Newbie-First Post

[SunBee]

Hello,

I signed up about 2 months ago but didn't have the courage to dig up my past until now. Afraid to open up that can of worms. Figured it was probably better to just let sleeping dogs lie. But I really want to share my experiences so that some people will know what I've been through. Maybe others have experienced similar stuff and can provide some comments/insights that I never thought of before that I might find helpful.

Quick story of my life (not to make it too long): Middle of 3 daughters. Came to Canada from Hong Kong when I was 7. Mom died from cancer when I was 13. Our dad was stuck with no money raising 3 daughters on his own. Older sister was a narcissist (I didn't find out til I was past 30---never understood why she was so crazy, mean and abusive). I am a hypersensitive person. Being so incredibly sensitive and being abused by a narcissist was hell. Everything she said and did cut me to the core of my soul. Our dad sided with her and said it was my own fault and I needed to be less sensitive because that was "my biggest flaw". I would otherwise be perfect. From that day on, I stopped trying to tell him or anyone about my sister's abuse. It was all emotional. I started looking for my own father because my own father would not be there to protect me. First one was the dad of a classmate in grade 9. Every Saturday I went over there to be with him and let him molest me because it was the only "comfort" I had in life. I chose to get molested but have someone "love" me than no one at all. He loved fondling my breasts and my nipples and licking my lips and face real good. He would suddenly grab me and give my lips or cheek a good hard lick. He would ask me to kiss him on the cheeks and the lips. He would rub his groin against mine. The next one was my first "boyfriend" when I was about 15. He was 22 years my senior. I met him at my temple. While I was looking for a father figure, he looked for a mother figure in ME. It was so twisted. He would ask me to call him baby and he would call me mommy. He wanted me to hold him like I'm his mom and rub his belly in a motherly way. Worst of all he had sick sexual fetishes. I was so innocent, a blank slate. He begged me to let him suck my toes. I HATED it but gave in to his begging. He would suck and suck like he was in seventh heaven. That dreamy look in his eyes as he sucked each toe like it was the highest form of pleasure. Even more disgustingly, he would beg me to chew up a big mouthful of food REAL good then spit it into his mouth so he can savour it. It gave him a real thrill. He forced my pants off, saying "he just wanted to take a look". Again I gave in to the pressure. He pulled off my pants, carefully picked apart my pubic hair with the fingernail of his little finger, then put his mouth on it. I froze. He sucked and sucked, then came back up with a big grin on his face and pushed his tongue into my mouth. I tasted myself. I was disgusted. He said he loved "sucking my juice". He said he would love to "suck every inch of my body". Eventually we broke up but years later I found out he was badmouthing me to people at the temple, spewing lies about me. He told some people when I was studying in Europe I slept around so much I got pregnant and had to get an abortion. He said he could tell I had an abortion because of the way my waistline got real thick. He would cry in front of people and tell them how I "dumped him because he wasn't good enough in bed". Then I was with a guy who was old enough to be my grandfather. He was also a narcissist. He was obsessed with showing me off in public that he was able to get a hot young thing young enough to be his granddaughter so he got me a bunch of slut clothes that revealed my thighs and my stomach so I could wear them when I was out with him. I hated those slut clothes but he made me wear them. He even got me high heels and costume jewellery to match. He kept looking around to see who were watching us and wishing they were him. He made me shave, wear make-up, have long hair, etc. so I would not embarrass him in public. When I cut my hair he freaked out and said "all I asked was that you didn't cut your hair but you cannot even do that for me". Once I was having a severe menstrual cramp but he forced me to go hiking through a forest with him while I was in severe pain because "he already planned it and I don't even appreciate anything he does for me". I got married 5 years ago and life was good. But last year my husband got cancer and died. Now everything that happened in my childhood and all the things those sick old guys did to me haunt me. I am traumatized because all that happened to me when I was so innocent. Other 15 year old girls knew a lot but I didn't know ANYTHING about sex. They manipulated me and I gave in because they were the only ones I had at the time who would "love" me and I didn't want to lose their "love". All because my dad and my sister were really mean to me. They bullied me and made fun of me. My sister said I was stupid and fat and ugly. I was willing to do anything to have someone love me so I let them play with my body and I clenched my teeth and let them do sick things to my body, hoping it would be over soon. Now all of that haunts me.

Sorry if it's too long. I tried to make it as short as possible but I just have to let someone know that all this happened.

Interested in hearing from other women who have been through similar stuff----went and looked for older men to be a father because they did not have a good father themselves and got taken advantage of from left right and center by sick old men who saw a young, innocent girl with an untouched teenage body for them to enjoy and do sick things to.

[Callisto]

Hi SunBee. I'm a newbie here also.

I'm really sorry to hear of the trauma that you have experienced in your life. I totally understand being hesitant to re-open old wounds, but for what it's worth, I'm proud of you for sharing your story. By being here and seeking support, you are taking back control from the people who abused you and reclaiming your life...that's the way I choose to look at it, at least. I hope you find a small way to reward yourself for taking this bold step toward disclosure, support, and survival - you deserve it!

[SunBee]

Thank you Callisto for your kind comments. I just read your post. That's horrible what you went through. You are amazing and incredible!

[Serenity]

Hi and welcome, SunBee. I'm sorry for the reasons but glad you are here.

With care,
Serenity