For background, I was raised in a home dominated by a father that is narcissistic, alcoholic, violent and sadistic. My mother was involved in a horrific car accident when I was six months old. The accident caused severe burns. She lost all of her fingers and was burned about the face and torso. My mother was as vulnerable as my siblings and myself to the abuse.......and she's suffered as well.
My struggles, as an adult, seem to stem from never being able to grow / progress from the young age when the severe treatment began. During times of increased stress, I have very vivid flashbacks....I see, hear and feel all the terrible things that were done to me. When I really try to examine what's going on inside me......I sense that I'm still a very young child who is essentially hiding in a corner and afraid of everything. I never had the ability to form trust in friends......I was teased and beat up until junior year of high school....when I discovered I was really good at powerlifting.
By bulking myself up, and seeing how this caused my classmate abusers to back off and give me a little respect......I learned to build a false facade and / or compartmentalize myself. I've been able to have what people describe as a successful career, help raise two kids with my wife. But deep inside it doesn't feel real. I'm constantly in fear of losing my job, my wife, my kids etc. because they haven't discovered what an awful, worthless, stupid piece of excrement that I am. I desperately want to say to the wold "This is me......Good or bad.....This is me!" I want to have friends. I want to be able to trust friends. I want to experience Happiness. I don't want to live every moment of every day in fear. But I need to convince my child inside.
Sorry for the lengthy note. My story has a lot of twists and turns........but the bottom line is I became a broken human being over 50 years ago. I'd like to understand and perhaps reverse some of what has precipitated me to become a broken person.
BossMustang
P.S.
My unusual username.........as a kid......I paid for my own subscription to HotRod magazine. The magazine kept me going month to month. I dreamed about all the Hot cars in each magazine. My dream was to one day own a 1969 or 1970 Boss 429 Mustang. I now know it will never happen......but it kept a young me going
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in someone's night.
