Just joined. Introducing myself

[applestopears]

I think am posting this in the right place? I hope so.

My name is (name removed). My therapist suggested I find a survivors internet forum to find a safe place in between therapy sessions. I am seeing a therapist for complex trauma issues and also have diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, OCD and battle an issue with compulsive eating (sometimes I purge after a binge also).

I grew up in a very religious home. Parents were Evangelical Christians. I went to a good school, my mum was nice and kind, I kept guinea pigs, sang in choirs and had lessons in singing, even performing as a soloist locally (my sister was also a classical trained singer- sometimes we perfomred together). I had nice holidays and my parents had two cars. But that was only a apt of the story.

you see my father was a jekyll and hyde personality- had severe mood swings and rages. He was a very angry man and my mother, sister and I were subject to physical, emotional and verbal abuse. He would threaten to hurt us , even using knives- we thought he would kill us more than once. He screamed, threatened, cursed at us. also shamed, belittled and made fun of us. He had a sad childhood himself and I believe he never recovered from it. I did not feel safe around him most of the time- because I never knew whether he would be nice or horrible. He would punish us for things like getting wrong answers in our homework, or soiling our pants, or forgettign to say please or thank you. I sometimes htink I must have been a n awful child. But then I look at my sister who was mostly well behaved and he was awful to her too. and my mother who tried to please him. i had a mild learning issue, possibly dyscalculia or dyspraxia and my sister possible adhd, but my father would not take the school's advice in getting us testing. He dealt with it by sying it was a demon posession- and trying to exorcise us. or if that didnt work, he would shout at us, threatening to beat us. or he would say there was some hidden sin in our lives causing our problems. My sister developed depression age 14 and my father went ballistic when he found out my sister was tryign to get help, screaming at her how she was a disgrace to the family and that his ministry in the church (ironically he did inner healing meaning) was going to fail if people found out he had loony children. When my mental health beagn breaking down he blamed me for years that he never advanced in the church. I say when my mental health began breaking down- I was 16 by this point, but I had already been battling OCD, self harm and compulsive overeating since about age 8. I do have childhood memories but before age 6 they are very incidental and blurry. i used to try tell myself nothing bad had happened in my ealry years, after all, i couldnt rememebr much but my sisterr and even later, my mother filled me in on some of it and it was pretty dire. I do have a cague memory of myself as little girl and lots of screaming and hsouting. mostly my dad screaming at my mum. but i remeber also being afraid of my dad and getting very frightened snd gfeelign helpless ifmy mum ever left us alone with him. i remember as an older child having night terrors (liek I could see my dad;s face through the wall of my bedroom). i developed symptoms of BPD by age 16 and was diagnosed at about age 20. By then i'd been through around of mental health experts, had more run ins with A and e and the police for self harm and public meltdowns than i care to remember.

I have done some DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) and I still use the skills for that and am now seeing a trauma therapist. I see them privately. after being treated for BPD and having DBT on the NHS and I was stll struggling they washed their hands of me and so I realised I would need to take matters into my own hands. It is going pretty well for th emost part and my moods have been regulating better but there have been some wobbles lately (and lockdown been exarcebating things) and I been having a bad month. whilst hte UK is still in lockdown my therapist is doing sessions by phone with me. He says that at the moment i need otkeep focus on keeping my moods regulated. He feels I need to go deeply into the trauma but not wise to do that now whilst in lockdown. He says he wonders if am ready yet. i have a conflict where i keep doubting myself and questioning whether am jsut making a fuss or not? my dad used to tell me i was doing that. said it a lot. so now i dont know whetehr he is right or whther my feelings nad experiences are valid?



I suffered sexual abuse from more than one person at different stages of my childhood I also had trouble making friends at school, and was badly bullied at primary school. I also experienced a sexual asssault there in my penultimate year there. 3 other children held me down as it happened. My mum found out and the school alternated between blaming and disbelieving me.

[coconuts]

Welcome, so sorry for all the dreadful things that happened to you as a child, when you should have been protected and loved and safeguarded.

This lockdown sure left a lot of us sort of on pause for progressing. Some people I know have done better with it without the pressure of having to act like they have it all together. And others of us have struggled with additional triggers based on the circumstances. Also now with all the protests and riots happening in like almost every city here in the US it's been difficult for a lot of people there as well.

Tele therapy just isnt ideal either. Hopefully as things lift you will be able to resume. Diving into the trauma is hard stuff though. I know it is so important to make sure you have good coping skills and stabilization abilities in place. They need to be solid, because it's hard for your brain to think straight when its flooded with emotions from the trauma.

Again a warm welcome.

Coconuts

[Jonesy]

Hi applestopears

A very warm welcome to isurvive - glad you found us

[Serenity]

Hi and welcome, applestopears. I'm sorry for the reasons but glad you are here.

With care,
Serenity

[Watercolor]

Welcome, Applestopears!

So sorry that you've had such a hurtful journey.I hope that being here will help you much.