harmony on Wed Sep 23, 2020 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering content nor language.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering content nor language.
somewhereinbetweenlostandfound
"It doesn't get easier, we just get stronger."
"It doesn't get easier, we just get stronger."