Introduction

[paperbag]

Hello
I don't know what ST, NT, or MT mean.
I am a male and was sexually abused by my father as a child. I first was approved for disability due to depression when I was 19. I am 44 now. Around the age of 40 I also developed severe chronic pain. I've had six major surgeries for pain in the past four years. I am still mostly bedbound due to pain.
I know about aces (adverse childhood experiences), and know that my body is falling apart due to years of toxic stress.
Because of my chronic pain, I'm unable to work at all. I live in subsidized housing, and my.parents pay my rent. I am still dependent on them for money.
Almost no one in my life understands how much I'm suffering. I've told some family members in the past about the abuse, but I got the typical "I don't want to get involved" type of response.
Also, my former friends have watched me deteriorate without getting better, and I think that they just lost hope in me ever improving.
So now I'm almost completely alone, in public housing.
I do have a therapist that I see once every two weeks, but it's only via the Zoom teleconference app, not in person, and only twice a month due to cost. I try to do some Zoom support groups as well.
My father comes over once a month to drop off the rent. Sometimes I talk to my mom on the phone to play scrabble.
It's all surreal. It's as if the abuse doesn't exist anywhere in the real world, only in my mind.
I feel that I have been murdered, but no one has the strength and honesty to acknowledge what has happened to me. I'm worried that I will die without anyone really knowing what happened to me.
Thanks for reading.

[Genesis]

Welcome. I can relate to your words so much. I am your age and was also abused by a family member. The same person abused at least 6 other family members over the course of decades. Yet, we had decades of big family gatherings and in photos we looked like a great family. It is so messed up. I have been living with this secret for a while. And while several of my family members have opened up about the abuse, none of them suspected I was abused, too. It would kill my mother if she found out, so I have to keep living the secret. It took me 3 years of therapy to find the courage to tell my husband of 18 years that this had happened to me. I was at a breaking point. I could not have fathomed having the strength to tell him without the work done in therapy so therapy does help. Progress can be excruciatingly slow so it may feel like nothing is improving but moments of courage are coming more frequently so it is improving even though it doesn’t feel like it. This group has been so supportive. I’m glad you found us.

[Crey]

Hello Paperbag,
Thank you for your post. I have had similar reactions from family members. I am certain that I was not my grandfather's only victim. Yet, no one else, as far as I know, has dealt with it. I have learned over the years that they don't want to deal with my stuff and prefer to just pretend that our family was perfectly fine. It's infuriating and damaging. I mainly keep my distance from my family except for a very few that are tolerant of my reality. I hope that you find this space supportive.
All the best,
Crey
Oh, and the Ts are for how triggering the content of your post may be. There is a description on the main page.

[paperbag]

Where is the main page

[Serenity]

Hi and welcome paperbag. The NT, MT, and ST icons are our trigger warning system. There are details in the Forum Guidelines that you were asked to read and agree to before your account was activated. Here is a link to them, so that you may review them again:

http://isurvive.org/join-our-forum/forum-guidelines/

Selecting the correct trigger warning may seem a bit daunting at first, but you'll get the hang of them, and we Moderators and Admins are here to help.

With care,
Serenity

[coconuts]

Welcome. Sorry for the terrible ways you suffered and continue to suffer. I have found my family is not able to even think of or process how messed they are. I am very alone in my healing journey. No one, other than t, can handle even helping me process or think about, or accept it all.
Coconuts

[ajei]

Hi and welcome paperbag. I hope you find this place welcoming and find the support you deserve.

ajei